"Let love be without dissimulation. Abhor that which is evil; cleave to that which is good." Romans 12:9
(Disclaimer that is not my baby, but still just as cute.)
Sometimes when I read the bible I am much like the above photo. I'm not sure what is going on. I am hopeful that in time it will hit me like a load of bricks and I will get it. But, that is not the case.
So, let me try with the first half of that verse from Romans: "Love without dissimulation." I think that means to love with out reservation. Let me first say, that is not me AT ALL. Along time ago in this place that I like to call high school, that was me. Then my heart got broken a couple of times and I stopped all of that. I have struggled to get back to that. I struggle a lot. But, I am not shy about trying to point out my flaws and trying to understand what they are.
I am trying hard to be the good in which I want to see. However, a lot of people think that I am mad when sometimes I either need a break or I need some time to myself. I don't often ask for time to myself. In fact, I really don't like to be by myself. But, with all the infertility struggles that I have had, I have learned that sometimes I need to just do it. I have to take a time out, it doesn't mean that I am mad or that I don't love or like you. I just need some time.
"Abhor that which is evil:" here I am lost. So, if you google the word "abhor" it means: regard with disgust and hatred. I could go a lot of places with that. I should hate evil. I should be disgusted by evil. I am not. I let evil dwell in the depths of my heart and fester like a boil. I don't let it go. I also don't forgive. Which, I was watching something the other day, and it hit me like bricks... the person said "forgiving is not letting go with what someone has done, forgiving is having peace with yourself." Well, there you have it. I have no peace with myself. I cannot find that peace part of it.
I have been on what I call and IVF break. I am not at peace with it, I am keeping it all in. So much to the point where I cannot talk about it. I went to the dermatologist yesterday. Did you know that your skin issues could be your bodies way of processing stress? I didn't know this until yesterday. My body doesn't show stress, when I am stressed I just don't let it go (okay sometimes I do have a crying panic fit, where I can't stop crying, however I haven't had any of those in a while...I should probably allow myself to have one, so that maybe my skin would clear up??), so my skin has decided to show it. But, I really don't feel stressed. I just feel that I am in this hard spot that I cannot express how I feel because I really don't know how I feel.
One thing that I do feel is that my body is broken. Because, I haven't gotten pregnant I feel like I will NEVER become pregnant. Today is my dad's birthday, and he said I'm just waiting to be a grandpa. (I know dad, I'm working on it.) I feel broken because I can't just get pregnant. It's crazy I know. I also know some things that I CAN'T handle. I know that I just can't do it. One of them is when a woman says that she is pregnant. I about lose my shit every time. I think, why not me. When is my time. Why isn't any of this working.
I also feel broken in my career. I feel like it isn't enough. I am not doing what I am supposed to be doing. In blogs before I have said that as far back as I can remember I remember wanting to be a teacher. But, the cards were not dealt like that. As much as I tried for them to be, I just couldn't make it work. One stupid "d" kept me from getting there, and I gave up WAY too easy. So, now at 31 I am going to go back to school, but not to be a teacher, to me a school guidance counselor. I have not choice this time but, to make it. When hubs went back to school I put stipulations on him, and he has in turn put them on me. So, we will see how this goes.
I also feel broken in my health and fitness. I need to get a handle on this. No, the gym is not the most ideal place, and I feel intimidated and scared, however I'm going to do it. The diet is going well. I have this. No carbs no dairy, foods from nature. I just have to get the fitness.
I am sorry that I was long winded. I guess that when I don't have much to say, I have a ton to say. Love and baby dust.