The Week after a BFN (Big. Fat. Negative or Big Fu*cking Negative) is pretty much the worst. I am already upset a grumpy that this didn't work out, but it takes on an entirely different level. Aunt Flo works her magic and there is the much added kicker that makes me just want to be an a**hole to whoever is around. Sometimes it can be comical, but if you are in the live of fire it is never good. And lets face it almost anyone can be in the line of fire... anyone. You don't even have to talk to me and you can be in the fire. And I am not even good at the so called "resting bit*h face" but I can put on one.
I have realized that somewhere along the 16 years of being with Mischa (and then some for being his friend) I have adapted and learned his method of shutting down. I allow the emotion for a little bit and then I shut if off. I wouldn't say that I go back to "normal" but I try to go back to functioning. Whatever that is...
There are some hard parts to IVF/Infertility/ Fertility... The funny thing is, I thought that shots would be the hardest. Honestly, I overcame that fear on our very first cycle, or maybe even before that when I was getting my blood drawn at the Ob's office. I don't even think that the shots suck anymore. they are just necessary. So I do them and keep going. The Egg retrieval doesn't even bother me. The first time we had one I think that I stayed up all night. After that... it was just something that had to be done. The out come of the shots if you will. The most stressful part to me is after the Eggs come out and the before they come back in... the growing of the Embryos. You have so many come out, but only about half that make it. And we have NEVER had so many make it than this time. 4 made it. 4. Now we only have 2 left, but 4. And then the hardest part is when you get the BFN.
Even though I have been told that there is no reason that I shouldn't be pregnant I sit here still not pregnant. And I sit here after the BFN and I think that there is still something wrong with me, as to why I can't get pregnant. I think that it is natural to think this. I'd like to think that I can get over this quickly. But, it is pretty hard. My mind won't settle, so it makes down time a little hard.
When my mind is not going a million miles a minute it wants to break down. I can't sit and read (even though it is one of my great joys...) because it allows my mind to slow and just focus on one thing. I have a pile of books that I was supposed to read 2 years ago. I just can't. When I am driving in the car I have to make sure that the radio is on and I am focusing on it and where I am going, because if I stop my mind will allow the emotions to the front.
So, to shut all of what my mind has stored in there I have been researching and googling and trying to find out where I can get a dog or puppy. Crazy I know. But when Ollie our cat was a baby he need cuddles and love and taught and my mind didn't think about things. I wish that I could just defeat my thoughts.
Being cranky this past week as been easy and settling. Sometimes that is all it takes to be able to put 2 feet on the ground and keep on going. Next week I will not be doing the whole bitch thing. I'll be back to "normal" whatever that is.
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