Sunday, August 31, 2014

I wish that I could say yes...

There are many things that people ask...

Day to day you might ask someone 100 questions, no not like when you are a kid and you keep asking, "Why?" and that is your answer to the question.  Most questions are easy answers, you never think about them after the question is asked.  However, I have been dwelling on two questions lately and I wish that I could say "yes" to both of these questions.

Before I say what those questions are, I must keep you guessing and reading and try to work my way around them...

When I was little I never thought that I would be anything other than a teacher.  It was never a question that I would not be a teacher.  I wasn't in it for the money.. I really enjoyed knowledge and I wanted to share it with others.  I wanted school supplies out of the abundance, I wanted a desk, and things to organize my school supplies... And now when people ask me if I teach the answer is, "No."  A no that I really hate saying, I have been dwelling on this a lot lately.  I have even been thinking do I really want to teach.  It's beginning to go from dwelling on wanting to be a teacher to 2nd guessing if I really wanted to be a teacher in the first place.  

I would love to answer "Yes" to this question.  I am sure that I will be scared to death when the answer is "Yes," it is a reason for having a big house, a good job, money in the bank, and a car to drive.  When people ask if we are expecting...I want to say yes.  I don't know when the breaking point to this will be.  I feel so let down, I feel like it is the end of the world.  I am tired of being hopeful, I am tired of trying different things to test this and do that!  I am so tired of some of the advice.  If you haven't been in my shoes you don't know...
When the monthly visitor comes, I want to choke someone...better yet I just want to be left alone.  I have never been so mad to receive, "The Monthly Gift" in my life.  I want to make it clear.. I am trying to stay positive.  But the longer this goes on the more I want to pull my hair out.  I am beginning to walk by pregnant women and give them evil looks.  I look longingly at babies and toddlers, and wonder what mine will look like.  I am sure that people think I am weird or something... 

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