The IVF process has made me feel very entitled. Now, you might think that it means that I feel entitled to have a baby or to become pregnant. However, that is not the case. I feel a different kind of entitlement. I logged on facebook this morning just to search around. I have logged on in a while, I do from time to time, I just really only look at what is on my page, and then I quickly log off, never stopping to look at the news feed. Today I did. Whoops, BAD IDEA.
What I found was happy and sad at the same time. 2 of my friends are pregnant. (Congratulations, by the way!!) There maybe more. But, I had to stop scrolling. I quickly signed off. My entitlement comes from this. I think that when someone is pregnant I think that I should be the first to know. I know, I'm an ass. I have been feeling like this for some time. Through numerous ladies pregnancies. Sometimes, it is like this.. "I just talked to you, you couldn't have told me then?" I forget that I probably the LAST person on their mind to tell. They they forget about me when they are sharing their happy news. Which, makes me laugh that I feel that way. But, it is the way it is.
We have, to put it lightly a "good run of bad luck." As many of you are not aware of, because I choose not to share this time, we had our final transfer on the 16th of November. And it didn't work again. This time I was not prepared for the bad news. I had felt so much different than the previous 2 times. And so when the call came in, it was a shock. Now, there is nothing. We don't have anymore embryos, and they really didn't offer much as to why, this didn't work.
After a failed cycle, they have this meeting to discuss what could be done different. They called me yesterday. The first thing out of her mouth was another sorry, but then she said that we had told Dr. Williams that there wasn't any more money so they didn't talk about anythings. Wait, what?? You didn't talk about anything? I mean, you could have said anything about doing anything different and you didn't. They are honoring my request to send my hubs to another Dr, for another opinion. This just made me angry, the entire thing made me angry.
So, I did what I could only do. I reached out to my TTC Sisters (TTC= trying to Conceive). Ironically the day that I decide to do all of this different things fall into place. That morning, I didn't want to get out of bed. It was the first morning that I had to go back to work after finding out the news, and it was the first morning that I woke with out the hubs there. Anyways, by not getting out of bed I missed "Live with Kelly" and I didn't feel like watching "Rachel Ray." My TV was on TLC from the night before, and as I was getting ready making my tea and breakfast, this show came on that I had never seen before, "Birth Moms." I watched it so intently. When I went to work that day, my Area Supervisor had come in. I haven't seen her for a while, but she commented on how I was not acting the same. I had to explain to her what had happened. And she tells me a story of a friend who adopted, and then became pregnant. I had a friend that did the same. And it has always been in the back of my mind. She also told me about Shady Grove Fertility.
(This Blog is long, I'm sorry I have a lot to say.)
When we were going through all of this Dr. Bell (my obgyn) suggested either UVA or Shady Grove. I picked UVA because a friend of mine had been there to fix a problem that she was having when she couldn't get pregnant, and I knew that I could get myself there, if need be without a problem. (I get lost in a paper bag.) As far as I knew the closest Shady Grove was in Reston. I didn't know if I could manage that. Well a year later, there is a Shady Gove in Gainesville. (My home town, if you know.) I can get there. So, the question comes "Should I switch?" I had to reach out to the TTC community so see if anyone had been there. I found that one of the girls that I talk to went there, and she loved it. So, I did a little more research. Also I started looking more and more into some of the girls that I follow on Instragram. I found something that I had been thinking about for a long time, I have one thing different than ALL of them. My protical (they way the IVF process happens.)
And it is not just a little bit different, it is a lot. From the amount of medications (and I know this differs from girl to girl), the the various medications, and the amount of times that there endometrial lining is checked (mine is once), also the amount of times that there progesterone is checked before hand. When the Dr. calls me and doesn't offer any changes, these are all things that I feel that can be changed. And I am willing to do all of them. I'm not saying that we are going to change clinics, right now we don't have the funds to do that. But, we are considering it. (first thing is a trip to another Dr.)
The 2nd thing that I mentioned above was Birth Moms and Adoption. I have always had adoption in the back of my mind. But, that night as I thought about it even more, I was awake with a few fears. I had watched Birth Moms, and I had seen how sad those woman were to place their babies. They are giving a great gift. But, I didn't know if I could be on the receiving end of that. One reason is I cry over someone having to give their dog up, how could I stand there and receive someone's child? The other thing that kept me up, was once I receive this gift, what if the mom wants it back? This is why I can't foster. Many people have told me that I should. I cannot. I cannot fall in love with a child, and then have to give it back. That is a great fear.
So, I sit in limbo. I sit here thinking about what is next. What will happen. I am hopeful, doubtful, but hopeful. I wish you love and baby dust.