Warning: This blog is not about any ONE person. This is just how I feel going into Mother's Day.
Tomorrow is the hardest day of the year, for me. It is a reminder of what I do not have. And boy was I reminded. I often get people who tell me "Happy Mother's Day," and I really go on about my day, I'll say thank you and move on. But, this year was hard. There were many times when people would completely leave me out of the round of good wishes they were giving to others. I get it, I don't physically have a child. So, if you were looking that way then you would not care to wish me Happy Mother's day. But, if you know me then you would at least try a well wish. And I got nothing.
I am very thankful for what I do have on Mother's Day, my 4 fur babies are my happy place. I have my mom, mother-in-law, both my grandma's and hubby's grandmas. That is a lot of ladies to be thankful for. And I am thankful for all of them. I don't want anyone to ever think that I am not happy for that. But, I am also sad, that I am not a mommy to a 2-legged puppy. I don't get the hand made things from daycare or school. Those are things that I miss, that I yearn for.
I have recently been told that I shut people out or I shut down when I can't make people understand me. I thought long and hard about this. And I think that the reason that I do that is because I try to make people understand me, and when I feel that they aren't listening to me then, I lose the effort to make the effort. I wasn't always good at this. In fact, I think that this is something new that I have learned. I wouldn't call it a defense tactic. I'd call it a learned behavior.
I also learned that I need validation, and sometimes for pretty basic stuff. I need to know the why, because I always think that there is a why, and if i don't know that why, then I lose my freaking mind. It is funny to know what your body is communicating when you are not even talking. Or when you are not talking about what you think you are. I think that this is a way of being in control. When you have no control over a situation like this, over being pregnant and not being pregnant, you have to find a way to get in control. It's part of my "Plan B," which I always seem to have. But, right now there is no "Plan B." So, I don't really know what the hell I'm doing.
The funny thing about asking for help, is when people don't think that you need help. So, they offer you something different. And when people don't think that you need them, they don't offer you any help at all. I feel like I am crying out for help, and I am communicating that I need it, but I guess it goes back to the shutting down, and I can't seem to make it real. Or make it something that people understand.
One last thing that I learned, and I really didn't know this one AT ALL. I have to feel justified in my career. I didn't know that I was speaking this. I thought that I was content. I didn't know that I wasn't verbalizing this, or that I was verbalizing my discontent with it. When you talk about the entire make up of a person, you have to factor in things like a job, and a home and a family. But, when I spoke and I talked about things that I loved, my voice must have changed. I didn't really say anything negative. I didn't really say anything. I just said that I worked there. But, somehow I said that I didn't feel justified. So, now I don't know what to do. How do you change this, when you feel like you don't have a great skill set? How, do you change this when you didn't know that you needed this change?
Okay, I lied... this is the last thing. Tell every female that you see "Happy Mother's Day." Leave it to them to correct you. You don't know what they are going through, and you just might brighten their day. We can all stand to be a little nicer.