Failed

I will put it all out there.



Today's Beta test confirmed what I already knew, we are not pregnant.  I thought that I was pregnant until Saturday.  Saturday I started to spot.  I thought that it was just a part of it and I was still trying to hold onto hope, but hope is hard when you are grasping for it.  Yesterday it was almost a full bleeding and today it was.  I didn't even want to go this morning.  But, you can't cancel, you have to take the test.  

I allowed and always will allow myself 1 hour of cry time.  I got a little extra 15 minutes, because one of my co-workers brought me flowers at the end of the day.  All of my co-workers are great.  They are like my 2nd family.  I cannot thank them enough!  I only allow 1 hour of cry time because if I go longer I will go all day and I won't be able to stop.  I have to pick myself up, so I just let it happen for an hour.  

How can perfect Embryos not stick?  Please give me that magic answer.  Shady Grove will not transfer any Embryos that do not receive top notes, they won't freeze them either.  So, I am thinking that my uterus needs some work.  I have been googling like crazy, in between helping clients.  I found this procedure that is called an Endometrium Scratch.  They do it in woman who have had failed IVF's and transfers but have high quality Embryos.  I am scared that my clinic will not allow it.  There is also PGS testing, that costs $2000 and it can destroy the Embryos that we have.  I don't like that option.  There is also something called intralids.  It is supposed to make your uterus lining ready for transfer.  We will see what is chosen.

My mind is going a million miles a minute.  I want to eat sushi and drink tea.  (I had a little bit of Mt. Dew after they called me and said that it failed and it about made me vomit.)  I have decided that I am going to continue to try and lose weight.  I lost 7lbs, So I am just going to keep going.  I think that this will help.  

This is heart breaking.  I cannot hide this fact.  But, I still believe that this will work.  I just think that we have to keep trying.  We have to keep figuring this out.  I want to try all things and exhaust all options.  I want to be able to carry my own baby, so until someone tells me that I can't do that. I want to try that.  So, I have to focus on what's next.  The next steps.  I have to find it.  

I still wish you love and baby dust.