Wednesday, September 14, 2016

This may contain tears:

Since we have started this IVF session, I have tried not to think about the last one.  But, to the best of my ability I have not been very successful this last month.  But, I have been very quiet about it.  

Today, really got me.  Because it is almost the end of September, and October would have been when we were due.  I also really want to be normal.  I just want to get pregnant.  More than that I wanted our first embryos.  I have to try and look past that, and think that God had not meant them for me.  

I am sitting here trying to find the words to write.  I am pretty stumped.  I have a ton of emotions.  People post about being pregnant and I feel joy for them, but I am always like, why not me.  I just feel that the years are passing bye, and I can't make them stop.  I want more than ever for them to slow down.  I wish I had that power.  I also wish that I could just make this IVF work.  Oh vey.

I want every single shot to be one step closer to our baby.  But, I have to be honest with myself, that they may not be.  In my heart I feel like this is my time.  They found out that I have fluctuating thyroid had I have had to go on meds for that.  If I were not doing IVF and not on and off birth control so much, it wouldn't be a big deal.  But because it was slightly elevated it could cause me to miscarry, so on the meds I go.  Also everything else has been going good, my lining is where it should be.   I just have to find out if my hormones are in the right place.  Please God, let it be so.  

I hope that I am not writing the same thing over and over.  I feel like my mind is consumed on this, especially at a time when all I wanna do is think about Halloween and do Halloween stuff.  I also just want to be a hermit.  I would like to spend the next 2 months under blankets, taking a shower every other day or so and binge watching a ton of shows.  Since I can't do any of that, I guess I will just try and be as normal as I can be.  

I currently do not have a plan "b" and this should shock every one of you because I always have another plan.  I am quick to make the next plan.  I think it out and I finally arrive at it.  I do not have one this time.  I don't know if I will know how to pick myself back up this time around and move on.  I am also hoping beyond hope that I will not have to.  I know that if I think positive then it will be positive.  But, I am beyond scared and nervous and I just want to skip a head.  In the world of IVF there are several 2 weeks waits.  It has been classically coined TWW.  Why they pick 2 weeks, I really don't understand or know.  But, it is what it is.  And it is the biggest annoyance that I have to deal with.  Besides being on meds that my body doesn't like any more.  I have been been breaking out.  But, I cannot take anything for it.  I just have to deal.  

I am sorry that I sound like a whiner, but I cannot help it.  I am ready for the next step and I am also ready for it to be over.  For now I wish you love and baby dust.

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