Wednesday, March 2, 2016
What keeps me up until 3am....
This is what used to keep me up at night... well there are two parts to it, the "monster" under my bed and the dark. However last night was a new thing. I have been missing for some time. I have been not wanting to write this blog. Or really I have not had the courage to write this blog.
To be honest no one knows how to deal with me. On the 27th of January, we found out that IVF did not work and we lost our embryos. When you are told that this will work, and that there is no reason why you should NOT be pregnant, you don't prepare yourself for that outcome. Your first reaction is hurt and loss. And then you have mixed reactions. You don't want to tell anyone, but eventually everyone will ask. EVERYONE. You can't explain things to people. To some you were never really pregnant, and to others you suffered a loss. EVERYONE handles you different and some days you cannot handle yourself. I fall apart, I come back together. Some days are harder than others. If I am home and what I am watching has to do with babies, you can bet that I am cuddling with my boxer. Being out in public is a whole other thing. I am learning to deal.
I have been learning to handle these monsters. To be honest I want people to leave me alone about it, let me make a decision about it. I know that this is not the case. EVERYONE is curious and EVERYONE wants to know what the next step is. The problem is, I don't know what the next step is. For days I didn't want to be around kids. But then about 2 weeks later I held a baby. That was hard, but it was oh so magical. It is getting better, but I am a work in progress... please let the progress grow.
Getting back to the monster...
Last night I couldn't sleep. I got bored and got on my instagram. I was looking at my pictures when I realized that I "hash tagged" IVF, and so I decided to search around and see what I would find. BAD IDEA!!! It took me into this entire world, of women and their blogs. And as I looked them up, I decided to try and reach out. Which is hard, because I want to be alone. I want to be wrapped up in my thoughts. And I have seen that women going through the same thing and different have different thoughts on everything that I do. Which is okay but I really wasn't ready for it. BUT: There is my support group, these people that I don't even know, miles apart, and I don't have to explain over and over things to them. They understand. They have been there. They have been around pregnant people and dealt with it. They have had failed cycles. They are there. Reaching out is not a bad idea. But the first step is reaching out. After that, it should be easy.
There are so many next steps and so many more directions to go in. There is no right option. I struggle daily with what to do. And last night, I just tossed and turned in my thoughts. Life does go on, the world keeps turning. New dreams are dreamed daily, but sometimes at night, I JUST can't keep up with the day and I can't sleep. The hardest day of the month is the 27th. The next hardest day is the 15th, and from there all the others days are just days. The hardest day of my life will come. October will be here before I know it. I'm sure that I will be a mess. I'm sure that no one will know how to deal with me. I will get there. I will spend time not sleeping. I will be okay during the day, and at night I will struggle. I will be okay. I dream big, but I never even stop to think that these big dreams, don't materialize. I need to get my head out of the clouds and into reality.