Dancing on a tightrope

If I could dance, my dance would be completed on a tightrope right now....



I'm not sure if it is a balancing act that I have going on, or if I just need to fall, fall hopelessly, forever and just fall.  

It's funny because many people have said that my life lesson in this journey is that I will learn how to not be in control.  But, honestly I think that my life lesson is much more than this.  I think that I have learned many lessons in this.  

Control:  I have learned that there are things that I can control and some I can't.  And while I enjoy being in control there are many times where I like that the control is shifted off of me and on to someone else.  Even if that person is my Dr, and they aren't always communicating to me.

Take time to just be alone:  Don't answer the phone.  Don't talk.  Just be.  I find that sometimes this is the best thing ever.  I am really good at doing in when I am able to take long baths.  I also really like to do it on the weekends.  And sometimes for the hell of it I just like to do it.  I never knew that I would like this so much, until I really had to do it for myself.  During an IVF cycle you are go go, and sometimes you just need to not be.  I need to not be.  

Phones can be stressful:  Sometimes I don't want to even pick up my phone.  I would love to come home and it not go off.  From the time I get home from work, until I get up in the morning I would just like it to be quiet.  And yet we live in this world.  Honestly, from the time of 3 way calling and "Friends" used to try to get me to talk about others behinds their backs, I haven't liked talking on the phone.  I really could live without it.  I would probably check facebook less.  Who knew that a text message could make your blood pressure go up...

I have gotten really good at explaining medical jargon, and using other words for vaginia.  I wasn't sure how I would do on those things.  I did work in the pharmacy for a little while, but I have really gotten better at my skills.  

Putting something into your body that is not prescribed to you, even if it is food, can be stressful.  I never knew that.  I do think about what I am eating and why.  I miss coffee and ginger ale.  I am slowly missing dairy.  I get tired of eating so many veggies.  I have to tell people I can't have soda, alcohol, so much dairy, and trying to limit my gluten intake.  I get funny looks.  But, if it helps to conceive than I will do it.  

I don't speak up enough.  I am leaving that one there.

All and all it is about balance, something that I am not really good at.  I will get there.  I will either balance, or fall and fall. Love and Baby Dust!