Sunday, March 26, 2017

Dear Baby Stine Part...

Waring:  This may make you cry or mad, or just about anything.  I am really sorry for that.  It is just me thinking.  Also I am not sure how many letters I have written to Baby Stine, I don't go back and read my old posts, if I do it is just titles.  I have stopped keeping track, please forgive me.

Baby Stine,

I am sorry that I have written in a while.  My thoughts are currently jumbled and sometimes it is just hard to think of what to say.  Your Dad and I are still waiting for you.  Whenever you are ready, we are too.  Your Dad got a really great job, and I am going to be going back to school.  Everything is lining up, we are just waiting for you.  For a long time your Dad and I had no name for you if you were to be a boy.  However, we now have THE perfect name for you if you are a boy.  We aren't sharing with any, and if your Dad does he is in MAJOR trouble.  I dream of what you will look like if you are a boy.  I dream that you will have green/brown eyes like me, but other than that you will look much like your Dad.  Oh and curly hair, but I am really not sure where that comes from.  I think that you will have blond hair for a little while, but when you get older it will become darker.  I also think that by the time you are 10 you will be taller than me.  It's okay, I'll still beat your ass.  It is weird to dream about you, and you aren't here yet.  For a long time it freaked me out.  I have since gotten used to it.  But, I haven't thought that you would be a boy for a long time.  Many people don't believe that you are out there waiting for us, but I strongly believe that you are.  You are waiting for the right time.  However, I really wish the right time was now.  We have taken a break from IVF.  My body really needed it.  I got this weird skin condition and my hair was falling out.  I need to get in line again.  Your Dad and I also started a Paleo diet, which we are getting back on again.  Hopefully this all works.  Hopefully this is what you are waiting for.

I am still not sure if I am going to share the letters that I write to you with you.  I know that IF I do share them with you, I am going to wait until your much older.  I haven't figured out how I am going to tell you that you came to be.  I still think that you will just come to be.  That no medical intervention will be needed.  I'm not sure if that is me being a fool or what.  Only time will tell for that.  I sometimes think that if I do share these letters with you, that it will scar you for life.  And maybe just maybe I need you to not have that hanging over you.  

Sometimes when I talk the process with people they really listen to me.  And sometimes I feel like I am sharing my story for nothing.  I have had some really high highs and some really low lows.  Nothing seems to be in between.  I hope that one day I will get the in between.  

I think that I have really gotten off subject here.  Soon I hope to meet you.  Soon I hope to connect with you.  We want so badly for you to be our baby.  We are holding on to hope.  

Love,  Mom and Dad! 

1 comment:

  1. Crystal, you are so amazing and when you get to meet your beautiful baby, you will both be the best parents in the world. You are so brave to be so open and honest. You will continue to be in my prayers with the hopes that you will soon get to be with your new baby boy or girl. (I'm preferential to boys - they're the coolest!)