Since we have started this IVF session, I have tried not to think about the last one. But, to the best of my ability I have not been very successful this last month. But, I have been very quiet about it.
Today, really got me. Because it is almost the end of September, and October would have been when we were due. I also really want to be normal. I just want to get pregnant. More than that I wanted our first embryos. I have to try and look past that, and think that God had not meant them for me.
I am sitting here trying to find the words to write. I am pretty stumped. I have a ton of emotions. People post about being pregnant and I feel joy for them, but I am always like, why not me. I just feel that the years are passing bye, and I can't make them stop. I want more than ever for them to slow down. I wish I had that power. I also wish that I could just make this IVF work. Oh vey.
I want every single shot to be one step closer to our baby. But, I have to be honest with myself, that they may not be. In my heart I feel like this is my time. They found out that I have fluctuating thyroid had I have had to go on meds for that. If I were not doing IVF and not on and off birth control so much, it wouldn't be a big deal. But because it was slightly elevated it could cause me to miscarry, so on the meds I go. Also everything else has been going good, my lining is where it should be. I just have to find out if my hormones are in the right place. Please God, let it be so.
I hope that I am not writing the same thing over and over. I feel like my mind is consumed on this, especially at a time when all I wanna do is think about Halloween and do Halloween stuff. I also just want to be a hermit. I would like to spend the next 2 months under blankets, taking a shower every other day or so and binge watching a ton of shows. Since I can't do any of that, I guess I will just try and be as normal as I can be.
I currently do not have a plan "b" and this should shock every one of you because I always have another plan. I am quick to make the next plan. I think it out and I finally arrive at it. I do not have one this time. I don't know if I will know how to pick myself back up this time around and move on. I am also hoping beyond hope that I will not have to. I know that if I think positive then it will be positive. But, I am beyond scared and nervous and I just want to skip a head. In the world of IVF there are several 2 weeks waits. It has been classically coined TWW. Why they pick 2 weeks, I really don't understand or know. But, it is what it is. And it is the biggest annoyance that I have to deal with. Besides being on meds that my body doesn't like any more. I have been been breaking out. But, I cannot take anything for it. I just have to deal.
I am sorry that I sound like a whiner, but I cannot help it. I am ready for the next step and I am also ready for it to be over. For now I wish you love and baby dust.