Saturday, March 7, 2015

I should not have googled that

Sometimes google is not my friend, in this case I should have left this up to chance.  (Now I'm hesitant.)

Yesterday I had a doctor's appointment.  My appointment was at 4:10,but the nurse came in and asked if I would be willing to wait because Dr. M wanted to give me her undivided attention.  Umm, who wouldn't want that??  I said I don't mind.  Dr. M is very friendly, as I have mentioned before she is a small lady (now I am short, but I am taller than she is), she is African-British (Okay, I'm not sure if that is a correct term, but she is from England, which in my book gives her mad props, and makes me like her even more) and she is very talkative, she will explain everything to me and I really like that.  She came in and asked how I was doing, and I said: "I could be better, if I was pregnant." Dr. M laughed and apologized.  I told her it was okay, I was kind of used to this now, and I don't expect different anymore.  She said that I needed to be hopeful, and that I had been trying for some time, so I am probably starting to feel defeated.  Dr. M talked to me about the medication I had been taking, since November and explained that I could no longer get any more.  Dr. M asked me if I knew when I was ovulating now, I said yes I could finally tell, or maybe I had been paying more attention and then I take the ovulation test and usually get a positive answer, then we have intercourse.  (Not that you needed to know ANY of that, but that is what she asked and that is what I answered.)  Then....

(okay probably not exactly what she said, but how I remember it..)

"Well my dear we have come to a point where you have to decide what you want to do next, there are really two options and you are young so you can do them both or you can do just one, it is up to you."

(Okay, Yes!  She said I was young.  I don't feel young, and I told her this.)

"That is because everyone around here has kids when they are 18, when I worked in Maryland everyone waited to have kids and you fall into that group.  Some even waited till they were 35, but lets not wait till you're 40."

(Okay!  That really does make me feel good... I am not being sarcastic here.)

"You can keep on trying and have no further testing and see if you are pregnant by the 2 year mark in August, or longer if you like.  Or you can go and have a Hysterosalpingogram... Okay your face is telling me that you don't know what that is.  It is where dye is injected into the uterus and they can see if your tubes are blocked or your uterus is misshapen.  We recommend going down to UVA, and they will conduct a sperm analysis for your husband at the same time.  Let me go and get the picture of the uterus and show you."

(Wait a minute, they are going to put what in what and read what and see what and tell me what????  They are going to check the Hubby's swimmers right?  Did I ask that?  Oh I am going to ask that to make sure.)

"Here is the uterus, they put dye in a tube, and insert it here, and then watch to see what happens, they they go from there.  Bad news your insurance won't cover infertility.  Now, if you are blocked you may have to go straight to IVF, because you know when you are ovulating and it could get fertilized in your tube and then a tubal pregnancy could occur and that is not viable and it is not safe to you.  They could give your husband Clomid if his sperm is not active enough, or do other things to boost him.  They could decided that you need fertility injections, they could extract your husband's sperm and shoot it up your uterus so that the sperm doesn't have to do as much work.  Usually IVF is the last option, and the most expensive.  Would you like me to get you the information?"
After a few more questions Dr. M walked out to get the nurse and get the information for me.  I walked out of the office with my head swimming, asking for a miracle.  Knowing that it may not happen.  I feel like this is taking forever, but I know that forever will come.  And as a great friend told me, you have to know when it is time to quit, when enough is enough.  I haven't reached it yet.  I think of how far I (yes me not we) have come.  I used to fear going to the doctor.  I would have so much anxiety that I would cry in the office before they would call me back.  If they even mentioned a shot or needle I would panic.  I can now go to the doctor's on my own, AND I can get blood drawn on my own.  When Dr. M mention injections, I thought of the people that could give them to me, knowing that I wouldn't be able to do it myself, but knowing that there are a few people that can do it to me.  When the talk of more doctor's appointments came up I didn't freak out.  I am also less mad about all of this these days and more confused.  I always ask if we are doing something wrong.  The answer seems to be no.

One more thing... I should have not googled Hysterosalpingogram (HSG), I am a little freaked out.  I have to lay down a basically have a pap smear performed without the smear part.  They will insert the duck (whatever that clamp is called that opens you up), then wash my cervix with a special soap (wait that doesn't see the light of day... why does it need washed??), then insert a tube with the dye in it, and squirt the dye and watch it go, which can take up to 30 minutes.  Please say that I am going to be sedated some how?  I don't know if I can lay still that long.  Oh yeah, I will have to take a full day off of work.  Which they will not like, and hubby has to have a day off too.  And all this has to be done and scheduled 2 days after my period to make sure that I am not pregnant.  Umm wait, I can't get why do I have to be sure?  And I have to ask off for 2 weeks in advance.  And my hubby is only off for maybe 2 days and that is after he works 4.  When will this all happen?  Breathe, please breathe....  Don't google everything.  It will scare the hell out of you!!!

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