Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Hazel Eyes

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I have been thinking, thinking, and EVEN more thinking.  And yet I feel like I have nothing to say.  Or maybe I have a lot to say.  IVF take 3 is taking it's time on me and it hasn't even begun.  The entire UVA/Martha Jefferson has me in such an up roar, that sometimes I cannot think straight.  I'm not sure how one place can just ignore you.  How, they don't send your records, and then bill you for something that your insurance covered and paid.  I will never get it.

I have been thinking about the point in all of this.  A period comes at the end of the sentence and it has to be time to end this part of it.  A lady that I follow on Instagram has come to the end of her IVF journey.  The cannot afford or emotionally afford to go on the journey any longer, my heart breaks for them.  I always wonder what that will look like for Mischa and Me.  It can look different, and I am not saying that we are at the end.  I just wonder.  Anyways..
I wonder sometimes what I am doing.  What is my purpose.  I think that sharing my story and awareness is one, but there has to be others.

I was talking to a friend about the "Infertility Club" as we have named it; we were talking about how different people have tired to connect with us over this.  How these people want to be a part of this club.  All I could say/ask.. Why do you want to be a part of this club?  Trust me, that answer should be NO!  This is not something that I WANT to bond with you over.  If we happen to share this, then okay, we can bond.  But, don't make shit up in order to talk to me and then try and bond.  I am not okay with this.  

I am not okay with being a made a fool.  I am not okay with people asking me things, because they think that something is wrong and that I will know.  I am not a doctor.  I can't tell you what is wrong.  And don't assume that because you have been trying that something is wrong.  I have been trying to make my baby for 5 years.  That is a long time.  I could have a 4 or 5 year old right now.  I have a 5 year old boxer, that I thought would grow up with my 2 legged child.  This is not the case.  I had to fight for all of this.  I had to find a doctor that would stop looking just at me, and I have had to pay and am still paying about 24k for all of this.  I didn't that I was made, but I guess that I am.  

In those 5 years I have learned a lot.  You will learn a lot.  You will do things that you NEVER thought possible.  You will do things that you NEVER thought possible.  You can find God or leave him.  You can become closer to your spouse or not ( I am closer to him, just in case you were curious.)  You will depend on strangers.  You will become friends with people, and then unfriend people.  You will do a lot.  


Trust me when I say that you DON'T want to be a part of this club, that you don't.  You don't want to explain to people that you are not a mom because your babies are in heaven (Disclaimer: I believe that about my Embryos, you don't have to.  That is just my choice.)  You don't want to tell people that you just meet that you got up this morning and made a trip to an IVF clinic, all before most people get out of bed.  When I say that you don't you don't.  You don't want you friends to feel sorry for you (but you are thankful, that they are and they pray for you.)  You don't want this.  You really don't want this.

So while my ball of nerves are working... Pray for me or whatever you send in happy thoughts do that too.  Cause I am a mess.  And the ball is at the top of the MT and I am about to get crushed.

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