Wednesday, September 21, 2016

The hardest thing about....

The hardest thing about infertility/IVF isn't the waiting game, even though that is torture.  The hardest part is maintaining friendships with people.  It is almost like every one becomes a battleground.  

In relationships you can play so many roles.  Usually in them you as one person play one role.  Unless you are married or related to that person, then you can play them all.  Your friends will stick you in one role, sometimes you don't know it, other times you are good at it and you feel it all the time.  I can honestly say, that I do not play the role of support.  Generally when someone sticks me in the role, I fail at it miserably.  I can empathize with what you are going through, and I can be dependable, but I find it hard to be supportive.  I generally seek out people who will support me, due to that fact that I am not good at this role.  If there was a such role as being honest, then I fit right in.  Sometimes I just say it.  I have heard it many times from many different people.  My hubs college roommate would tell me all the time that I am brutal, and often times he didn't want to talk to me because I would just tell him how it is.  (Mind you he was kind of a dick, he thought that he was crazy funny and always right, and he just sucked all the fun out of the room sometimes.  I couldn't keep up, because sometimes he would just frustrate me.)

Getting back to the original topic.  During this process you want to find friends that support you.  You see if you have a friend that is going through this, it is pretty hard to be there.  If you and a friend are going through this together it can really bring you closer.  But, it can also drive a wedge through you.  The thing is people have expectations of you, and one in your moment of weakness or struggle you can't live up to it people want to exit your live almost as quick as they came into your life.  You tell your friends that you are going to blog about your journey, and that could mean at some point they will be a part of it.  So they stop talking you.  The truth is that you don't know how to not blog about people.  And you don't know how to stop blogging about babies and not having them once you start.  

I think that it is funny that people don't talk to me because they don't want to be a part of my blog.  I also think that it is funny that people have this revolving friendship with me, and they keep walking in and out of my life.  In the words of Meredith Grey, "We see a path and we take it.... even if we have no idea where we are going."  I ran down this path.  It was a hard path to pick.  I mean I have to subject myself to many things, needles being one of them, tons of meds being another.  NEITHER ONE I like.  I have to subject myself to waiting games, and not knowing what is going on in my body or around it.  Yeah it sounds like a shit ton of fun.  Anyways.  

Friendships are hard to maintain during this time.  Mainly because any relationship takes work, and I'm married and working on making a baby and so those also take work.  Plus, I have a job, so that leaves not much more room for me to keep working.  I want so much to keep my friendships.  But, I also have learned that sometimes I cannot do it all.  I am not super woman.  I am just a girl that has a lot of opinions, who writes them down, and hopes that I am not talking in circles all the time, and that you will follow my blog.  So, for now I wish you love and baby dust.

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