Friday, January 22, 2016

Embryo's, lets learn.

Image result for human Embryos

(These are NOT my embryo's this just gives you an idea of what they look like, for reference only.)


new organism in the earliest stage of development. In humans this is defined as the developing organism from the fourth dayday after fertilization to the end of the eighth week.

(By definition, and not the best one that I could find.)

This is in no way a political blog, or something to go into where human life begins.  This is not about abortion or anything of that nature.  This is just my thoughts, (maybe some facts) on a snow day, where I have become tired of binge watching my show at the moment and I am nervous as hell about everything that I have been doing during the IVF process, and simple things are getting on my last nerve.  

First off...

Those little Embryo's are tiny, they cannot been seen with the human eye.  Think about this, can you see sperm?  When you ovulate, can you see the egg that you have lost in your vaginal secretions?  If you are answering yes, then I would really like to find out how your vision got so good, and what you are taking for that, because there is no way that that is possible.  So when you combine the two, you will not be able to see them.  Which makes this process all the more scary, because if you can't see them, then I have to sit here and play a waiting game to know if the embryo is still in my body.  I'm a wreck, I don't want to answer people's questions about it.  I don't want to even really talk about it.  I would really love to go back to my normal day in and day out routine, but I can't.  I would feel a hell of a lot better if I could get in the kitchen and cook, but I am scared to do that.  I am scared to be on my feet too much, I am scared to move too much, or stress myself out too much.  My life is not normal right now, and so my mind has too much damn time to come up with things.  To literally freak myself out over this.  I'm moody, and needy, and I just want to curl up with a good book, but I haven't been able to relax my mind enough to do so.

My ass hurts.  I have to get a shot daily in my bum and it hurts.  It is not something to laugh at.  And I am so tired of people telling me that this is all worth it.  That is really not a supportive thing to say to me anymore.  
This is how it goes: first they give me antibiotics that make me break out and feel like utter and complete shit.  In addition to that, I have to put a vaginal gel, up my vaginia nightly for 5 days, and the combination of that puts hives all over my body.  During this time, they add birth control into the mix.  Mind you by this point in time I have already had 2 internal sonograms.  Then you go back, they take your blood for the 3rd time, another internal sonogram, and then they tell you to stop taking your birth control.  We all know what that means... then I am on my period, in which I just stopped, so they started my cycle all over again.  Then the belly shots come.  Which to be honest, I prefer.  They weren't that bad.  However after those start, I have to go in daily for a blood test and more internal sonograms, oh and I have a bruise on my arm, so I only now have one arm left to get blood from.  Then shot number 2 comes, which I have a horrible reaction to.  Luckily that only lasted for 2 nights and then I was on to my trigger shot.  By this time my stomach is bruised.  And then all I keep hearing is "how much this is all worth it."  Don't you think I know that?  I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't think that it was worth it.  My one of my biggest fears is having a shot, so I am pretty sure that I know how worth it is.  Then they take my eggs.  Luckily, I get to be sedated when this happens.  But then I start yet another shot, the one that makes my but hurt.  There is no other spot on my bum that my hubz can give me a shot, and if you have ever had to give yourself a shot, think about what would happen if you had to do it in the same spot.  You would be sore.  I am sore.  Think god I can get up and move because I am in less pain, but my ass hurts.  Like a lot, and yes it is worth it.  Stop telling me.

I don't have any pregnancy symptoms.  I am hopeful that this works, but you have to think about it this way.  Those little things are still not big enough to see.  This is a part of a "normal pregnancy" where a woman would not know if she is pregnant.  She would go on her day to day life and not notice anything.  This is no different.  There is no magic thing that says that I am pregnant, or that my embryo has attached to me.  I have to wait.  And I don't like waiting for anything.  I look at calendars, and count down the days until I get to know.  I also look and see how many more days, I have to have a shot in the ass.  I pray, or lord I pray.  Sometimes I pray that I don't need to talk all day.  Sometimes I pray that I don't have to answer questions.  Sometimes I just pray that this will all work out.  I am going out of my mind.  I would love to really just sleep until I get to know.  

People don't understand a lot of this IVF process and I know, I get that.  But, this is all new for me.  I'm not withholding any information.  There are a lot of unknowns.  I'd love to have all the answers, to know it all but I just don't.  This is all new to me.  Sometimes, I just wish that I hadn't told anyone about it.  That only family knew.  But I needed to talk about all of this, so this was the way to do it.  

"Please be steady, my beating heart."

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