Sunday, May 29, 2016

My thoughts are jumbled

When I sit down to write I have about 1 million thoughts going through my mind.  I have never really considered myself as a good writer.  But, when I do write it makes me feel better.  It is as if my thoughts or worries are leaving my head, when my fingers release the button on the keyboard (or for us old school people writing diaries, the words on the paper where euphoric!!)  

Image result for Donald Duck angry

The above image is how my thoughts are stored on any given day.  The worry is great.  But I have decided in order to not sound like a babbling idiot every time I sit to write a blog, or some crazy mad person, that I am going to carry a journal around and write some thoughts down, so that I can collect my thoughts before I collect my thoughts.  How I came up with this wonderfully great idea, is that I called the RE the other day and I had to write down all my questions before I could talk to the lady.  I'm just not very good at thinking on the fly.  I also realized that I am not very good at getting my point across.  I'm not sure if it is my delivery or that people really don't understand me.  Whatever it is, it annoys the crap out of me.   

I find myself repeating over and over again what I say.  I also have to explain, and explain and explain again.  I know that sometimes I come across offensive, angry, or just plan moody.  But, the thing is, you have never been in this journey, you have not had to figure it out on your own.  A lot of the time my thoughts are angry.  Because, I am always wondering why me??  What on earth did I do to get here.  And a lot of my thoughts are doubtful.  

Have you ever been somewhere, where you don't know anyone (I'm talking no one) and you don't know where you are or where you are going?  Like you just drove or walked somewhere and you didn't take a G.P.S. or phone so you aren't sure how you are going to get back??  This is much of the I.V.F journey.  You don't know how you got here.  You don't know that moment that you have arrived.  There isn't much on it.  There is no one to lead the way, other than a Dr.  And you have to like and trust them because there is no one else to do so.  I was in a state of daily panic.  Luckily without the panic attacks.  I wanted to sleep, and sleep a lot.  When I would get to work I would already be tired because I had been up since 5 that morning to get to my appointment and then I was up till 10 or so that night.  Mind you having to work in the middle of the day.  Having conversations with people was the worst.  Have you ever had a conversation with someone that goes in circles and you aren't sure when it is going to end?  You think that if you just stop talking that they will do the same thing, and then they ask another question?  This was my daily life during my I.V.F cycle.  I only had the comfort of my cat.  And you know have to know that I am a dog person, so when my grandma demanded that my pups stay with her and my pappy during my bed rest, you have to know that there wasn't much comfort there.  (Side note: Oliver is a sweet heating pad loving cat, and we really bonded during my bed rest time.  To the point where I really love him and I don't want anything to happen to him, much like my dogs.  He is now and okay comfort, because I know during the next cycle my grandma will not allow my dogs to stay with me.  So, Ollie and I will share the heating pad yet again.  And he doesn't really like to share it.)

Family and Friends are generally kind about the I.V.F process.  I know that they mean well with their questions, and their "Have you tried this..??"  But, I always have to explain that there is much to try.  When you have a couple that has male fertility issues and they are unexplained there isn't much to do.  But, when you love this person with all your heart and soul and you couldn't imagine your live without them, you don't think about anything else.  You put your body through things that you didn't think that you could do (tons of needles and internal sonograms).  You connect with people that are going through the same thing, and even though they are strangers because you have never met them, you couldn't imagine talking to someone else.  And you hold on to the real friendships that you have made with people that have had the similar problem that you do.   In the words of Meredith Grey from Grey's Anatomy; "They are your person."  They get you.  Hands up hands down.  They also offer to give you shot in your bum and don't blink about it or make some kind of joke about it.  They also offer to give you a shot in your belly and don't make a big deal about it when you ask them with a panic looked on your face, because your hubs did a great job, and you know how it felt when he did it.  And you are panicked when you know that someone else might have to do it for him, and you can't give it to yourself.  You also try to look past some of the questions that people continue to ask you about, or that they don't understand, even though you want to scream at the top of you lungs, "Why can't you just understand??"  

I know this is long, and I really didn't have my thoughts together when I started, but it just kind of took off so I went with it.  I think that I have finally come to terms with myself and not being pregnant the first go around.  I really did blame myself.  I couldn't figure it out, and the RE was not offering much, other than my body did not respond to the medication the way that it was supposed to.  So in hearing that I decided to look around and find some groups that I could become a part of.  The most common things that these ladies did was stop eating gluten and dairy, and their cycles were successful.  And while these benefits will be good on my body, this is not the purpose.  The purpose is for my eggs to grow, and my embryos to attach to my body and grow a baby.  And I know that I have a lot to give up.  But I have to do it.  Yeah, I'd love to sit in my pjs and eat tacos all day because they are my favorite thing, but I cannot do that.  Just like after my cycle I couldn't sit in my pjs and never go back to work.  But I could turn my phone off and not talk to anyone.  

I'd also love to be able to sit on a beach this entire process and not work or talk or anything.  Just sit there and watch the waves go in and out, and birds sing, and the fish swim and maybe my dog just play the entire time.  But I can't do that.  I have to work, and function and be a normal human, when I feel like my body is not going through anything normal.  I am also worried that when it talked to the RE nurse that what she told me about fewer appointments is not true.  I don't have any embryos or eggs that are stored.  I have to get there.  So I am worried that she didn't get that point and then I will have to go daily.  What I want more than anything out of this 2nd cycle, is a baby, and stored embryos.  We have NONE from last time.  And I know that I struggle with the fact that my little babies are stored in a freezer until I am ready for them, but I am also sad that I don't have any at this point in time.  I lost them all.  I have a photo, and that's it.  And yes it is hard for me to be around pregnant woman.  I try my best to be good about it.  I also try my best to not go bat shit crazy on someone who isn't decent to their child.  It is a fine like that I really struggle with.  Yes, I could go bat shit crazy at any given time.  I just try really really hard not to.  I have also come to the point where I have no grey area.  And when you live with my hubs that is hard.  Cause he is full of grey area.  You ask him if you can go somewhere and he will say "I didn't say no,"  No but you didn't say "Yes" either.  So then he says yes, but it is like pulling teeth.  So, I need no grey and no grey hairs.  And I will end it here, before I show you how bat shit crazy I can really be.  Love and Baby Dust.

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