Sunday, December 18, 2016

(Not So) Happy Christmas

I have been absent from here.  I'm very sorry for that.  The hardest part of the year has come, and I was not ready for it.  I was honestly not prepared for December to roll back around, and me be childless.  But, here we are again.  I have tried really hard to be thankful for EVERYTHING that I have, but to be honest with you I am really tired of all that.  I have really tried not to be bitter, but it's there and I can't stop it.  

When we had our last BFN I went quickly into shut down mode.  This time I didn't know what to do with myself.  I honestly didn't want to have to pick back up and move on.  I didn't think that I could learn to be happy.  I am really good at pretending, but I am pretty awful at faking it.  You might think that they are the same.  But, they really are not.  Pretending is me making small talk with clients at work, going on about my daily business, and pretending that IVF never happened to me.  Faking is being happy when I just want to crawl back in bed or just making due.  Think of it this way, remember when you were little and you would pretend play, you could be just about anything that you wanted (I always pretended to be a teacher).  Now if you faked it you wouldn't play at all.  Faking means to me that it didn't happen at all.  I'm really good at pretending.  

I wanted to skip right over Christmas.  I still want to.  But, it has come really fast, and I am still here to tell the tale.  I am however, not sure what the worst part about this Christmas is.  The fact that I could have a 2 month old and I don't, or the fact that I could be 3 or 1 months pregnant.  I really can't decide.  I think that I am leaning more towards the fact that I could have a 2 month old.  Honestly I really imagine what they would be like (there were 2 embabies that time).  I get really sad about it.  It is like I am a puzzle and I am not put together because I am missing a piece.  

I am now also finding it really hard to have an answer when people are asking me about IVF, and babies and all of that.  My thoughts are not together, and I really don't know what is a good answer.  I guess there is no good one.  

Sometimes I hear people say that they get mad at other women that have babies, because they have done what their body cannot.  I don't feel that way.  I have been told that my body can get pregnant, and until someone tells me different I won't feel that way.  I get mad at people who are bad parents, I get mad at people who have more than 3 kids, I get mad at people who take their kids for granted.  I get mad at my Hubs when he tells me that a tradition that I want to keep for my kids is stupid, because we might not ever have them (he was just really upset, to be fair to him, so don't leave him hate in the comments).  I get mad when I think that I have wasted an entire year and I didn't get pregnant and the Dr's don't offer me anything.  That is when I get mad.  I also get mad when I know that the spirit of Christmas is in a young child and it is the BEST time of year to have one, and I don't.  

So I am going to make my way through Christmas.  I am really trying.  I am dressing up, I have gone to holiday parties, where I put on my cheer and tried hard.  I am going to be happy on Christmas day and I am going to spoil my 4 furbabies.  And then the day after I am going to pretend that Christmas never came and went.  And I am going to focus on the fact that they New Year is going to come and that is new options.  And I am going to try and be a good family member, wife, and friend.  And I am going to leave it all behind.  I cannot change things, I can just hope that they get better.  So for now, Happy Christmas and Merry New Year!!  (Love and Baby Dust too!!)

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