Tuesday, March 21, 2017

I promised myself...

Happy Birthday to My Hubs!!  

So, I rarely make a promise to myself because I tend to not keep them.  But, I did try to make a really big deal and I had kept it until yesterday!  I had just made a promise that when I met new people I wouldn't instantly tell them about my IVF problems.  I kept it when we got a new staff member at our branch.  I know that this doesn't seem like it is a super big deal.  But, when your introductions has gone as follows, you get tired of it after a while, and just want to keep with simple ones...  "Hi, I'm Crystal, I married, have four fur babies, have been trying for 5 years to have a baby, and just went through a year of IVF."  I think that is a little much.

And yesterday that was about how it went. I worked at another branch.  One of the girls asked me if I liked being a teller, I said that majority of the time yes.  She asked how many hours a week I got, and I said that I was a 30 hour a week teller, but that when I worked at my old store I got 40 hours because we were always short staffed.  She asked me why I had left... and like word vomit I said, because I have been trying to have a baby and I needed less hours.  (Damn it)  Then I had to explain why, and that was an entire conversation.  

I am not ashamed of my experience.  I don't think that I should hide it, I don't really hide it.  But, I do want to feel like a normal person sometimes.  I want to feel like I have no trouble having babies and that I am just waiting.  But, that also brings up another topic.  Why do we ask about people having children, why is this a normal thing?  I am guilty of asking it, but I really try not to.  

It is kind of like the normal flow of a conversation, "Are you married, do you have kids?"  But, I got one yesterday that I wasn't really expecting, one of the ladies asked if I had my baby.  I had to say no, she was really sad for me.  Then, she said one day you will.  I find it funny that people that barely know me, have more faith in this process than I do.  And blind faith at that.  

I guess that I shouldn't be as skeptical about it.  But, I almost cannot help myself.  As each month passes I feel like I am no where near to getting my baby.  I feel like another round of IVF will end the same.  I feel like it will not work, and then what state will my body and mind be in?  I try daily to not believe in this, I try to just think positive.  But, sometimes all the positive I have disappears and I just want to say, forget it, I'm done and over it.  But, I keep trying.

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