Happy Birthday to My Hubs!!
So, I rarely make a promise to myself because I tend to not keep them. But, I did try to make a really big deal and I had kept it until yesterday! I had just made a promise that when I met new people I wouldn't instantly tell them about my IVF problems. I kept it when we got a new staff member at our branch. I know that this doesn't seem like it is a super big deal. But, when your introductions has gone as follows, you get tired of it after a while, and just want to keep with simple ones... "Hi, I'm Crystal, I married, have four fur babies, have been trying for 5 years to have a baby, and just went through a year of IVF." I think that is a little much.
And yesterday that was about how it went. I worked at another branch. One of the girls asked me if I liked being a teller, I said that majority of the time yes. She asked how many hours a week I got, and I said that I was a 30 hour a week teller, but that when I worked at my old store I got 40 hours because we were always short staffed. She asked me why I had left... and like word vomit I said, because I have been trying to have a baby and I needed less hours. (Damn it) Then I had to explain why, and that was an entire conversation.
I am not ashamed of my experience. I don't think that I should hide it, I don't really hide it. But, I do want to feel like a normal person sometimes. I want to feel like I have no trouble having babies and that I am just waiting. But, that also brings up another topic. Why do we ask about people having children, why is this a normal thing? I am guilty of asking it, but I really try not to.
It is kind of like the normal flow of a conversation, "Are you married, do you have kids?" But, I got one yesterday that I wasn't really expecting, one of the ladies asked if I had my baby. I had to say no, she was really sad for me. Then, she said one day you will. I find it funny that people that barely know me, have more faith in this process than I do. And blind faith at that.
I guess that I shouldn't be as skeptical about it. But, I almost cannot help myself. As each month passes I feel like I am no where near to getting my baby. I feel like another round of IVF will end the same. I feel like it will not work, and then what state will my body and mind be in? I try daily to not believe in this, I try to just think positive. But, sometimes all the positive I have disappears and I just want to say, forget it, I'm done and over it. But, I keep trying.