kindness

Sometimes it is the little things the people do that make all the difference.  I never knew how much I would appreciate little acts of kindness until I went through this journey to my baby.  

Many people don't understand what it is like to open up facebook or any other form of social media and see something that brings you joy and pain all at the same time.  This is exactly what happens when I open up facebook or the like and see a baby announcement.  It is hardest when it comes from someone in my family.  Because, I think that they could tell me.  You don't have to call me.  A message or text will do.  But, they don't.  

I don't want to dwell on the above topic.  It is something that I feel like I could on about for days.  I could also talk about how family is really not there for you.  And how I am realizing that family is not about blood, it is about the people that you decide are a part of it.  I want to talk about something else other than being upset.

I have had some really kind people this year tell me that they are pregnant before I had to figure it out.  I cannot say how much that means to me.  It is probably the nicest thing that you can do for me.  I cannot thank you enough for thinking of me.  No matter how it is that you came to your baby, any step can be hard; I am rooting for you.  And I am in your corner!!!

Update:

As you know Mischa and I switched IVF clinics.  Not only because we believe that Martha Jefferson (MJ)/ UVA had no interest in us being pregnant, but because his new job covers IVF.  Even though this has me in a wreck; I am really happy about it.  I got to thinking... This place has fertility in the title.  MJ does not.  Sure is has "Reproductive" in the title, but they really didn't get to the bottom of why I can't reproduce.  

As I have said before when we met with the Dr she asked so many questions.  Ones that I didn't have many answers to.  I really thought that I knew all there was to this.  I found out that I really don't.  The protocols that MJ had me on where to suppress my system.  Which makes no sense unless I have a low egg reserve.  Which to my knowledge I don't.  But, I really don't know if MJ tested me for that.  I will find out when I go back to the new place and they go over all of our options.  But they are testing for everything.  They are recommending that Mischa have a Kerrotype test.  We were never asked to do this before.  Also once we make embryos they want to do testing on them as well.  It was suggested that MJ wanted to test our embryos, but he said that we made perfect ones so we should just go ahead that do another FET.  

I don't want to get into "Hot Topics" but all this testing sounds really great, if they can tell me why it didn't work.  Because I feel like such a fool sometimes.  I feel like when my OB said go to MJ or Shady Grove I should have picked Shady Grove.  But, I didn't.  I feel like I wasted a year.  A year that I could have had a baby.  Come this October if I would have done something different I could have a 1 year old.  This could all be over.  I could stop feeling so bad for myself.  But, I picked something else.  I regret it.

End of Update.

Kindness.

As I sit here in the quiet of my thoughts, I realize that I blinked and 2017 is almost over.  It has been pretty rough.  This journey has brought a lot of heartache and sadness.  It has brought a lot of things.  It is hard not to shut everyone out and try and protect myself.  Especially when you feel like people lie to you.  I feel like that a lot.  More often then I would like to say.  If you have a friend or family member that is going through this process I have some tips for you:
1. Be honest.  Don't say one thing because that is what you think that they want to here.  More times than not, it isn't what they want to hear.  They wanna here the truth, because when they find out the lie, then they think that you are lying about everything.
2. Be kind.  Any little act will do.  If we can be one of the first few to find out your are pregnant, that is the most kind thing you can do.  If we don't have to find out through social media even better.
3. Spend time with us.  We aren't freaks.  We aren't some weird science experiment.  And we don't talk about this 24/7.  Spending time with us helps us not think about what is going on all the time.
4. Check in.  Once in a while ask the person how they are doing.  I promise it is not always so heavy.  
5. NEVER EVER NO MATER WHAT begin a sentence with "We weren't even trying."  This is a nail in the coffin, seal the deal, I am never talking to you again sentence.  I know that this requires some thought.  But, I don't want to hear about how easy it was for you to get pregnant.  Because, lets face it, it is not easy for me.

There are many more things that I can say.  

But, that is for another time.