I have been going to a church group for a little while. I have been really wanting to go, and finally my friend took me. It is a mom's group, and for a little while I felt like a fraud; I'm not a mom yet. The first time that I was there I didn't want to share my story, however my friend kept nudging me to do so. I didn't. To be honest, I'm not used to sharing my story in person. People either find out through social media, already know, or they see me become upset over something silly and they find out what is going on. It's not that I don't want to share my story, it is that sometimes it is hard. I get a lot of mixed reactions; some people are really nice about it and think that it is something amazing that I am doing, others ask a lot of questions (Which I don't mind) because they don't understand, some are stunned... then there is the last group: hate/ anger or thinking that this is something that the Hubs makes me do. I don't know about you people in that last group. I cannot say it enough, Hubs does not force me to do this. I want a child, WE want a child and so we have to figure this out.
Anyways: There has been a question that has come up several times that I have been in group. It is similar to this; "Do you trust God? Do you trust Him to follow through on all His promises to you?" This has weighed heavy on me for sometime. And that is when it came out. I told them my story (they are not strangers now) but many of the ladies sitting in that room were strangers, and I am sitting here sharing my IVF story with tears pouring down my face. I got to thinking about why I might have had the tears, because usually I can say my story and I can keep it together, and then I realized the day that it was; or better yet the day after the day that it was. It was the 26th of October, and I realized that I had made it through my due date of the first embryos of the 25th without batting an eye. I was so busy to not pay attention to what day it was. I was thankful for that. I was thankful for sitting with the group of ladies and being distracted until that question came about. I am thankful for anytime that I am busy. Because, if I am not keeping my mind busy, then I am thinking about them. And now I have 3 to think about. I realized that the 26th would have marked the 1st 24 hours of being a mom. And the emotions and the hormones just came up everywhere.
I have yet to figure this all out. I still have a lot of understanding. The hardest part to hear still is; "You can't make the embryo stick, it has to do that itself." I'd rather hear something else. I'd rather hear anything else. It's hard when my favorite time of year comes around and I have no kids to take photos of or dress up. I try to keep it busy, and just think about being thankful for anything. It is hard when some of your times is spent just thinking. I don't know how to get through some of that. I'm trying.
When people come and talk to me about what I am going through, and they try to sympathize with me, I don't really like it. I also don't like when people blame the Hubs, or say that he is putting me through this. That isn't the case. I'm not sure how to say that enough. We are in this together. We are a team, and there is no I in team, there is a me, but that is only if you put it backwards. I have said that my relationship with God has been a struggle. I am not lying about that. I have God on one shoulder and I'm sure the devil trying to sit on the other. I am trying not to listen. I think that this is the path that I was put on. I think that telling my story is what is wanted. I am trusting that it is. I am trusting that this will work. I am trusting. I keep trusting. I keep trusting and I keep praying. So, for now I wish you a Wonderful Halloween and Love and Baby Dust!!
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