May the 4th be with you

I have had a ton of blogs that I have been working on, yet none of them seem to be the right one at the right time.  So I have been writing them down, so that I don't forget the idea instead of blogging them, mainly so that I don't forget.  

Have you ever walked into a room and felt like you were a stranger, or all alone?  Well it seems that I can do that now.  I also used to wonder how Hubs could slip out of rooms so fast and unnoticed, seems that I have learned this trick from him.  Also I really am not sure who reads these, I'm always surprised at when someone says something that I have wrote about or posted, then I know that they are listening.  

Last night was the end of my mom's group, and as I have said before I still feel like a fraud there because all my babies are in Heaven.  But, I feel a bond with these ladies, so I try to still keep going.  I also am trying to find ways to settle myself, so I have been trying to go to Church, and attend an actual service.  I haven't made it that far yet.  
As I was sitting there, for one of the first times I have felt alone.  How can someone sit beside you and they not converse with you?  There were about 3 times were I didn't feel like I was going to float away.  Once when I was asked what we would like to study next year, 2nd when someone asked me if I was okay, and I answer "No"... and then the best...

I learned that there is an IVF/Infertility support group at church.  Sign me up.  Maybe I won't be so lost?  Maybe I will find a friend that understands me and won't just leave me.  Maybe I will just learn to be and not be so angry and upset all the time.  Maybe just maybe.

There are times when I think that I need to get off this journey, when I just need to stop and say "I will not have my baby." Which is super hard and brings instant tears in my eyes and pain in my heart.  I really don't remember what life was like before IVF.  Before all the trying, before limiting diets, before hair loss, and skin issues, before tears.  Just Before.

6 years ago I believed that the hardest thing I was going to have to get through was the year of our wedding.  No even the first year of being married, just the preparation the struggle of all that.  I thought that once that was over, that the rest would come easy.  And yet here we are again, with another damn struggle! IVF is one of these things that there is no end in sight.  Unless you stop going for the treatments, and even then that is not an end.

My thoughts are jumbled today because they are just that way.  I am at this place in my life where nothing makes any sense.  I'm really not in a positive place.  The thing is if you stay in this place then I will just be there.  I will be stuck. No one wants to talk to me, their lives are still going on, and I am just here.  

I am going to leave this here, I am going to say that I am trying to find the norm.  I know that people no longer what to hear my story they are tired of it.  I know that there are people that are no longer here for me, I understand.  But, I have had a few people reach out to me.  I am thankful.  I know that I am alone, but I hope that I am changing some peoples minds.