I am NOT doing this for attention. If fact if you truly know me, I really don't like that much attention. To the fact that I am writing a blog shocks me. Only because I know that people are reading it. But, I am writing blog posts and cluing people in because it makes me feel better.
I know that people are asking, then why do it in a public way? Well, the simple answer is because so many people ask me things all the time. And so that I don't have to repeat myself so many times I just write them down (type them out, I see you there.) Writing has always made me feel better. I would journal in class when I was supposed to be paying attention. I would write things down, when I was supposed to taking notes in class. Getting thoughts down on paper have always been a release for me. I'm not saying that am or was an unhappy person. I'm just saying that I had thoughts, ideas, or things to say and I didn't want to always say them out loud. I also liked when I went on a trip to write down things that were going on. Sometimes, that I got me in trouble. Because, lets be honest I can be hateful.
I know that people think that I am really sweet person, which I really can be. But, I can also be very HATEFUL. Honestly, I'm not sure if it is me being hateful or I'm being honest. Maybe it is the delivery in which I say it, or how I say it, I don't really know. But, I really do try to consider others feelings. I sometimes, just can't take when they don't consider mine and then I let it go like word vomit. We all have a place where we can't take it any longer. Some of us it takes a lot longer to get there. Some of us let it fester and grow and then everything becomes a negative. I fall somewhere in the middle. I take a while to get there, but when I get there I will find every single thing I can to make you feel like you have made me feel. To the point of going overboard, and to begin to criticize things. Again, I'm not sure what you want to call it, but it is what it is and I can't change it. Trust me I have tried.
I don't work on friendships anymore. I don't know if this is because I'm working on other things and they are taking a lot or if I just want to be a hermit and I don't have time for things. It isn't that I don't want to hang out and have fun with friends, it is just that if it is a ton of work, I won't try to work on it. That is honest.
I am also at a place where some things really don't bother me. I know that I have burned a lot of bridges and a lot of people. Normally, I want to fix it. I want to try and be different. Do you know how exhausting that is?? I cannot fix EVERYTHING, I have tried. I just chalk it up to more word vomit (Thank you Mean Girls ((the movie)), for coming up with the phrase, I have loved it since then.) Let's face it I have horrible word vomit. I am really trying to fix that, mainly just a filter. But I have learned that if the bridge is burnt, then I need to let it go. I need to be done with it and I need to move on. It's hard, but I try.
I also over analyze and rethink almost everything. I can remember things that I have said and how they affect people. Then I will look back on it and feel like an ass because of what I have said or how I acted. Sometimes I wish that I could see how guilty I'll feel before I act that way, so that I don't do it. Something that none of us have the ability to do. So this is something that will just be there.
Back to the not wanting anyone to think that I am doing this for attention...
I'm not sure why I had to even go there. It is just the things that people say and do that make me think that they are thinking I want attention. What I want is to feel better. I want to look back on this time in my life and laugh, or say what the hell. I want answers, and I am not sure how to get them. (Answers to what needs to be saved for another time.) If in thinking that I write this for attention then please read my posts and give me attention. By helping me answer my question. If you just enjoy reading this, or are on the journey with me. Keep on reading. Bottom line, I am not an attention whore. I am some that thought when I got to my 30 year old self, my life would be a little bit different. I know that life never turns out like you planned, but it has to go some what the way you want it. I know there are only a few things that would look different, but those are the hardest things. Also, while we are on the subject, if you think that I am an attention whore, why are you reading this? You don't have to. You can ignore when I post them to facebook. You have free will, I'm not making you read. So, I know that this is going to make people mad. It seems as if every blog that I write that is not about my fertility struggles pisses people off, so I know that someone will be angry. Someone will decide that they don't want to be my "friend" any more. But, you know what I really don't care. Delete me please. Unfriend me please. I think that I might just take my own advice. I think that it is time to clear the list. Who knows what I will do. I do know that I will keep blogging. I will keep pissing people off. It's what I do.
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