Writing has always been a way for me to feel better, just to have something down, even if I never looked at it made me feel good. I am not a very good blogger, I run out of ideas, or I really just want to be mean and not care who reads it (I end up not writing those); cooking was a way to write and feel good and not offend anyone.... Then I got stuck. Sure I still cook, I still try out recipes, but I just didn't care. I didn't want to tell you about them, I didn't care to get publish. My actual life became something that I just didn't want to blog about. I did have to time to sit down and write, I also had time so sit and cook. I just didn't want to do either. I would rather call for take out, or cook and not blog. Enough excuses?
I lost a friend that was near and dear to my heart. It was slow and then all at once. I thought that we were able to survive, we tried a couple of times. Then I made one more plea, and that was it. Nothing. Coming to terms with that has been hard. Realizing that you could have done a lot to prevent it has been even harder. It changes your entire world, it rocks your core. Having a best friend is not a title, and when they are done with you, you know it. I considered this person my sister, someone to go to with everything.
I am more guarded now. I with every new person I meet, I just think about when they are not there and if I want to let them into my life. Usually I don't, I am working on it. I don't want to be friend-less. I just don't want to go from talking to someone every day to nothing. So for now that guard is up, and it will take a while to be down.
Now on to what I really didn't want to write....the reason I was off of facebook and may go again..
Like magic my facebook blew up with people being pregnant. Hubby and I were so very hopeful that we would join everyone. That our babies would have babies to grow up with, a close group of friends to enjoy, because we would all go through the journey together.... and then time passed. It was easier to not have facebook on my phone, not go on the computer to check it. It is not that I am not happy for all of you, I really am. But I am not in that club. I thought that I was okay with it.. turns out I am really not. I couldn't stand to get on the computer and see. I also began to get mad.. why on earth is it so hard for me? Why can't I do this? I always thought that I would be a mom right now. Not just to kids that bark... It has been a really hard journey.
For a long time when people would ask me when we were going to have kids, I would hold my breath and forget they would ask me. When I wasn't around them I would cry, I would also hope that the next time I would see them they wouldn't ask or I could tell them different. I was mean, I just wanted to not be asked about kids. Why couldn't anyone understand this? Why do people also think that it is so funny to ask? I am not sure where they come up with it is funny. I have also wanted to punch people in the face for this question and or inflict pain on them. To me, that was funny. (I know mean, but it helped).
I am now in a place where I joke back. So if you ask me I don't want to punch you in the face. I still don't think that it is funny, but I will give you a smart ass answer, I also might tell you something that will stop you in your tracks. I am unsure what will come out of my mouth. I can't really control it. You might get offended. That might make me feel better.
One last thing... I have asked God (or whoever up there I am talking to, trusting, and putting my faith into) why some people are parents and hubby and I are not. (This is where I am going to get offensive, if you are reading this from facebook and you think it applies to you, you may do some things; 1. Delete me no questions asked ((Bye)), 2. Ask me if it is about you, I'm into being honest so I will tell you. 3. Not give a shit and we are still friends. 4. Block me. 5. Don't read my shit!) Some of you are horrible parents, or at least what you put on facebook. Do we really need to know some of these things? Hubby has told me many times, if I post pics of my kids naked for all the world to see he is going to delete my facebook himself (he has the password, we are like that). We have long conversations about people complaining about their kids (at least you have them). And for the love of all man kind... are you really asking facebook what you should do about your kid leaving things around the house for your dog to eat? I have said parenthood might be harder than I am reading into..I mean I just have dogs. But, in my own defense I went to school and majored in Education...which requires you to take some human development classes and some child psychology classes. You also spend countless hours with kids. I also now have a job with kids, spent most of my life watching other peoples kids...I think that I know something. If you are on facebook complaining about your kids or better yet asking dumb questions; get your ass off of facebook and look after your kid. I am not sorry if I offended you, I am not sorry that you feel this is you..you can do what I said before. I am done sugar coating things and being nice to people. I have done it for too long.
So now that it is all out there...I wonder how my friends list is going to affected? (Not really worried about it, just curious.)