Monday, November 14, 2016

Living on the Edge of reason.

On average how many times do you blink your eyes in day?  (There is an answer out there, but I don't feel like googling it right now.)  On average how many times do you allow that cursor to blink before you start writing?  The thoughts in my head are all jumbled.  The words are not coming.  

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I feel like I could dream a thousand dreams and they would never come close to being true.  I feel like sometimes I am down this damn rabbit hole and I am stuck there.  I am not going to pop up, it is not going to be different.  Day in, Day out I'm stuck.  If I could just make this one thing work, then everything else would just fall into place.  This is not real.  

What's real, is I'm going to get up tomorrow and the day is going to start over again.  What's real, is I am going to go to work and keep doing my tasks there.  What's real, is I am going to come home make dinner, play with the dogs, talk with the hubs, get a shower, and go to bed.

What's not real: Dreaming.  That is not real.  I will not wake up and it be true.  
What's not real: Thinking that everything is going to be okay.

I am trying to put all of the Negative things that I have in my head out of them.  I am trying to think of reasons to be happy and be positive.  That is the reason for today's post.  I have to try and remain positive.  

However!!!!!  The seed of doubt is a big one.  

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If I can just get through it, I can live.  If I can just stop doubting that I can move forward.  If I could just have peace than I can breathe.  And then and only then, can I stop with the worry.  

In my life I am going through a lot of things that are uncertain.  Life in general is uncertain.  But, I have more than that.  IVF is a big thing that comes with a lot of risks, and not a lot of return.  I am worried that I will have taken the risk, with no reward.  I'm not sure how to accept that.  I'm not sure how to keep going after that.  There is no answer.  There are no kind words.  There is nothing that will change it.  I know that there is a bigger story than this.  My story will not be over.  But, I'd love to just have my baby.  My boxer only fills up so much of that, the rat terrier takes some space too, and even on good days the cat has some room too.  But, the baby would fill the hole of my heart.  I know that this was almost about nothing.  And I know that most of my posts have been that way.  Thanks for continuing to read them any ways.  Thanks for laughing, crying, and caring about me.  Thanks for it all.  Until next time, I wish you love and baby dust.

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