Wednesday, May 4, 2016

I mad about everything

I am mad about EVERYTHING... and nothing is helping.

I am just in spot where everything is setting me off.  But, I am trying to be quiet about it and not blow up.  

I am a goal oriented person.  I set a goal, and I really try to achieve it.  I have to say, (and it is going to sound crazy), I loved working at Walmart, because I could do all different jobs and I never had to leave.  I am a very loyal employee.  But, if I cannot move and grow.  I will find somewhere else that I can go and do that.  Yes, everyone starts from the base level, but some are very happy there.  I am not that person.  If you wanna teach me I want to learn.  I will also use my job as a stepping stone to something else.  When I was in counseling, I wanted to use that job to get back into teaching.  I was so excited to be in the classroom, until that job seemed to fizzle.  

I am also quiet about my goals.  When I first start working somewhere, I am not going to tell you what my plans are.  I'm the new person, and I don't want to come in sounding cocky if I am not the best fit for the job.  Should, I be that person maybe so, but I am not.  

I realize that I made a mistake at work.  I actually don't know what I did.  It is one of the first, and it is pretty big and I am in trouble.  This will keep me from moving up for a year, this also keeps me from moving to a different branch should a position become available.  I don't know what to do.  This is not ideal.  I am trying to be quiet and just do my job.  Be kind to the clients and work hard.  I am not trying to cause a stir.  I just want to work hard... 

Making a baby has been the hardest thing that I have ever tried to do in my life.  In this process I have gotten over so many fears.  I have made friends and lost them.  I have pissed people off and made them happy.  I have stirred said pot in so many ways.  I have bonded with strangers because they share the same journey.  

I don't wish this journey on any one.  
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Not even people that I truly hate.  This is hard.  Everyone thinks that they have some sort of answer.  And really there are none.  

Truth: we lost our embryos.  There were no reserve they took 6 and only 2 where good.  Those 2 little ones (our baby birds) where all our hopes and dreams and $10,000 plus, almost losing a job and waiting and hoping that they would make it.  They didn't.  The doctors said that there was no know reason for it.  That my body is not the one they were worried about.  We didn't think that we would need more than one cycle.  

Truth: we have to have another one.  It scares the shit out of me.  Is this one going to work.  Are all the shots and "surgeries" going to have the same result.  It's so expensive.  And my job not allowing me to grow is not helping with the costs.

People talk about not being able to afford things.  They talk about working hard and never getting a head.  Well think about when you wanted to have kids.  Were you able to just get pregnant?  That wasn't an added cost that you had to encounter.  I wish that I just had 50k sitting around ready for me to use.  Maybe I should set up a go fund me.  

All of this makes me very angry.  I should just be able to do what normal people do.  I should be able to just get pregnant.  Mother's day will be hard.  October will be harder.  I'm trying to keep my mind off of all these things.  Reality is a world that we live in.  Someone just buy me another Boxer and just make it all better.

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