Saturday, March 12, 2016

In Life...

You get so many chances and so many redo's...  

I am not one to grant many chances, although I would like them myself; I usually think that what is done is done and that is the end.  Sometimes I wish that life was recorded.  So that you could see things that you have done and have time for self reflection before it is too late to mend.  I never knew how much a person could grow and change until I had to do it on my own and learn my own way to do it.  And in that I have changed a lot.  When people used to meet me for the first time, they would see this overly friendly person, who has no reserve; I would tell you like it is and then that would be the end.  I wouldn't ever listen, but I wanted so bad for people to listen to me.  That me prided herself on the friendships that she made.  That girl also thought that all grass was green, she was invincible, could handle anything with a smile on her face.  That girl had no guard up, that girl loved with all her heart.  That girl grew up, that caterpillar stayed in the cocoon for way too long.

"Looking back over my life
I can see where I caused you strife
But I know, oh yes I know
I'd never make that same mistake again"

Now when people meet me I am guarded, they meet this completely different person, that took almost all my 20's to shape.  The thing is I am at fault for this different me.  I didn't learn until it was too late to keep my mouth shut.  That some things and some thoughts that I have I really need to keep to myself.  And that control is something that I need to let go of.  You cannot control people or things.  EVERYONE'S life is different and their journeys are different and you cannot control that either.  In self reflection I have found that I am pretty mean.  Why I said and did those things, I really have no idea.  I have also learned that the same reason that I cannot forgive people, is the same reason that they cannot forgive me.  Apologies are only part of it.  You can see the hurt that you have caused people on their faces.  And that is the worst part.

"Once my cup was overflowing
But I gave nothing in return
Now I can't begin to tell you
What a lesson I have learned"

If you are reading this, if you read this (isn't that a song?) trust me in knowing that I'm not that person anymore.  A journey starts with the first step.  I can't go back to the person that I was.  I don't think that she really exists anymore.  Or maybe she does, she has just changed.  She has been through so much, she has tried so hard.  But, let me stop with the pity party sentences right now.  

I do not pity myself.  I regret, and that is not pity.  I have ruined things that cannot repair.  Oh how I miss those days.  

People grow and change, and the thing is to not a grow apart.  Sometimes people do, you cannot control it.  But you should always try.  Try to see people in a different way.  I try to teach myself this every day.  I am learning to listen.  Just listen.  Hear what people are telling you.  Not only through their words but through their body language.  This is a lot harder than you might think.  I am also trying not to judge, especially from far away, but mostly from any way.  I'm just trying.  I think most of all I need to forgive myself.  I need to stop controlling people in that way.  If they forgive me, then I need to decide that they really do and there is nothing more.  I need to stop being so passive aggressive, because there is that too.  To so I am sorry is not enough.  So I will stop here.

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