Feelers

Such a funny title...

But here goes nothing...

So, long ago I stuck my "feelers" out in the world.  When I made it public that Mike and I were trying to have a baby (Emilia is here, we aren't trying now.. stop with that!!) and I wanted to make it public, so that I could find people that had this in common.  It was hard, probably more frighting than going through infertility treatments... But, I did it.  And here we are.

I have often felt alone in this journey.  I know that there are more of us out there.  But, sometimes we bond, and sometimes we don't.  And then sometimes you make the bond and suddenly it's over and you are alone again.  And then sometimes someone will support you, but won't support someone else doing the same thing.  And you are alone again. 

I put my "feelers" on paper this time, instead of out there for whoever to see.  Why, am I saying this?  Because, this time I feel bad about them.  This time, I'm not looking for the common ground.

I know that I can be mean sometimes.  I know that I come off harsh.  But, I think that it is more guarded.  For a long time, I didn't know what to do.  There were more Dr's appointments than I had ever been too.  There was more blood coming out of my body, and I wasn't sure if I was making enough to keep up.  I was tired.  I wanted to lay down on the couch and just stay there.  I wanted to stay at home with my dogs.  I just wanted to be me again. 

I want to be the me without infertility.  I want it to go away.  (Not just for myself, but for others!!)  I don't talk about it much.  I try not to.  But, for ANYONE reading this, what wants to talk about it... I'm here.  I want to not have to take break from social media and being in contact with people, just to keep my sanity.  I think people have forgotten how this whole thing changed my life.  Which is great, but at the same time I am still sensitive to some things.  Sometimes, I don't even know what I am sensitive to them.  It isn't like I don't have this beautiful little girl running around the house! (I'll keep her!!!)  So, before I get people all pissy... let me talk about that beautiful little thing.


I plan on making an 18 month update, but because I might not get to fit it all in, I will add it here.
I have heard a lot that Emilia is feisty.  And I LOVE it.  That is a really good way to describe her!  She loves to roar, like a dinosaur, which she has been doing since her 10 month birthday.  She chews on ice, I know that I did that a lot when I was younger, but I am not sure I did this young.  She will NEVER pass up on a tomato, strawberry, mac and cheese, veggie straws, or Mcdees french fries (which she does NOT get a lot).  She will sometimes hold her finger up and say 1.  "If you're happy and you know," "Patty Cake," "Peekaboo," and giving lovings to the dogs are her favorite games.  She also likes to clap her hands for "yay!" dance (The Backstreet Boys and Bob Sager are her faves) and throw up her hands for "touch down."  We are currently reading Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets to her.  But, she LOVES any book, and if the books have things to touch and pull or push she is in heaven.  She can float, kick her feet, and blow bubbles in the pool!  She LOVED dance/tumbling class (She bonded with Ms Sara right away!!!) she can't wait to go back.  Finally, she is 100% a Daddy's girl.  This isn't to say that she doesn't love me.  But, Emilia will follow Mike around all day.  Most of her kisses go to her Daddy.  When he comes home from work (right now he is working from home) she will yell "Hi Daddy, Hi Daddy!!"  And sometimes he can't walk to her first enough. 

I am so glad that she is my baby.  Yes I still call her my baby.  I probably will forever!!!