"When I am afraid, I will trust in you."
There are not very many things that make me stop in my tracks. I wouldn't say that I was shocked, I was just motionless. At work we have to go through each other's work to check for accuracy. I was going along, and there on a check was the above verse. I stopped, like dead stop. Someone was telling me something. I am sure that I have seen this check before, and more than likely have not paid any attention to it. Today, was not the case.
I have been doing a LOT of praying. I changed the way that I pray. I used to ask a lot of go, a lot of questions, and lots of requests that I wanted instant gratification for. Now, I have been asking for him to help me through it. Help me weather the storm, show me how. I think that this is my message.
You see I am afraid. I am afraid that I will never be a mom. 2017 is the year of the baby, it seems like everyone is pregnant, everyone but me. You look anywhere and someone is pregnant. I want it to be me too. I want to join. My fear is that I won't. I have been trusting. I told God that I was giving it up to him, that if I was not supposed to me a mom (even though I fear it) that I would trust in him that he would bless me in other ways, and that I would be happy with that.
So when the above quote came, when I had given in to my fear and let it all go, that I just stood there puzzled. I had not seen that verse before. I am not a Bible study type of person. (If you have read a previous post you know that sometimes I just don't understand them, so that is why I just don't read the Bible.)
Somewhere before, someone had said that God does not give you what you want when you want it, he gives you what he wants when you don't expect it; you have to wait. Waiting I am not good for. I am waiting for my miracle to happen.
I also gave into my fear of failing and I applied for my master's program. I am really nervous about this. This is one of those things, that if I fail I am done. There is no keeping going. I have to keep a good GPA or I'm out. Not sure how I am going to do this and work too. But, I prayed and I said that I have to learn to do this. I need to eventually get back into a school and be with kids. That is my passion and that is what I have to do.
So that I all of what I am doing. I am trusting. I am praying and I am going to try to work hard at all of this. So for now... much love and baby dust.