Well you know there is that...
I have not mastered that. I think that I tell myself 1000 times a day.. "Relax your eyebrows." But, I just cannot not make faces all day. People say that I always smile, I don't really think that is the case. You should see me at work when I am trying to type...
Anyways...
I have moved on in my stage of sadness. And am just mainly pretty disgruntle and angry. I used to cry when I got my period... like spend 10 minutes in the bathroom with a quick cry and then a quick try to fix my face. Now when AF (aunt flo, for those who don't know) comes I just get mad. Really, I shouldn't be getting mad any more. It isn't like this time around should be any different. It isn't like something magically has changed... but i really think that being mad is better than spending a long time in the bathroom being sad.
Firstly, I hate AF because that means that I am not pregnant. All the hope in the last 28 days that something changed and I will be pregnant changes in a matter of minutes. Secondly, my periods have NEVER been right. And yes I have been tested for PCOS (polytheistic ovarian syndrome, for those who may not have been paying attention), I don't have it. In the words of Dr. Bell (who I LOVE and adore and I really can't think some of my friends more for) "That is the quickest the dye has ever gone in and our of anyone, you are clear." There was one time where I could time them... that was when my old Dr. put me on Clomid, for a few cycles. Then my periods stayed normal for about a year or 2 after that, UNTIL I had IVF. The number of periods you go through during that time sucks. I was up to 2 a month. (This probably has something to do with my hair falling out, but my lovely IVF doctors who I DON'T like right now, don't think so.) And, now I am back to this funky funky cycle, where I have some spotting for a day, and then nothing for 2 days and then... well ya know. Thirdly, What woman needs a reason to hate AF?? Surly you all understand what I am saying.
So anyways, I have been a grump all day. I have not said anything mean to any clients but I have called them assholes and bitches when they are not there. I dropped almost everything that I touched today, and made several not so nice noises and such under my breath, and sometimes out loud. I made faces when people were getting on my nerves, I'm not sure if they were resting "bitch" face or if there were something else. But, I can barely get out of bed when I know that is time for AF (trust me when I say this... I didn't get out of bed today until the last possible minute, I could have laid there all day and I did try to close my eyes and go back to sleep). Sometimes I think that if I can just stay in bed, then I can keep AF at bay for a little bit longer and I can be pregnant. (It hasn't worked, I'm still not pregnant.)
I really don't talk about my IVF experience or how I am feeling about it much outside of my blog. Sure, Hubs and I talk about it some, but since I have given it up to God I don't really talk about it. I don't speak about it at work, and sometimes not with friends. If they ask I will, but sometimes I feel like I am a ticking time bomb, and I just don't wanna explode. Other times I feel like it is ALL that I talk about and people are tired of hearing it from me. Either way, I'm not sure. But, right now I am really feeling angry. I spent so much money, my AF changed AGAIN, I developed this skin thing, and my hair is falling out. I'm angry at all of this, I'm angry that there is a price tag on a family. I am angry at people who can just get pregnant. I am angry at people who aren't good to there kids. I'm PISSED. I think that I liked it a whole lot better when I was just sad. When I just cried. I'm not saying that I don't cry about it, if you were in my house yesterday morning as I was reading my bible study you would have seen me cry. But, it was so much easier to be sad about it, then it is to be mad about it.
(The last of my thoughts for today.) Thanks to Instagram I was reminded of my first Embabies the other day. I had not thought of them for a while. But, as I was scrolling though looking at other people's post I found myself stopped on one person's who said how old her baby was, and it just so happens that my babies would have been the same age. They would have been 5 months old this month. I just remember how much hope we had in them. I remember signing the papers at the IVF office for the first time and thinking that we would have a baby after the first try. I thought that it would be so easy. I think of who those babies would have been. What they would look like, what they would be into. I really torture myself with this. I'm not sure why I do with these and not the others. I'm not sure if it is because I have not hit their due date yet, or what. I just think about the first 2. I pray that I will make it out of this angry funk. I'm not sure how long I can be so nice. So, for now I leave you with much love and baby dust.
No comments:
Post a Comment