Friday, May 5, 2017

Week is OVER

I have not been more excited to have a week come to an end.  I want no re-do's thank you!  I am pretty sure that I have cried every day this week, except for today.  So I just want a weekend of fun, without having to think which emotion I need to be displaying.  I'll figure it out during the week.

I want to say thank you to anyone and everyone that have said that they are here for me.  It really means a lot to me.  I still haven't decided if I feel completely defeated yet, but all the love has helped me feel a little less.  However, this week I have never felt so much like glass in my life.  


Many of you know that we have cut out cable, we use instead Play Station view and many various forms of streaming.  When we first started using this, I was addicted to Bob's Burgers on Hulu.  I think that I watched an entire season in day.  I am not very good at watching TV like that, I wanna change the channel and watch something different, but I just couldn't change.  But, there are commercials during Hulu, and there is one where I could really shoot my TV.  The Clear Blue easy commercial... you know that one, the pretty music comes on, and the first thing the girl says is "Pregnant"  ... some one save me.

The first few times I saw it I cried.  Big, crazy sobbing tears.  Thank God, that Hubs was not home.  My Boxer came to my rescue instead.  I have to tell you that she is AMAZING with this.  But, sometimes I really get going and I freak her out.  I know that most people don't care about this commercial, some people I'm sure really like it.  But, I HATE IT.

It is funny how one thing can make you crazy, and this one really does.  Lots of things make me go crazy.  I have triggers, I never thought I would.  

I have taken the plunge to look into talking with a counselor, which honestly wasn't as easy as I thought that it would be.  I am okay, with people knowing that I am going.  You won't know when, just that I am.  I think that it will make me feel better about a lot of things.  There are things that I can't process, and I'm trying hard to help myself, but I think that I have hit a road block, and I need a little push.

I have stopped blaming myself for a lot of things, but then I place blame on a lot of other things.  If I have to take ownership on things that I have done, then I need others to do the same thing.  Who knows what this counselor will have me do.  I know that when I was working with kids, I had them doing all kinds of crazy things.  I just hope that it helps.

Sometimes I don't know that reasoning behind things that people do, and then I make up this crazy story about why they did what they did.  I also try to find a reason why I am hurt, and sometimes I believe in this fantasy that I have created.  Hubs and I have kind of swapped roles a little bit, he believes that there are so much good in others.  I think that it is all horse crap.  I think that people lie to you and hurt you and they don't think about what happens to you.  Also that people are selfish.  That is a big one.  

I have a lot of anger in me right now.  Lots.  I probably spent a good hour or more yesterday yelling at air in my house.  Then I flicked it off, and called it some more names.  My cat thought that I was crazy, I don't think that he has ever heard me be that loud.  After doing so I did not pray.  I didn't do anything.  I just kind of sat on the couch and thought "well, I don't feel any better and I am still pretty mad."  I also thought about throat punching different people.  That is my new go to.  Honestly I would probably not do it.  But, I would love to see it in action to see what it does.  Like, does someone choke?  Would it make me feel better?  After all of this I had to get ready for work.  Then I went to the movies with Hubs and his friends.  When I got home I was pretty tired and thought, okay I'm gonna sleep now.  NOT!  My dreams were pretty haunting.  I didn't even dream of punching people.  

Sometimes I am scared that those dreams are really going to come true.  The dreams that I have been having are not nice.  It is like my entire body is angry right now.  Even though I can control it.  Even my sub-conscious is pretty mad.  My teeth have started hurting, so I am sure that I am clenching my teeth at night, when I do get some sleep.  

Lastly... I don't know that I have said this, but.  When someone is struggling with Infertility I think that worst thing that you can say to that person is, "You can't do that because you feel that way."  I have heard it a few times.  The thing is I can't control a lot of things.  But, I can control what I do or how I react to a feeling.  So when someone makes a comment like that, I feel like shutting down.  I don't know that everyone going through that feels that way, but it is how I feel.  Please don't use it.  Allow the person to act however the way; because then they feel some short of control.  You are taking away the control with one sentence, that can send someone into a tail spin.  Don't be responsible for that.

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