Saturday, October 8, 2016

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I am not sure where I fall into this category.  October is Pregnancy and Infant loss month, as well as many other things.  So I don't think that I really fall into this.  Factually I have never been pregnant, only PUPO (it is what we in the IVF world call the 2 week wait from transfer to pregnancy test, PUPO stands for Pregnant until proven otherwise) I have had 2 of those.  So, I will not say that I am 1 in 4 because I have not lost a pregnancy, and I haven't lost a baby.  I have only lost an Embryo, 3 of them to be fact.  So, I am still the 1 and 8, and will spam you with that when Infertility month comes around.  (I guess that is a little PSA for you.)

We were trying very hard to hide the fact that we had a transfer.  But, I am honestly not a cryptic as I'd like to be.  I personally told a few people, and many of my family knew.  We had every hope and intent that this was going to be it.  That this would be our baby.  The stars were lining up.  It was fall (in face we transferred on the first day of fall) and test day was on the 3rd of October, and you know me you know my thing with 3's.  But, as luck would have it I began to doubt some VERY serious symptoms that I was having, and when it gets in my head, there is no turning back.  I was praying that it was all in my head, not the symptoms of course, but the fact I doubted my body.  But, luck was not on my side, and it was a BFN (Big Fat Negative).  This time with no explanation.  

Let me back up just a little bit from there.  On our first try the cards were not in our favor.  My body did not like the medication that I was put on at all.  The eggs that I made were small, and of low quality.  On our last test Dr. Bateman asked if we wanted to continue, or if we wanted to stop and try something else.  Hubs and I were so sure that this first time was going to be our only try and it was going to work, that we wanted to continue.  We should have stopped that day, paid another 10K and got the money back guarantee package.  Hindsight is 20/20.  That is what we should have done.  Those babies were not meant to be ours, but it doesn't mean the pain of losing them was any different than it was this week.

Because we were not offered any sort of explanation from the nurse who called and told us about the BFN, Hubs wanted me to make an appointment to talk to the Doctor.  Honestly it was the last thing that I wanted to do.  I didn't want to make another trip, for nothing, and really didn't want to talk to anyone.  But, sometimes as a spouse you do things for your husband that you don't want to do, and you make the appointment and you go and talk.  I'm glad that I did.  When I go down there for my general appointments I don't ask too much.  Usually I am in a hurry because I have to make the hour drive back and go to work, other times I am just so excited to see the growth of my eggs when we are going through that time that I just have too much on my mind to think about anything else.  So I am glad to talk to the doctor, when he isn't looking at my hooha.  (Side note, I was pissed that the receptionist would not allow me to see Dr. Bateman, she said that because Dr. Williams, who I had not seen since June did our initial consult, that they keep you with that person, and I had to see him.  Not a bad guy, just when you haven't seen him since June and it is now October, it kinda makes you scratch your head.)

When I went down there, I had in my mind that they were not interested in getting me pregnant, that I was just a random woman that they were going to take some money from, that this was not going to work and then I was going to just stop going down there.  After talking to Dr. Williams I felt differently.  You see some how some way we made a perfect Embryo, don't ask me how, but we did.  Embryos are graded 1 to 8, 1 is the worst, 8 is the best.  It is very unlikely to get an 8, and we made an 8.  We also made a 7.  So, then what is the reason that this didn't work.  I'll quote Dr. Williams, "You can't make the embryo stick, there is nothing physically or scientifically that can be done to make it stay, it has to do that on it's own, you did everything perfect."  My blood tests were great, everything was great.  My puppy just didn't want to stick.  Am I devastated? Yes.  Do I feel like I can come back from this?  Well that has yet to be determined.

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 The sting is still raw, and it is new.  

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