Look at that cute face. (and that isn't even my girl.) But, then I realize how far in we are, and I realize that if I give up now, I'll have so many regerts that they outweigh everything else. Yes, I put myself through this. No one is forcing me. I want a baby, and this is the option. When you believe that this is your point, that this is your purpose, then you keep doing what you have to do.
It is funny how this has become my story. This is my book of life. I think that I say that often. I wanted to change the world, and sometimes I feel like this is how I'm going to do it. Did you know that most insurances don't offer you any type of discount on fertility treatments? Did you also know that they will cover some things to find out why you can't have baby, but they will not help you make one? Did you also know that it is expensive to have a baby, some couples pay for birthing their children until they are 2 and 3 years old? If you have male issue fertility then there are some help out there for you. Most insurances will pay for surgery or anything else that your partner will need to create a child. I really thought that Obama was supposed to fix that for all of us? I mean shouldn't I have access to the health care that I want and need? I thought that was what it was? I also thought that I was supposed to be able to get a job that I wanted after completing college? It was what my generation has been told over and over again.
I know that this is ranting. I get it. I also get that you are sometimes tired of hearing me rant, but you keep reading my blog, so something is keeping you coming back, and thanks for that. All political things aside, we are just trying to keep working through this. We are close to the holidays, ugg the food one. I hate Thanksgiving, don't judge me. But, I am not one for food holidays. I am way too picky and really I could just spend time with family and be fine. I like Christmas for the gifts, I like to give. But, lately I have been awful at giving things. This is probably not the best time to find out that you are not pregnant. In fact it is the worst time. I remember when we were trying the natural way. I hadn't become vocal, and my period was late, it was no big deal. I really never had a time where it came when it was supposed to. But, we decided to test... around Christmas time. It was negative, I just cried. I also remember thanking, okay I have to act normal the rest of the day. And I really don't want to do Christmas right now. When these test come out negative, I just want to spend the day in bed. (I did that last Monday.) I ordered pizza, I drank a soda and I just layed on the couch under my covers. The protection of my covers is unlike anything else.
It is also hard to pick yourself up and get going with life again. I just remember that negative test around Christmas time. How I cried at home, and then just pretended to be normal all day. That is what I do. Some days I'm really good at it and some days I totally suck at it. When a customer comes into work, and I try and act happy, and then they do something stupid and I get all pissy, yeah I'm just trying to act normal. Normal, what even is that??? Well, I can't spend my entire day blogging, or bitching. I have things to do. But, I really want to spend my day in my pjs. So for now I wish you love and baby dust.
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