I want to first begin by saying that I NEVER knew that I liked Coldplay until I couldn't get this song out of my head. Please don't quiz me on Coldplay songs or try to get me to sing them, because I probably don't know the words.
I have waited a long time to look back into IVF/ Fertility treatments, since stopping things in December and not being pregnant yet again, I wanted to be done with it all, and I wanted to push it all out of my mind as far as I could get it. You could say that I have been living somewhat of a "normal" life since December. To be honest I don't remember what normal life was like. I got to watch Hockey like a crazy fan, I got to pretend that we were just a normal couple who decided to wait to have kids. It was bliss. It was all a lie. But, that is okay... it is the one lie that I enjoyed for a little while.
I am not sure if I have said this, but I am getting more proud of myself. I keep meeting new people and not telling them about IVF. It used to come out like word vomit. So now that I it doesn't, and I can control it a little bit better I am really relieved about it. (So..I use the phrase "Word Vomit" a lot.. I realized that you might not know where this is from. Please watch the move "Mean Girls" then you will know :) Trust me, it is really funny. And at that time it was pretty accurate on how clicks were.)
I think that I have been trying to pretend that I don't need IVF or fertility treatments. As we all know this is not the case. I went and talked (one time, cause I didn't like her) the a counselor. She made a few good points, but she wanted to coach me and not counsel me. The one point that she made was that she felt like I was trying to convince the world, of what I cannot convince myself. Science is just that, and we have come a long why with it. But, there is still so much further to go. A lot of Doctors will NEVER look at the male side of infertility. Trust me this is not just a female thing. But, that is a fight that I cannot take on my own, I need to stick with what I can do.
So let me go back to the beginning...
The Hubs will now be referred to as Mischa (if you watch the American's you will know where this is from, if you are not watching the American's you don't know what you are missing), I know what this is close to his real name, but I am not super creative here.
In December after begging and pleading I finally got UVA to send us to a specialist. Stephanie, one of the nurses that I like, said that we hope to see you soon, and I explained that Mischa was getting a new job, and that we had to go where the insurance told us. She really thought that we were coming back, but what she didn't know is that I had no desire to EVER set foot inside that office again. I began to hate it. I felt like the had no interest in getting us pregnant, and all they wanted was money. I remember looking around the office one day, on the day that I was running late and so were they... several woman were sitting in the office. I tried really hard not to look around a judge, however it was harder than I thought. I kind of got good at reading these peoples faces even though many of them I had not seen before. I could tell which one was there for the first time, just by how hopeful she look. I could tell from the shoe that this other lady was wearing that she was going to get pregnant with in the first or second go round. Her shoes were super expensive, she had a key ring with a Lexus key on it, she was carrying a coach bag (it was not knock off), and lastly her hair and nails were done super nice and on trend. I wanted to punch her. I knew that she had lots of money and could do this process as many times as she wanted to. And then I wanted to punch the office in the face. I'm good at being angry. I knew that if I had to wait any longer then I would probably become a ragging bull in a China shop. Luckily as soon as I finished my thought, I was called back.
I am really thankful for the new job that Mischa got and the insurance that it provides. I am also glad that I like getting a 2nd opinion, and not just because they say what I want to hear. Because most of the time, it is better. This time was better.
Mischa and I were super nervous when we went to Shady Grove. For different reasons, he was worried about the cost. I was worried about what they were going to tell me. I knew that our new insurance provided some type of coverage for fertility, what I was worried about was that I felt like we had tried everything. I thought that we were going to be turned down. I was very unprepared for this meeting. Mainly because I thought that we would be turned away. But, this doctor was hopeful. Her first sentence after introductions was remain hopeful, she said I know that is hard, but remain hopeful. She said that more times than I could count. We went through general questions, in fact many more that UVA... some of them I couldn't answer, because I just didn't know. But, she said that her nurse would take care of what I didn't know. Holy crap, you mean I don't have to do this all by myself? We still don't qualify for IUI, and that is okay. I can deal with that. But, we can still do IVF. We told her that we couldn't sign anything until we knew costs. Our insurance is really picky also, so everything has to be done when they say. But, lucky for us, this time... it will only cost us $375. The finance lady and the receptionist were so stunned. The Receptionist asked Mischa what he did for a living ( I can' tell you all, sorry). He told her, and she was like damn, never leave, he said he didn't plan on it. We were gasping as we left the office. We couldn't believe that it was true. We are still in shock. I think that we are coming to terms now.
So, we will be going through take 3 some time in the near future. New office, new doctor new meds... oh and they put you on prenatal vitamins that they recommend. And I had to sign this waver that I was taking care of myself with breast self exams and ob/gyn care. UVA never had me do any of that. They didn't even care what vitamins that I was taking. I feel like I am getting care, not just trying to have a baby.
So, now with renewed hope, I wish you love and baby dust!
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