Smile

"Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile"  -Nat King Cole

Yesterday was church night.  I am usually very focused on the lesson.  Last night was not the case (and now I'm not sure if I can focus on this blog).  I have reached a point, which I think was a long time coming, where I think that this will not work out.  All of the optimism has been sucked out of me and I cannot muster up any.  Hubs keeps telling me that we have come so far, but I don't feel like we have even moved forward.  My heart is breaking.  And because of it, I cannot focus on anything more than 5 minutes.

On Sunday I had a panic attack (don't freak out here, people have them it is not a bad thing) I was in the bath room changing my clothes, walked to my closet to pick out my clothes and fell on the floor bawling.  There was only my dogs to my rescue.  I sat there for a good 30 minutes.  I couldn't stop.  I had to talk myself out of it.  Tell myself to get up, keep moving.  I tell myself that a lot.  Sometimes I have to tell myself that to get out of bed, keep moving keep going.  Sometimes it works, and sometimes I spend the entire in my jammies on my couch.  

Back to church.  I honestly have no idea much of what was said.  I cannot focus.  What I was focused on was my anger.  Because, if I focus on how mad I am then I can pretty much get through things.  I won't cry, and for a little bit I can either be quiet or I can act normal, even though I don't know what normal is these days.  I focus on how I can't believe that things are happening like this.  I try to put the blame on me, apically if I'm in church, I don't want to blame it on God.  Sometimes, I act out after I'm angry.  That is when I'm most ashamed of myself.  I am trying my level best to be an adult.  And it just doesn't work out.  Damnit.  

I'm thinking about going to a counselor.  I have been toying with the idea for while, I never really liked it.  But, I don't know that I will get better with it if I don't.  I don't know if I will be able to do life if I don't.  I don't know if I'll feel better if I do.  I just wish that I could figure it out.  

I also keep having these horrible dreams.  I pretty much cannot sleep after I wake up from one.  My sleep is really important to me, so when I have nights like those, I really should just learn to get up and do something else other than lay there and toss and turn.

I know that a lot of people don't want to ask me about my IVF, it is a loaded question, and trust me I really don't want to answer, but I think that everyone is wondering.  I don't think that I have an answer that isn't a tail spin.  The simple thing is, it didn't work.  The other answer is no one knows why.  How I feel about it?  I'm pissed and I'm hurt and I don't understand.  When you just want to be a mom you have to try and figure stuff out, and you have to figure this out... without help!!!  Enough.  Smile, even though your heart is breaking....