It is hard for me to get on here and update... Emilia has my hands and heart full. In fact as I type this I am sure that she will wake, and I will have to come back to it.
I wanted to write on some things that I have learned in the first 2 months of motherhood. And a few more things.
I was scared to have a c-section. When I learned that Emilia was breech and that she wasn't going to turn, and that my OB didn't want to turn her.. I was scared. I am here to tell you that it wasn't that bad. I would say that the worst part was the IV that I had to have, because they like to put it in the side of my wrist where the bone is. And holy shit that hurts. The pain after is not bad, just walk. Make sure you get up. If I would have been better with making the nurses giving me pain meds then I would have walked the entire unit.
Breast feeding is not all it's cracked up to be. I thought that my milk my not come in. My mom wasn't able to nurse me for long, and I didn't know if I would be able to. When Emilia was born and we did skin to skin she didn't not move towards my boob. I moved her down so that she was in between my boobs, she only cuddled and fell asleep. So, Mike and I just loved on her. When the lactation consultant came in, it was game on and not in a good way. When we finally got Emilia to latch she didn't suck. And then this lady pushed and mashed on my boobs and turned my baby all these ways. We spent hours trying. I was sore from the c-section, and I was sore from my boobs. After the lactation lady left for a peirod of time, I just cuddled my baby again. Then she came back and we were at it again. There was NOTHING coming from my boobs. I think at about 8 or 9 pm the colostrum finally came from one of my boobs. We were now on to the night nurse. All the nurses that day mashed and squeezed my boobs, I thought that it would NEVER end. Emilia had to have her blood sugar checked, because she was tiny. At about 12am, I asked the night nurse if we could give her a bottle. I just wanted to make sure that something was in my baby and her sugar kept going down. Pam (that was the night nurse and I will NEVER forget her), looked in the bassinet in our room for the formula and found out it had been taken. She asked if we had requested that, and Mike said no. We want to feed this baby. Pam went and got us some bottles, and for the first time our baby drank. I am pretty sure that I cried. And then I cried again when her blood sugar was checked and went up. If your babies blood sugar has to be checked I am warning you now that it is the worst thing to watch. And I am Thankful that Mike was there, because if he wasn't I think that I would have just cried the entire time. Also if Pam wasn't there the first night to take care of us, I think that we would have not made it. She is truly and angel. We tried so hard to breast feed Emilia. And when I say we I really mean WE. Because I would pump and Mike would give her that. In order to help her sucking one of the Peds recommended a Pacifier and was not opposed. It did help. When we went to visit the Ped, Dr. Jakeum he told us that because she was small we would need to put Emilia at the breast and then give her about an ounce of formula. We had to see another lactation consultant. She helped a lot. When we came back in a week, Emilia had not gained much, so then we had to give her high calorie formula along with breast milk. I was working and did work, but she go to so stopped up that after she gained enough weight I would just give her breast first, and then give her 2 ounces of formula. Then the trouble started... As babies grow they want more and as she grew my supply did not. I reached out to everyone, including our lactation lady at the Peds office. I took Fenugreek like it was my job. I drank water, I put her to my breast I pumped, and when I looked like I could finally give up formula, Emilia decided that nursing wasn't for her anymore. I would put her to the breast and she would suck for a little bit, and then cry. I would change sides and she would suck for a little and cry. We had a night, many of you know, that she was up from 11:30 am to 4:30 am the next day, and NOTHING made her happy. My boob made her the most mad. I gave her a bottle of breast milk and she spit it up. At 8pm I got her to sleep on me for about 45 mins, (I am guessing at this, because I was SO tired). Emilia then woke up I changed her cuddled her and tried to feed her at the breast again. She cried. I cried with her. I made her a formula bottle and she drank an ounce. Mike was on nights that day and so I just turned on music and sat on the couch with her waiting for him to come home. Emilia was up. After that I thought that when we finally go to sleep and she woke up that she would want to nurse. She did not. And then after all the fenugreek, my supply went down. I envy anyone who was able to put their baby to the breast and have them just suckle. At our 2 month visit, I told Dr. Jakeum what had been happening, but honestly I was scared to because I know that he is VERY pro breast feeding. To my surprise, he said that he was on board with stopping. We have not 100% stopped. But, we are getting close. I am sad, but at the same time like Dr. Jakeum said all the work that we have put in and with not getting more than an ounce, it is time to just cuddle and play with Emilia and feed her formula. She will be okay. I want to end this point by saying, I hate breast feeding, I don't like lactation consultants and I wish that my boobs were like cows and just flowed.
Many people say not to wake a sleeping baby... well that is not always the case. I had to set an alarm on my phone and wake Emilia every 3 hours. During the day and night. Emilia was a sleeper when she was born and really for the first month. She enjoyed sleeping. I was SO happy when I didn't have to wake her anymore. I love to watch her sleep and I LOVE to cuddle her while she is sleeping.
Babies make a LOT of laundry. Yes, my tiny baby who is still in newborn clothes makes a lot of laundry. I suggest if you are reading this and are getting ready to have a baby, to get a lot of sleepers. You will either like the zippers or snaps (I like the snaps cause her feet and bum can come out and go back in quick). Get a lot of them. ALL sizes, all materials. I also suggest baby towels. Regular towels do not work well on babies. You can't wrap them as well. And trust me that baby is going to be wet after a bath. They soak up water!!
So the suggested way of sleeping for babies is on their backs. And for the first month and a half Emilia was okay with this. Now, she wants to roll and she is really trying. But, she would rather sleep on her tummy. I HAVE NOT PUT HER THERE, just be clear. Except when she is laying on me. But, it is hard when your child wants to be sleeping one way and you can't let them sleep like that.
A final thought... many have asked about putting pictures of Emilia on social media. I wanted to address it. Early in my pregnancy, Mike and I had a conversation about sharing things on social media. I know that I have shared a bunch. But, we talked about the babies face being out there. How people are bullied on social media, criticized for the way they parent, and just people being mean. I have been on the front end of it, and I think that I may have done it. Mike and I also talked about people knowing what the baby looked like. We talked about how many of our friends and family have people on their social medias that we do not know. I brought up a point that children are stalked now on social media. And then those people know where to find a child. And so we decided that we were going to leave the baby off of social media. I know that we have done a couple of pictures, but we are trying to keep Emilia off there. I know that people are upset about it. But, that is what we feel. I am also trying to not share things as much as I used to. I know that I have shared my journey. It was long and hard. I still wake up ans stare at Emilia before she wakes, and Thank God for her. I still wake in the middle of the night and check to make sure that she is there. I enjoy the little smiles that she gives. The little "talks" we have. When I think that I have memorized all her features, she changes. I have not beat infertility. I only got the upper hand this time. My course of action doesn't work for everyone, but I hope that it gives hope to just one person. I want you to know that even though, I might not talk infertility anymore, but if you need me I am here. You can message me, you can text me. I will be here for you. Don't give up. Your family will come. It will be yours. No matter how. Adoption, 4 paws, your own child, anyway you choose it.
I will try to update every now and again. But, as I said my hands and heart are full with Emilia. So, I am slow to answer texts, emails, and messages. And I am slow to update. But, I am here, with Love and Baby Dust.
Wednesday, December 5, 2018
Friday, September 14, 2018
Lackluster
I have been bad a giving updates. I thought that I would blog throughout my entire pregnancy... But, we are less than 2 weeks away and I haven't done more than a handful of blogs. I am board on couch rest, and instead of Instagram, Facebook, and TV; which I am all VERY tired of already. I thought that I might try and put out something decent and maybe no offensive. Even though EVERY single time I do this now someone gets upset.
So let me try and update:
The week of the 27th of August, I wasn't feeling right. I don't know how to explain it, but I just thought that I needed to go and see my OB. I was going to go and see the regular doctor, but I know that they would have sent me to the OB's office anyways. So I woke up on Thursday of that week, and I called the office and they got me in. A sonogram and hooking up to an NST test... and my fluid levels are low. So, my OB is concerned because I am nearing the end of my pregnancy, and if I lose more fluid than I had, I could have cord compression and be in a world of hurt with the baby. He didn't want me to go back to work the next day, and I had to do some begging in order to go to my baby shower that Saturday. I was put on rest, but am a allowed to be up for about 2 hours a day. And I don't have to lay down. Which seems to be really working because when I went for my check this week, I have to go twice a week, I had more fluid. So, I really have been sitting on my butt, doing as little as possible, which is driving me crazy...
Right after I was put out of work and on couch-arrest, my nesting kicked in. I want to clean my house from top to bottom. I want to pick up, organize and put away. I'm not allowed to do any of that. Luckily, my mom came over and put together some freezer meals for me, some I could put in the crock pot and some the hub's cooks. And Mischa has been great. I mean he has been cleaning. And as long as I don't tell him that I am bossing him around, he will do more for me. I owe him big time.
Now I just feel like I don't have enough of anything for the baby. I feel like I need all this equipment and all these other things. But, really I probably don't need them, until she is here and we see what she likes and doesn't like. So, I am trying to stay off of online shopping. But, it is crazy tempting to buy everything at my finger tips.
Coming down to the end, I feel like it went quick, but I also feel like it went very slow. The first trimester was crazy. Not feeling good most of the time. And just trying to figure out what to eat and not be sick. The second trimester was weird. No more sickness, but lots of heart burn. And then some foods would make me throw up, and if I didn't eat by a decent time, then I was up all night with heart burn. Trying to stock up on different things for the baby, and get the house ready. Which, I don't think that my house will ever be 100% ready. And now this 3rd trimester, which is getting cut short by about 3 weeks. How do you slow down, when all you want to do is clean and not make messes?
I haven't hated being pregnant. It isn't that bad. But, it is in no way something I can say that I enjoy. Being pregnant during the summer is hot. I stayed inside for as much time as I could. I promised that I would not complain when I got pregnant. But, that is the only thing that I would complain about. I got heat rash twice. Something I have NEVER had. And I normally never say it is hot. But, I am pretty sure that I said that almost daily. I'd also like to go back to eating more normally and not skipping out on things like chicken wings, because they make me sick. Or eating spicy food, cause it makes me sick. I miss those things. I miss sushi too. But, it is all worth it.
One more thing...
I usually do pretty well on not telling people about this being and IVF baby. Once I got to a certain part of my pregnancy, I just didn't want to tell that story anymore. I have in no way beat infertility. I laugh when my OB asks me about what birth control I am going to use after the baby. And then, I forget that I actually have to think about it and answer him. But, twice in the last few weeks I have talked about it. It came out not meaning to. The first time was the nurse that gave me a shot. I don't even know how it came up.. other than she was talking about my shot. And she had given me the T-dapt shot before. Then, I couldn't stop. Even though in the back of my mind, I was saying stop, stop. The 2nd time were with the receptionists at the office. They asked if this was my first baby... and then Mischa said that I just kept volunteering more information. My plan is NOT to say anything about it at the hospital. I am not ashamed of it. But, I don't want to tell the story anymore. It is always going to be a part of me. It is a crippling fear that I have. It is always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It is a guard that I have put up, because it makes me feel better. The story of my life is nothing is ever normal. When I try to find that nice little quiet life, something makes an uproar. I have learned to walk through that fire, the burns are what is going to tell my story.
So let me try and update:
The week of the 27th of August, I wasn't feeling right. I don't know how to explain it, but I just thought that I needed to go and see my OB. I was going to go and see the regular doctor, but I know that they would have sent me to the OB's office anyways. So I woke up on Thursday of that week, and I called the office and they got me in. A sonogram and hooking up to an NST test... and my fluid levels are low. So, my OB is concerned because I am nearing the end of my pregnancy, and if I lose more fluid than I had, I could have cord compression and be in a world of hurt with the baby. He didn't want me to go back to work the next day, and I had to do some begging in order to go to my baby shower that Saturday. I was put on rest, but am a allowed to be up for about 2 hours a day. And I don't have to lay down. Which seems to be really working because when I went for my check this week, I have to go twice a week, I had more fluid. So, I really have been sitting on my butt, doing as little as possible, which is driving me crazy...
Right after I was put out of work and on couch-arrest, my nesting kicked in. I want to clean my house from top to bottom. I want to pick up, organize and put away. I'm not allowed to do any of that. Luckily, my mom came over and put together some freezer meals for me, some I could put in the crock pot and some the hub's cooks. And Mischa has been great. I mean he has been cleaning. And as long as I don't tell him that I am bossing him around, he will do more for me. I owe him big time.
Now I just feel like I don't have enough of anything for the baby. I feel like I need all this equipment and all these other things. But, really I probably don't need them, until she is here and we see what she likes and doesn't like. So, I am trying to stay off of online shopping. But, it is crazy tempting to buy everything at my finger tips.
Coming down to the end, I feel like it went quick, but I also feel like it went very slow. The first trimester was crazy. Not feeling good most of the time. And just trying to figure out what to eat and not be sick. The second trimester was weird. No more sickness, but lots of heart burn. And then some foods would make me throw up, and if I didn't eat by a decent time, then I was up all night with heart burn. Trying to stock up on different things for the baby, and get the house ready. Which, I don't think that my house will ever be 100% ready. And now this 3rd trimester, which is getting cut short by about 3 weeks. How do you slow down, when all you want to do is clean and not make messes?
I haven't hated being pregnant. It isn't that bad. But, it is in no way something I can say that I enjoy. Being pregnant during the summer is hot. I stayed inside for as much time as I could. I promised that I would not complain when I got pregnant. But, that is the only thing that I would complain about. I got heat rash twice. Something I have NEVER had. And I normally never say it is hot. But, I am pretty sure that I said that almost daily. I'd also like to go back to eating more normally and not skipping out on things like chicken wings, because they make me sick. Or eating spicy food, cause it makes me sick. I miss those things. I miss sushi too. But, it is all worth it.
One more thing...
I usually do pretty well on not telling people about this being and IVF baby. Once I got to a certain part of my pregnancy, I just didn't want to tell that story anymore. I have in no way beat infertility. I laugh when my OB asks me about what birth control I am going to use after the baby. And then, I forget that I actually have to think about it and answer him. But, twice in the last few weeks I have talked about it. It came out not meaning to. The first time was the nurse that gave me a shot. I don't even know how it came up.. other than she was talking about my shot. And she had given me the T-dapt shot before. Then, I couldn't stop. Even though in the back of my mind, I was saying stop, stop. The 2nd time were with the receptionists at the office. They asked if this was my first baby... and then Mischa said that I just kept volunteering more information. My plan is NOT to say anything about it at the hospital. I am not ashamed of it. But, I don't want to tell the story anymore. It is always going to be a part of me. It is a crippling fear that I have. It is always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It is a guard that I have put up, because it makes me feel better. The story of my life is nothing is ever normal. When I try to find that nice little quiet life, something makes an uproar. I have learned to walk through that fire, the burns are what is going to tell my story.
Tuesday, August 14, 2018
I have been more than a little quiet..
I am not sure where to begin. I have not been blogging because I tend to upset people. (Generally that seems to be ALL I have been doing EVERY time I open up my mouth. Go me!!)
This blog was supposed to make me feel better about things. For a long time that is just the purpose that it served. Suddenly, when I became pregnant things shifted and got messy. (I am doing okay, just in case that needed to be said.) I don't want to upset anyone today. I just wanted to write down some thoughts and some updates.
I have truly started looking pregnant. My belly has been getting rounder, but recently it looks pregnant. It's interesting and unique for me. I have been comparing my stomach to others. I know that I shouldn't do that, but it is hard not too.
I have a false sense of time. I am not sure if my brain is going to catch up on this one. This also happened when I was planning for my wedding. I think that the time from July to October is longer than it is. One reason is because we change a season (going into my favorite one.) And another is I just think that there are more days than there really are. I am pretty good at planning things. But, I am slow at it. Because I always think that there is more time.
I still wake up daily in shock that this all worked out. I still pray every night that every thing will be okay. And I still pray that this will happen for people who are still waiting. I know that I should be over this. I get it. I understand that EVERYONE wants me to be over this. I just can't. Infertility is this ugly beast. Which is really hard to explain to people. You try for something for so long, and you fail at it for so long that you start thinking that nothing is real. I strongly believe that when she is here, and when she is in my arms I will breathe and know that it is all real. I am really trying.
We haven't named this baby. We are trying. But, we cannot come up with something that has stuck. (No suggestions please.) And no we still aren't sharing if we FINALLY find a name for her. We also want to see her. We know that all babies are born looking like potatoes. But, she has to have a feature that we will see and think: "Okay she looks like this." Don't rush it, we have a couple days in the hospital where we will have to name her.
I would love sleep. I would love to not have to get up every night and pee. I know that this is normal. But, I LOVE sleep. I'd also really love if my dogs would stop waking me up at 8 am. I know that the baby will wake me up all the time. So, I guess I should just part ways with sleep. Nice to know you!
I want to buy everything baby and then some and then some more. But, I know that I can't do that. But, I have a pretty good collection of things going right now.
One last thing and please don't be upset over this one. (I am a germ-o-phobe, like I hate shaking hands cause I have no idea where your hand has been.) Mischa and I want people to come and visit baby in the hospital, we also want you to come to our house to visit as well (please don't overwhelm us.) But, please follow a few things. If you have any type of cold, or you have had any type of stomach bug/flu/what have you please wait to come see us for a little bit. Babies don't have built up immune systems, and we are going into flu season, we just don't want her to be sick. Please wash your hands. And if we ask you to wash them again, please just do it. The best thing would be to walk into our room say a quick "Hi" find a sink and give them a good wash. Please don't kiss her face. I love all of you. Mischa and I will take all the hugs and kisses that you would like to give her. There will be lots of time for you to kiss her later on. Lets just skip it till she gets some good germ fighters built up. Don't stay all day. I think that there are limits to how long you can visit, and I know that everyone wants to come. So that everyone can, don't plan on staying all day. Remember that the 3 of us will need some rest too. We have pets, (if you plan to come to the house) and this is going to be an adjustment for them too. While me love flowers and candy (Mischa will take a beer, I'd like unsweet tea by the gallon), and any kind of food you want to bring. Please, Please, Please don't bring balloons. We will have to leave them at the hospital. Or pop them at our house. Only one of our dogs is okay with them. Our 70 pound boxer and our already stressed out cat, hate balloons. We want this transition to be smooth for them too. So please, bring us other gifts, if that is the plan. No balloons. Again I don't want to offend anyone, but we want to make this as smooth as possible. We love all of you. You're support as been amazing. We are so happy this this time is finally here. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.
This blog was supposed to make me feel better about things. For a long time that is just the purpose that it served. Suddenly, when I became pregnant things shifted and got messy. (I am doing okay, just in case that needed to be said.) I don't want to upset anyone today. I just wanted to write down some thoughts and some updates.
I have truly started looking pregnant. My belly has been getting rounder, but recently it looks pregnant. It's interesting and unique for me. I have been comparing my stomach to others. I know that I shouldn't do that, but it is hard not too.
I have a false sense of time. I am not sure if my brain is going to catch up on this one. This also happened when I was planning for my wedding. I think that the time from July to October is longer than it is. One reason is because we change a season (going into my favorite one.) And another is I just think that there are more days than there really are. I am pretty good at planning things. But, I am slow at it. Because I always think that there is more time.
I still wake up daily in shock that this all worked out. I still pray every night that every thing will be okay. And I still pray that this will happen for people who are still waiting. I know that I should be over this. I get it. I understand that EVERYONE wants me to be over this. I just can't. Infertility is this ugly beast. Which is really hard to explain to people. You try for something for so long, and you fail at it for so long that you start thinking that nothing is real. I strongly believe that when she is here, and when she is in my arms I will breathe and know that it is all real. I am really trying.
We haven't named this baby. We are trying. But, we cannot come up with something that has stuck. (No suggestions please.) And no we still aren't sharing if we FINALLY find a name for her. We also want to see her. We know that all babies are born looking like potatoes. But, she has to have a feature that we will see and think: "Okay she looks like this." Don't rush it, we have a couple days in the hospital where we will have to name her.
I would love sleep. I would love to not have to get up every night and pee. I know that this is normal. But, I LOVE sleep. I'd also really love if my dogs would stop waking me up at 8 am. I know that the baby will wake me up all the time. So, I guess I should just part ways with sleep. Nice to know you!
I want to buy everything baby and then some and then some more. But, I know that I can't do that. But, I have a pretty good collection of things going right now.
One last thing and please don't be upset over this one. (I am a germ-o-phobe, like I hate shaking hands cause I have no idea where your hand has been.) Mischa and I want people to come and visit baby in the hospital, we also want you to come to our house to visit as well (please don't overwhelm us.) But, please follow a few things. If you have any type of cold, or you have had any type of stomach bug/flu/what have you please wait to come see us for a little bit. Babies don't have built up immune systems, and we are going into flu season, we just don't want her to be sick. Please wash your hands. And if we ask you to wash them again, please just do it. The best thing would be to walk into our room say a quick "Hi" find a sink and give them a good wash. Please don't kiss her face. I love all of you. Mischa and I will take all the hugs and kisses that you would like to give her. There will be lots of time for you to kiss her later on. Lets just skip it till she gets some good germ fighters built up. Don't stay all day. I think that there are limits to how long you can visit, and I know that everyone wants to come. So that everyone can, don't plan on staying all day. Remember that the 3 of us will need some rest too. We have pets, (if you plan to come to the house) and this is going to be an adjustment for them too. While me love flowers and candy (Mischa will take a beer, I'd like unsweet tea by the gallon), and any kind of food you want to bring. Please, Please, Please don't bring balloons. We will have to leave them at the hospital. Or pop them at our house. Only one of our dogs is okay with them. Our 70 pound boxer and our already stressed out cat, hate balloons. We want this transition to be smooth for them too. So please, bring us other gifts, if that is the plan. No balloons. Again I don't want to offend anyone, but we want to make this as smooth as possible. We love all of you. You're support as been amazing. We are so happy this this time is finally here. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.
Saturday, May 26, 2018
20 weeks...
Half way there!!!
There you go. I would really appreciate if no one would share this picture. I am kind of self conscious about photos of me right now. I am in this in between stage where I don't think that I look like I am pregnant. That I am just fat. So please just leave this photo right here.
This dress is really hot. I didn't know it until I did a little bit of shopping today and was steaming in it. Also I don't like Lularoe. Please don't be upset. But it is really not for me.
Anyways.. back to 20 weeks. The baby is the size of a banana it is not measured from the top of it's head to it's toes. I have begun to feel tiny flutters in my tummy here and there which I think is really cool. I have finally in the middle of no where gotten some of my appetite back. I still crave things that I shouldn't have, and have not given into them. I probably talk about the baby non stop now and drive everyone bonkers. We have begun to think of some names and look at books. But nothing is still standing out. I think that will get easier when we know if the baby is a boy or a girl. The swelling in my hands in no joke. my rings go stuck on my fingers, and it really hurt. So I had to run them under cold water to get them off. I will be wearing them on a chain for a little while.
I have been wearing a lot of dresses and skirts. I need to find some shirts that have more room, not really in the stomach but more in my boobs. If I can wear my dresses for the rest of the time, I won't need to buy very many clothes.
This might be the only photo that you get for a while. Once again please do not share it. It is bad enough that I am. Love and baby dust to all.
Tuesday, May 8, 2018
almost half way there...
Not to be picky, but my app says that baby is the size of a pomegranate.. I am not sure if pears are the same size.. But ya know.
This month I have been feeling pretty good. I am tired, so I tend to fall asleep at about 9 or 930. I can't sleep past 730/830 because I have to go pee and I have dogs and if I move they wanna go out. I try to lay in bed until 9, but I usually cannot stay comfortable for that long so I just get up. I crave ice cream (okay frozen yogurt, from sweet frog) and Tea (all the time). Neither one is going to add any weight, but I like them both and I am not going to give them up. (Unless My Dr. tells me to, then I guess I will be good and listen.)
I had an appointment last week (My 4th month or 16th week, whichever you count by), just a check up. I picked the afternoon (I'll never do that again, they messed up, and 3 ladies canceled their appointments while I was sitting there), I got there early as I often try to do. I like to wait for the doctors instead of them having to wait for me, I know that this might be backwards, but I like it. The receptionists, who is a very nice clueless lady, called me to up and asked if I would like to schedule my next appointment. Which was a little odd, because they normally do that after you are done. But okay. I said sure. I actually cannot wait for this appointment because we will actually get to see the baby. As we got to talking, I asked about some blood work that I was supposed to have done. I'm not sure if she was listening to me or not. She just kept shaking her head, so I went and sat back down, and texted Mischa to let him know about the next appointment. I got called back by the nurse, I really like my nurse she is funny and she likes to talk about just about anything. Sometimes we talk about my pee and sometimes we talk about nasty things. But, it makes me less nervous so I like it. I asked her if she was going to take my blood. She said "No" you aren't on the schedule today. Which was strange, because I was supposed to be. So, then Dr. Bell came in. Asked me how I was feeling, listen to the babies heart beat, which he said was good and strong. And then took me back to his office. Then he noticed that no one had taken my blood. So we went up to the nurses station, and my regular nurse said, "Oh she left for the day." Um... okay I am used to this from my first IVF place. They could never get anything straight, so I just laughed. Dr. Bell was not pleased. He said don't laugh, and he was sorry. I said if you knew what happened to me before Shady Grove you would laugh too. He said well you can come in this week for the test or wait till 20 weeks. I I had him put me on the schedule for 20 weeks, but told him that I would call and see if I could get it done last week.
So, I had the test done on Friday. (If you know what the test is for please do not leave that in the comments. I will DELETE it. It is just a common test that they do, and I didn't have to have it but we decided to have it.) When I went in there, they were not busy at all. I was talking with the nurse and I asked her how long this would take to come back and that I was excited to know the gender, but I wanted that part to remain a secret. This is when she stopped trying to take my blood. She said you aren't here for this that test. I said well that is what I thought, please take my blood. I said that I could have messed up. She said that they don't do that test because I am not 35, and I am not high risk. So really I made a trip for nothing. Because I would have not had that test, if I didn't want to know the gender. So I have to wait to find out.
My nerves are starting to get the better of me. Only because I haven't seen the baby since March. I should have done one of those outside Sonograms, just so I could see. But, now it is too late, and I will just have to wait. I am thankful that Dr. Bell has done everything to make me feel normal. We don't even talk about IVF anymore. I am not ashamed of this, but I am just trying to feel normal. IVF makes you feel less than normal. So anything to make you feel like a "normal" pregnant woman makes you feel awesome. Just the little things, can make you feel good.
Do you know how expensive Maternity Clothes are?? This is something that I really don't understand. I wouldn't pay that much and do not pay that much for my normal clothes. It is just crazy. I am thankful to be pregnant during the summer because I can just wear my dresses for now and call it a day. I am going to need some shirts that are bigger... if your boobs didn't grow when you are pregnant you are very lucky. I feel like the moment that we were pregnant they just started growing. Something that I don't want to keep, because they are just too big.
IVF is something that changes you a lot. And not because of all the needles and all the medications. You are more protective over things. You want to be more private over things. You also don't want to carry that badge anymore. I am thankful for IVF, because without it I wouldn't be here today. But, I don't want to carry that anymore. When I was going to the clinic I felt like everyone knew what I was doing. There was no privacy. (I mean I am sure that there was, but everyone knows what you are there for.) If you go down that path it will be the hardest thing that you ever do. It's a lot of guessing, and lot of failure, and more heartbreak than I can ever possibly tell you. But, the after is better than you can ever imagine. But, I have more recently wanted to become a hermit. Wanting to stay at home, wanting to not share everything with everyone. It's just different. It's a change.
Monday, April 23, 2018
it wont post
For someone who has a ton of say, I don't always say it in the best way. I am guilty of a lot of things, I am trying to take more action and ownership of them. "Baby" Steps.
And there went all my thoughts... crap.
Lets try again:
I am trying to move away from all things infertility. I am in no way not fertile (well I am but my situation as not been cured.) But, in a short period of time a lot of things have changed for me. A lot of opinions. But, some things have remained intact and very much the same.
One of those, getting a second opinion. On anything and everything. (Okay maybe not buy groceries or something like that...) Don't do what I did and keep going home expecting something to change. Don't look up remedies and solutions for something that you might not have. Find another opinion. Find it fast.
Ask lots of questions: I mean lots. Even if you think that they are dumb. Even if you have to write them down on sticky notes. Ask. At our first infertility clinic I never asked anything. No whys, now hows. Nothing. I did ask for a different protocol, but by then they were so used to me submissive that they didn't even take another look. Ask in all ways.. even if you are asking about your dogs leg.. if you think that something is not right ask.
Control: Okay so this is something that has changed and intensified. Because most of this process has been out of my control, I want to control everything. I don't feel like this is unnatural. I am also beginning to get annoyed when people are trying to change my mind about things. Let me have this one time to be in control. I have been dreaming and working at this for 6 years. Sometimes part of that control is not wanting help. If I don't ask for it, please stop trying to give it to me. I need this at this time.
Baby Name: I don't know how many times, and how many different ways I have to say this.. We are NOT sharing our babies name. (First we don't know yet what we are having, so stop asking that too!!) Many people have been offensive about this. They hurt my feelings. Don't say you don't like this name, or that you want this name for the baby.. its not happening. Once we know what gender the baby is (other than a Dragon!!) we will give it a nickname, and you are going to have to stick with that, until it's born and you hear the name. By then it will be on a piece of paper and there is no going back. So keep your opinions on this to yourself.
Putting me in uncomfortable situations is going to end badly for anyone involved. Listen, I am not really a confrontational person, I can sit behind a keyboard and harass people a bunch (it is something that I am NOT proud of!!), but if you push me, my "Fight or Flight" is pretty high right now and first I will fight and then I will flight. When I am trying to be quiet and just listen, I don't want to be berated over and over. I cannot control the response that I have. Saying anything negative about the baby, or telling me how I am supposed to feel will have a bad consequence, don't say that I didn't warn you.
I still don't like to talk about the baby. Sometimes I can and can really get on a roll. But, a lot of time I don't want to talk about it. I am nervous, scared, happy, sad, and everything (but mad) all rolled into one. It doesn't feel real. I can't describe it, but I will try. We made our baby in the most "Unique" way, that is becoming a lot more common. We knew that we were pregnant before a lot of couples ever find out that they are pregnant. We have more pictures of our baby than most people do during this time. But, some of the traditional things that couples get to do when they find out they are pregnant go robbed of us. It's not about who is on facebook (because for a while we were NEVER going to share that we were pregnant on their), its not about who talks to who. It is about the joy of getting to share the news, and because of that I don't feel as connected as most people do (YET!!).
Which brings me to my final thought, and this one has been bugging me for a VERY long time: Baby #2. Mischa and I don't know when or if Baby #2 will ever happen. (Honestly, it won't be an attempt until this baby is at least 2 years old. If then.) This baby will not come naturally, I will have to do everything all over again (even possibly another egg retrieval.) IVF has been hard on my body for the 3 years that we have been doing it. I have gone up and down on the scale, my hormones have been to the point I never thought that I would recover. It is hard on the mind, body, and soul. (I am not trying to be political ((that is not my game)) and I am not trying to throw a bunch of religion into the mix ((I pray a lot, but I am not as religious as I should be.)) I have always asked God for one baby. To just give us one baby. That Mischa and I would be happy with one baby. Honestly, I believe that when I stopped praying for particular traits for the baby, is when this all worked (I will be shocked if those are actually what happens. I might even laugh.) Anyways: back to baby #2.. I just don't know. And I want people to stop asking me. Or stop thinking about it. We have to do this first. Also, we are not going to tell anyone when we plan on baby #2, if we do that. It is going to be surprise to everyone. Too many people let slip before we wanted to, that we were pregnant. We are not going down that road again, its not fun.
Okay one more point: I think that people still feel that I have a lot of anger. Also, I think that a lot of people think that I am angry. I have stopped that now. I did have a lot of it. I did harbor a lot of it. But, I think I have softened. I am coming back down to normal (just don't put me on birth control again.) I can tell people that I am pregnant and I don't fear it. (Except I don't like to ask where the maternity section is.. for some reason I get shy.) I even enjoy searching for cool baby things. Slowly I am getting to the point where I am not getting mad a people for being able to become pregnant naturally. I find it easier to engage in normal conversations. I love gossip again and I love talking about peoples love lives (but don't go overboard... I don't need everything.) I feel like slowly "normal" Crystal is coming back. She has just been in hiding for about 3 years. Now, if I could rebuild my friendships, I would be all the way back. Slowly... "Baby" Steps.
And there went all my thoughts... crap.
Lets try again:
I am trying to move away from all things infertility. I am in no way not fertile (well I am but my situation as not been cured.) But, in a short period of time a lot of things have changed for me. A lot of opinions. But, some things have remained intact and very much the same.
One of those, getting a second opinion. On anything and everything. (Okay maybe not buy groceries or something like that...) Don't do what I did and keep going home expecting something to change. Don't look up remedies and solutions for something that you might not have. Find another opinion. Find it fast.
Ask lots of questions: I mean lots. Even if you think that they are dumb. Even if you have to write them down on sticky notes. Ask. At our first infertility clinic I never asked anything. No whys, now hows. Nothing. I did ask for a different protocol, but by then they were so used to me submissive that they didn't even take another look. Ask in all ways.. even if you are asking about your dogs leg.. if you think that something is not right ask.
Control: Okay so this is something that has changed and intensified. Because most of this process has been out of my control, I want to control everything. I don't feel like this is unnatural. I am also beginning to get annoyed when people are trying to change my mind about things. Let me have this one time to be in control. I have been dreaming and working at this for 6 years. Sometimes part of that control is not wanting help. If I don't ask for it, please stop trying to give it to me. I need this at this time.
Baby Name: I don't know how many times, and how many different ways I have to say this.. We are NOT sharing our babies name. (First we don't know yet what we are having, so stop asking that too!!) Many people have been offensive about this. They hurt my feelings. Don't say you don't like this name, or that you want this name for the baby.. its not happening. Once we know what gender the baby is (other than a Dragon!!) we will give it a nickname, and you are going to have to stick with that, until it's born and you hear the name. By then it will be on a piece of paper and there is no going back. So keep your opinions on this to yourself.
Putting me in uncomfortable situations is going to end badly for anyone involved. Listen, I am not really a confrontational person, I can sit behind a keyboard and harass people a bunch (it is something that I am NOT proud of!!), but if you push me, my "Fight or Flight" is pretty high right now and first I will fight and then I will flight. When I am trying to be quiet and just listen, I don't want to be berated over and over. I cannot control the response that I have. Saying anything negative about the baby, or telling me how I am supposed to feel will have a bad consequence, don't say that I didn't warn you.
I still don't like to talk about the baby. Sometimes I can and can really get on a roll. But, a lot of time I don't want to talk about it. I am nervous, scared, happy, sad, and everything (but mad) all rolled into one. It doesn't feel real. I can't describe it, but I will try. We made our baby in the most "Unique" way, that is becoming a lot more common. We knew that we were pregnant before a lot of couples ever find out that they are pregnant. We have more pictures of our baby than most people do during this time. But, some of the traditional things that couples get to do when they find out they are pregnant go robbed of us. It's not about who is on facebook (because for a while we were NEVER going to share that we were pregnant on their), its not about who talks to who. It is about the joy of getting to share the news, and because of that I don't feel as connected as most people do (YET!!).
Which brings me to my final thought, and this one has been bugging me for a VERY long time: Baby #2. Mischa and I don't know when or if Baby #2 will ever happen. (Honestly, it won't be an attempt until this baby is at least 2 years old. If then.) This baby will not come naturally, I will have to do everything all over again (even possibly another egg retrieval.) IVF has been hard on my body for the 3 years that we have been doing it. I have gone up and down on the scale, my hormones have been to the point I never thought that I would recover. It is hard on the mind, body, and soul. (I am not trying to be political ((that is not my game)) and I am not trying to throw a bunch of religion into the mix ((I pray a lot, but I am not as religious as I should be.)) I have always asked God for one baby. To just give us one baby. That Mischa and I would be happy with one baby. Honestly, I believe that when I stopped praying for particular traits for the baby, is when this all worked (I will be shocked if those are actually what happens. I might even laugh.) Anyways: back to baby #2.. I just don't know. And I want people to stop asking me. Or stop thinking about it. We have to do this first. Also, we are not going to tell anyone when we plan on baby #2, if we do that. It is going to be surprise to everyone. Too many people let slip before we wanted to, that we were pregnant. We are not going down that road again, its not fun.
Okay one more point: I think that people still feel that I have a lot of anger. Also, I think that a lot of people think that I am angry. I have stopped that now. I did have a lot of it. I did harbor a lot of it. But, I think I have softened. I am coming back down to normal (just don't put me on birth control again.) I can tell people that I am pregnant and I don't fear it. (Except I don't like to ask where the maternity section is.. for some reason I get shy.) I even enjoy searching for cool baby things. Slowly I am getting to the point where I am not getting mad a people for being able to become pregnant naturally. I find it easier to engage in normal conversations. I love gossip again and I love talking about peoples love lives (but don't go overboard... I don't need everything.) I feel like slowly "normal" Crystal is coming back. She has just been in hiding for about 3 years. Now, if I could rebuild my friendships, I would be all the way back. Slowly... "Baby" Steps.
Tuesday, April 10, 2018
Lots to Say
It seems that everyone has a lot to say about me being pregnant, everyone except me. And I am not talking about the advice that I am getting from friends, I am talking about the constant asking of what am I going to do about this, and what am I going to try to get a buy. To put it this way... I simply don't know. It's my first baby, and I am not sure what I am going to need or want. I also don't know what I am having, yet. So I don't want to make lists and request things just to do it. I want to plan. I want know that I am getting the right things.
I don't want to offend anyone. But, I really want to enjoy this. I feel like I should have that right being that I have been trying, praying, asking, begging, and all around giving up a lot for this. And by this I mean pregnancy. I feel like some people are just trying to take this away, or make it all about them. I am offended by it.
I have always wanted to be honest about all of this process. And now that I have gotten here, I feel like I need to be a hermit about things. Which is not fair at all.
Baby number one is just that baby number one. Mike and I are not thinking, talking, or even making plans for baby number 2. Please stop thinking about more children for us. We want to think about this one. And we want to enjoy this one. There is no time line for number two, other than it will be at the very least 2 years from the time that this one is born. My body has been through a lot in the last 2 to 3 years and it is beginning to go through a lot more. I need to recover. My butt still hurts from shots, I need a break. Please be respectful. Let us get to the end of this, before you decide that we need another.
Maternity Clothes:
This seems to be a big topic, for whatever reason. As of yet, I don't need them. But when I do, I have a lot to think about. First I have to find clothes that are appropriate for work. I don't just want anything. I want nice clothes. These will be my clothes. I will need them from probably June till October and then beyond. As picky as I am about my clothes now, I am going to be equally picky for these clothes. I don't really let people buy me clothes, so I am not going to tell people what I want or where I am going to get it because I want to pick it out. Lets stop with this topic.
Emotions, thoughts, and everything in between:
I have a lot of anxiety over pregnancy. I don't really feel like I am an anxious person! But, I believe that when you have gone through this process and it has taken you more than 4 months then you are going to have a little bit of anxiety. I have just become comfortable with saying that I am pregnant... it only took me 3 months. My girls at work, and a few friends have helped this along. I realized that I am going to blink and it is going to be October, and my baby will be here and Ill be able to drink a coke, eat raw sushi, and have a lunch meat sandwich (all of which I am really crazing, if I am being honest). But, for now I am living in this bliss that time has someone slowed down. I am not ready to do certain things, I am just not. I don't like to talk about the baby every time I open my mouth. I also don't want to talk about what I am eating, if I am eating, and if I am gaining weight. I have a lot to worry about, I am already heavier than I think that I should be going into this, thanks to IVF, so I don't want to gain too much. I just think this: Let me enjoy this pregnancy. Let me worry about all the things, and when the baby comes I am the mom. I am going to to be the one responsible, I can do it. If God, or whoever didn't think that I could, than I wouldn't be here. Lets let this rest for a while!!!!
I don't want to offend anyone. But, I really want to enjoy this. I feel like I should have that right being that I have been trying, praying, asking, begging, and all around giving up a lot for this. And by this I mean pregnancy. I feel like some people are just trying to take this away, or make it all about them. I am offended by it.
I have always wanted to be honest about all of this process. And now that I have gotten here, I feel like I need to be a hermit about things. Which is not fair at all.
Baby number one is just that baby number one. Mike and I are not thinking, talking, or even making plans for baby number 2. Please stop thinking about more children for us. We want to think about this one. And we want to enjoy this one. There is no time line for number two, other than it will be at the very least 2 years from the time that this one is born. My body has been through a lot in the last 2 to 3 years and it is beginning to go through a lot more. I need to recover. My butt still hurts from shots, I need a break. Please be respectful. Let us get to the end of this, before you decide that we need another.
Maternity Clothes:
This seems to be a big topic, for whatever reason. As of yet, I don't need them. But when I do, I have a lot to think about. First I have to find clothes that are appropriate for work. I don't just want anything. I want nice clothes. These will be my clothes. I will need them from probably June till October and then beyond. As picky as I am about my clothes now, I am going to be equally picky for these clothes. I don't really let people buy me clothes, so I am not going to tell people what I want or where I am going to get it because I want to pick it out. Lets stop with this topic.
Emotions, thoughts, and everything in between:
I have a lot of anxiety over pregnancy. I don't really feel like I am an anxious person! But, I believe that when you have gone through this process and it has taken you more than 4 months then you are going to have a little bit of anxiety. I have just become comfortable with saying that I am pregnant... it only took me 3 months. My girls at work, and a few friends have helped this along. I realized that I am going to blink and it is going to be October, and my baby will be here and Ill be able to drink a coke, eat raw sushi, and have a lunch meat sandwich (all of which I am really crazing, if I am being honest). But, for now I am living in this bliss that time has someone slowed down. I am not ready to do certain things, I am just not. I don't like to talk about the baby every time I open my mouth. I also don't want to talk about what I am eating, if I am eating, and if I am gaining weight. I have a lot to worry about, I am already heavier than I think that I should be going into this, thanks to IVF, so I don't want to gain too much. I just think this: Let me enjoy this pregnancy. Let me worry about all the things, and when the baby comes I am the mom. I am going to to be the one responsible, I can do it. If God, or whoever didn't think that I could, than I wouldn't be here. Lets let this rest for a while!!!!
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