Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Trying not to have meltdowns

I'm really trying to hold my meltdowns to a minimal.  

I have the tendency to overthink and consume myself in anxiety over many things.  But, this week has been a killer.  The Hubs is in New York, on a work trip.  So that leaves me with the critters and my work at home.  I don't really mind that he has to go.  But, sometimes I wish that he would just stay here.  Anyways.  I was okay most of yesterday.  Then I went on lunch and that was disaster.  With all the things that are going on in my life, I forget when I leave for lunch.  I only get 30 minutes, so this can become a real problem.  I try my hardest, but I know that I am coming back late.  No, one has said anything, but I know that it might be coming.  I think that I need to set a timer on my phone, but I can't even remember to do that sometimes.  I go home for lunch, it is only 2 minutes from my work, and it saves some money.  Plus I get to cuddle with the cat, who is pretty happy that I come home to see him.  Anyways, as I am making my short drive home, there are some cars that are pulled over on the side of the road, and this lady is frantic on her cell phone.  I look over and see a man slumped over on the ground.  It is hotter than hell outside, and all I could think is dear God, please let him not be dead.  I didn't stop, I just cried on the rest of my short drive.  My heart was racing.  Meltdown number one, complete.  

Today, I think that I am okay.  The dogs woke me up at 730, and so I took my time with getting breakfast and taking my shot.  I have to give it to myself because Hubs is away.  I did great Sunday, a minor freak out on Monday.  Today was AWFUL.  First I couldn't get the medicine out of the vial.  That should have been my first clue to get another syringe, but I went with it.  After getting the meds in the syringe, I couldn't get the cap back on my needle, which should have been my next clue.  But, I marched on.  I wanted to get it done and over with.  Poke one, the needle won't go in.  I tried to add some pressure, to see if it would go in my skin.  Nothing.  Move higher and I had to let out a little scream, that jab hurt so much and the needle won't go on.  I lay there for a moment, cover my face and with a little more determination, wipe my skin with the alcohol pad and go in for another poke.  The needle will not puncture my skin.  At this point, I'm hot mad, and starting to melt down.  So I go and put the meds back in the vial and make my way upstairs to get a new needle.  The meds go right in the new syringe, with ease I might add.  I lay down, wipe my belly, and poke again, needle goes right in.  And the tears flow.  I am lucky that I didn't get stuck with that needle somewhere else, because I put it down and just cried.  Luckily my shot buddy came upstairs with me and was laying on the bed, she covered my face with hers and we just laid there.  I love my boxer.  I miss my husband.  I cried for a good little bit, and then located my needle next to my arm, and went and put it away.  My belly now has some welts and what looks like track marks.  I assure you that I am not using any drugs.  I decided that I needed to lay low today and not do much.  

I have 3 more days that I have to give myself a shot.  Then I get a break, and the hubs is back home to give them to me for a little bit.  Then he will be back out again.  This part is a little rough on me.  I am no longer scared of the needles, I just can't seem to work the magic that he does and give myself a shot.  To all of you that are able to do that on your own, I think that you are awesome and brave and you keep on doing what your doing.  As for me I'm just going to have to struggle with it.  

So, I really hope that I don't have a melt down tomorrow, as I'll have to go to work and function like a normal person.  There is no lay low.  Also, can this take your breath away heat please go away.  I like all the seasons, and don't really complain.  But, I love my fall and want it to come.  So, with that I wish you love and baby dust.

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