You would think by now that we would all understand that EVERYONE has different viewpoints and opinions. That we all don't fit in tiny boxes and form to each other. However, looking at facebook, the news, or any place that you can get some information, clearly we have not learned this. Not even a little bit. How is it that we can't figure this out?
I have stated this many times, I'm pretty conservative, AKA I'm a republican. I'm not always vocal about it. I don't put it out there all the time. But, I do lean different ways on different issues. I don't always agree with what MOST republicans are agreeing on. This is not what this is about, but I wanted to put it out there.
I think that it is so stupid that we are all up in arms about a coffee company with a stupid cup. It's kindof like that Hobby Lobby/ Chick-fil-a thing. I mean really? This is what we are going to get upset about?? It's a cup for goodness sake. A cup. Now if you really want to think about it, doesn't the Candy Cane signify the blood of Christ? So, why can't the red cup? Or even better, who cares it's just a cup. Oh and having a Christmas picture of a cup DOES NOT make it Christian. New Flash, Santa is not the Christian symbol of Christmas.
And I want to go on about Santa. Can't we just let a man in a big fat red suit be the magic of Christmas for kids? I mean we can teach them about other things, but can't we just let that be something? Kids grow up WAY too fast. They are not little for very long. They don't believe in things for long. Please let them be little for as long as possible. Why is it such a crime to let a child grow slow? I'm just not understanding that. Yeah, I don't understand a lot of things.
Getting back to the red cup, if you don't like it don't buy your coffee there. There are other places that sell coffee now, you don't have to go to Starbucks to get your fix. Just like you don't have to go to Chick-fil-a to get your chicken fix. There are many choices. Choose something else. Don't make a big deal over a cup. Let's make a big deal about more important things, getting our troops home, helping homeless people, or letting our kids be little for as long as that is possible. Stop all this madness over a cup. Enjoy the holiday's celebrate how you want to. And take a break from this madness of getting upset over every little thing. We are going to end up being the generation that dies of Heart Attacks because we don't know how to let anything go. Stop it, move on!!
Wednesday, November 11, 2015
Thursday, October 29, 2015
Happy Anniversary and thoughts on the day...
4 Years Ago:
This Happened. (To be fair I forgot about this picture. I do really like this one. Guess I need to get to work on getting this one up, somewhere and framed!!)
What a ride it has been for 4 years. And there are days that I feel like this day just happened. I'm ready for whatever is next.
So Today, I set out to get somethings accomplished in the baby department. I have been doing some research trying to find a good place to go. I finally decided on the one that I was going to go to. And wouldn't you know when I called and they (she, whoever) answered the phone....I was highly disappointed. (Shocker! Not!!!) I really thought that when you called any Doctor's office, specialist or no, that when they answer they are supposed to be confirming the place you called?? That was red flag number one. I also thought that they were supposed to ask how the could help you?? Red Flag number two. And if those weren't enough the lady asked me for my number and said that the lines were too busy and that she was going to call me back, after I had explained myself 3 times. Red flag number three, and me being done. Yeah she called me back. But I did not answer. I did the best thing I could think of. I called my OB's office and asked from them to recommend someone for me. I'm not playing games.
To much of my dismay, I'm really more nervous about this than I have been about most of this journey. There is so much that I can't answer. So much that I can't control (and if you know me, I really like to be in control of things that I can actually control, so then I become an anxious wreck, Yay go me!!!). I have been waiting to make this call. Trying to buy some time. I have been looking for places that looked: clean, had good reviews, and the Dr's picture looked okay (aka not a creeper). And while all that might not matter to anyone else, they matter to me. BECAUSE: I can control some of them.
In this next phase, for me there is too much what if. The biggest what if: What if there is nothing that can be done, where do I go after that. What do I do after that??
The next one: How much debt am I going to go in? What if this doesn't work, the first time? Statistically, logically... look at all that stuff.... the very first time doesn't work. That is not an odd or number that I like to play with. I want the "odds to be ever in your favor." So how much money am I willing to spend before I say enough is enough?
Moving on: How much pain is this going to be? Am I going to have to lay in bed for days? (I am willing too.) Is this going to hurt as much as childbirth? No one can answer that because everyone's pain tolerance is different. (Sign me up right there.)
AND I know that everyone is going to be just do it. Move this along. Not your body. Not your mind. My grandma asked me; "What if there is no baby after all of this. What if they tell you that you won't have one, what are you going to do. You will be out of money and no baby." I laughed and told her half joking, "I'll get another boxer." It is the safest answer that I know. She laughed, and I know that she didn't like it. So then she asked me what I wanted for Christmas, and I told her a gift card for clothes and a baby. Granny then told me that she wasn't putting up a tree then, because there wouldn't be anything for me to open. And I said that Christmas wasn't always about me. And she explained that she couldn't give me a baby. So I asked what she wanted and she said a baby. (Gee Thanks!!) It's what everyone wants and I can't deliver. I am trying. I really am trying.
So as this next phase begins to unfold, please say a prayer for me. I am not as brave as I seem. I'm not as fierce as I come across. I am a nervous wreck, and I just want a simple answer that will please me and everyone else.
This Happened. (To be fair I forgot about this picture. I do really like this one. Guess I need to get to work on getting this one up, somewhere and framed!!)
What a ride it has been for 4 years. And there are days that I feel like this day just happened. I'm ready for whatever is next.
So Today, I set out to get somethings accomplished in the baby department. I have been doing some research trying to find a good place to go. I finally decided on the one that I was going to go to. And wouldn't you know when I called and they (she, whoever) answered the phone....I was highly disappointed. (Shocker! Not!!!) I really thought that when you called any Doctor's office, specialist or no, that when they answer they are supposed to be confirming the place you called?? That was red flag number one. I also thought that they were supposed to ask how the could help you?? Red Flag number two. And if those weren't enough the lady asked me for my number and said that the lines were too busy and that she was going to call me back, after I had explained myself 3 times. Red flag number three, and me being done. Yeah she called me back. But I did not answer. I did the best thing I could think of. I called my OB's office and asked from them to recommend someone for me. I'm not playing games.
To much of my dismay, I'm really more nervous about this than I have been about most of this journey. There is so much that I can't answer. So much that I can't control (and if you know me, I really like to be in control of things that I can actually control, so then I become an anxious wreck, Yay go me!!!). I have been waiting to make this call. Trying to buy some time. I have been looking for places that looked: clean, had good reviews, and the Dr's picture looked okay (aka not a creeper). And while all that might not matter to anyone else, they matter to me. BECAUSE: I can control some of them.
In this next phase, for me there is too much what if. The biggest what if: What if there is nothing that can be done, where do I go after that. What do I do after that??
The next one: How much debt am I going to go in? What if this doesn't work, the first time? Statistically, logically... look at all that stuff.... the very first time doesn't work. That is not an odd or number that I like to play with. I want the "odds to be ever in your favor." So how much money am I willing to spend before I say enough is enough?
Moving on: How much pain is this going to be? Am I going to have to lay in bed for days? (I am willing too.) Is this going to hurt as much as childbirth? No one can answer that because everyone's pain tolerance is different. (Sign me up right there.)
AND I know that everyone is going to be just do it. Move this along. Not your body. Not your mind. My grandma asked me; "What if there is no baby after all of this. What if they tell you that you won't have one, what are you going to do. You will be out of money and no baby." I laughed and told her half joking, "I'll get another boxer." It is the safest answer that I know. She laughed, and I know that she didn't like it. So then she asked me what I wanted for Christmas, and I told her a gift card for clothes and a baby. Granny then told me that she wasn't putting up a tree then, because there wouldn't be anything for me to open. And I said that Christmas wasn't always about me. And she explained that she couldn't give me a baby. So I asked what she wanted and she said a baby. (Gee Thanks!!) It's what everyone wants and I can't deliver. I am trying. I really am trying.
So as this next phase begins to unfold, please say a prayer for me. I am not as brave as I seem. I'm not as fierce as I come across. I am a nervous wreck, and I just want a simple answer that will please me and everyone else.
Tuesday, October 13, 2015
The Great Pink Debate (On National no bra day!!)
I have heard a ton of things about wearing pink in honor of Breast Cancer Awareness. Some of them are just people talking and some are advocating, others are the political side of the coin. And I know that we all have opinions and thoughts about this.
Fact: ALL women have breasts!
However you see this, weather you believe that God created us all, or we are a product of the big bang... all women have them. We cannot deny that they are there. Look around, the lady next to, your friend at work. Boobies are real, they are not something that men made up to play with and sexualize.
Fact: Men can get breast cancer too.
The man you love and adore, your dad, grandpa, uncle... the neighbor that shovels you out of the snow storm. They can all get breast cancer. This is not a women's disease.
Fact: Wearing pink is only promoting/reminding women and men to get a breast exam and perform self checks.
Unless you are buying your pink from Susan G. Komen, or some other organization, you are not sponsoring anyone when you wear pink. When I was in college people thought that I was crazy when I had a breast cancer awareness program and then I made a board with steps to breast health. I'm not crazy. I had my residents in on this, they were thinking about this. People in their 20's are impressionable, and if you can get them thinking, they will roll with it. I'll be the one to paste boobies anywhere to get people's attention about breast health.
Fact: Our numbers are down.
According to the American Cancer Society, Breast cancer is no longer the leading cause of deaths in women. And why do you think that is???
Because we are reminded of breast health. We take month and hit it hard. We don't listen to people who tell us not to wear pink or that we are attacking this political thing or that. Breast health should not be political, it should not be something that you are for or against.
Everyone has something that they are passionate about. A cause, a view, a political viewpoint, something. Be let your voice be heard. Don't stop! And get ya boobies checked!!!
Fact: ALL women have breasts!
However you see this, weather you believe that God created us all, or we are a product of the big bang... all women have them. We cannot deny that they are there. Look around, the lady next to, your friend at work. Boobies are real, they are not something that men made up to play with and sexualize.
Fact: Men can get breast cancer too.
The man you love and adore, your dad, grandpa, uncle... the neighbor that shovels you out of the snow storm. They can all get breast cancer. This is not a women's disease.
Fact: Wearing pink is only promoting/reminding women and men to get a breast exam and perform self checks.
Unless you are buying your pink from Susan G. Komen, or some other organization, you are not sponsoring anyone when you wear pink. When I was in college people thought that I was crazy when I had a breast cancer awareness program and then I made a board with steps to breast health. I'm not crazy. I had my residents in on this, they were thinking about this. People in their 20's are impressionable, and if you can get them thinking, they will roll with it. I'll be the one to paste boobies anywhere to get people's attention about breast health.
Fact: Our numbers are down.
According to the American Cancer Society, Breast cancer is no longer the leading cause of deaths in women. And why do you think that is???
Because we are reminded of breast health. We take month and hit it hard. We don't listen to people who tell us not to wear pink or that we are attacking this political thing or that. Breast health should not be political, it should not be something that you are for or against.
Everyone has something that they are passionate about. A cause, a view, a political viewpoint, something. Be let your voice be heard. Don't stop! And get ya boobies checked!!!
Saturday, September 26, 2015
Grudges cause wrinkles
As defined....
grudge
ɡrəj/
noun
- 1.a persistent feeling of ill will or resentment resulting from a past insult or injury.
truth
tro͞oTH/
noun
- the quality or state of being true.
for·give
fərˈɡiv/
verb
- stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake.
for·get
fərˈɡet/
verb
- fail to remember.
John 8:31-32English Standard Version (ESV)
The Truth Will Set You Free
31 So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed him, “If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, 32 and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
English Standard Version (ESV)
The Holy Bible, English Standard Version Copyright © 2001 by Crossway Bibles, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers.
I have been thinking about this a lot. I always ask for forgiveness. However, I can never seem to forgive. I hold a grudge. And because of that grudge... I cannot forget. I am not proud of any of these. There is nothing to be proud of. If you believe in karma this could be the way that it gets me. My feelings easily get hurt. There isn't much that it takes. I am not made of steel, but honestly this is not what it is about.
I don't know how to forgive. To truly let to go. I think that I am in a place where it doesn't bother me, and then I am right back in that place. And more than that I remember things. I can play them back in my mind. I don't usually remember what is said, but I remember the situation. I remember what it was about. I want to let it go. It is so frustrating and trying to go over it in my mind. Wouldn't you like to just forget???
Without a doubt I would like to forget. But not only that, I want to forgive. I don't have much meat to this blog. There isn't much to say. There isn't a way to make it better. This is something that I have to learn to do myself. This is something that I have been working on for most of my life. I have let friendships go because I am unable to forgive. I have to try and not do that as a 30 year old. We all have things that we want to work on. If they are self growth or growth in other ways. We have to know that we are allowed to grow and evolve during our entire lifetime. We don't have to settle. We NEVER have to settle. We should leave to grow, we should learn to think, we should learn to change.
Remember:
Gonna hold who needs holdin'
Mend what needs mendin'
Walk what needs walkin'
Though it means an extra mile
Mend what needs mendin'
Walk what needs walkin'
Though it means an extra mile
Pray what needs prayin'
Say what needs sayin'
'Cause we're only here
For a little while
Say what needs sayin'
'Cause we're only here
For a little while
Wednesday, September 23, 2015
Happy Fall, Y'all!!!
It's my favorite time of the year!! Literally, I am busting at the seams, it's time to turn off the AC, turn on the fans and open the windows. Oh and all the halloween stuff, haunted houses, pumpkins, horror films... Okay you get it. Did I mention pumpkins????
I seem to always have a lot of guilt and self doubt when I am writing my blogs. Sometimes I feel like I share too much, and other times I feel like I am just a rambling women that goes on and on about the same thing, just a little bit different each time. Whatever the reason, sometimes I have a hard time sitting here writing. I don't often go back and read any of what I write. Sometimes I do, but I feel like it is enough for it to just sit in my head, that I don't need to go back and read it again and again.
I am writing this middle of the road blog post, as this month officially marks the 2 years of trying to have a baby. It was this time 2 years ago (okay I don't know a specific day, just a month, work with me here!!!), that we decided that we were going to try and have a baby. And now I have become a woman on a mission. I am one person, but I feel like a lot can change with one person. I am still trying to figure out the best way for us to become more that fur-parents. But, I have added another mission to my cause. I want women to self advocate for themselves. Do not sit blindly like I did and let someone tell you that you are young and to go home and keep trying. It will be so heart breaking. Do not defeat yourself and then let doctors tell you that there is something wrong. Get a 2nd opinion. ALWAYS. If within 6 months to a year you are not seeing a change, a result, a pregnancy, whatever it is you are trying for do not stay with that doctor. For lack of a better word, they are dicking you around. And you need to not let it happen.
In America we believe many different things, there are many religions, or lack thereof. There are many ideals, they are many things. However, I believe that we are women centered. One of my Indian friends, (not the Native American type, the true Indian from India, and before you get bent out of shape, I am Native American, and I am not being any type of hateful!!) talked with me about how in her country the are mother centered. The praise the women, she is of the highest honor, she rules the roost, (this might not be everywhere there, but she was talking about herself). Mother is the one that makes life, and carries on the next generation. I have always thought about this, mainly because we don't practice this at all. Men make loads more money than we do, for doing the same work. It took all 10 years of me working at Walmart to make what my hubby made in half the time that he was there. I have had to be extra good at my job in order to get a raise, going above and way beyond to get that raise. Women are still held back. Yet if you think about it, without us, there would be no future generations. (I am also not saying that were are only there to make babies because we do more than that, it was just the example that came to my head.)
I look at our society today, and I wonder what it will look like when we are older. We have become so politically correct that we just don't say much about other things because we are seen as not being agreeable to current times. I'm sorry but I want to have a difference in opinion. I want to be able to say it too. Okay, maybe I am going totally off topic, or maybe it just took me a long time to get there. But, this morning as I am drinking my coffee and watching 20/20, (btw it's one of my favorite shoes, I could have majored in criminal justice, maybe, but I don't like dead bodies, and I am not gonna work in a prison so that doesn't leave me much.. good thing I didn't major in that!!). So I'm watching it and it's about this little girl that vanished... She went out to get Ice Cream and she was gone. On the episode they talked about how the police looked for sex offenders in her neighborhood, and then showed the map of all the ones that were within one mile of her house. And if you know me, that gets the gears going. WHY ARE WE ALLOWING THIS???? Please tell me. Please give me a good reason as to why a sex offender should be allowed back into society. And please don't say because they can be changed, because I don't agree with that at all.
The reason that I am also thinking about this is because Halloween is one of the few times that our children go door to door. And I remember a friend saying that when we moved into our neighborhood, that when there is a sign on the door that says, "No Candy" that is a registered sex offenders home and they are required to put that on the door. Key word here is registered. So, when I was walking around the neighborhood last year around this time, (maybe a little closer to halloween) I noticed signs on the door, and I was pretty angry about it. Of all the things that we are worried about in America, why are we not worried about this? Yes I moved into my neighborhood, and I am pretty sure, that there are not any on my street. But, in my neighborhood there are. I just want to know what can be done about this. I just want to know about the safety of our children.
Okay, I know that I have given a lot in a long blog. But I was just thinking about these things. I am a woman on a mission. I am trying to do good with the life that I live. I'm not in any way preaching peace and harmony, but I am preaching answers. I am telling you not to allow things to just be. Question, and not once, but all the time. Ask, talk, be that annoying person. Be self aware. Make a difference!
Happy Fall, Y'all!
Saturday, September 12, 2015
The thing about 9/11/01
Disclaimer: I'm not writing this to offend anyone. I'm not trying to make a point. I don't normally write about anything other than my life. If you are offended about this post please DON'T let me know. It seems that everyone is offended by something, and this is not something to be offended over. This is just my thoughts on a tragic day. I was 16 when it happened. I'm 30 now. I have a lot of opinions. But, my thoughts are not to be harmful.
Who doesn't remember where they were on September 11, 2001? Maybe if you were under the age of 5 wouldn't. But, everyone normally has a answer for the question. The thing is do you remember what life was like before that? I have a hard time with that. A tragedy such as this is now a bookmark in my life. After it everything was different. But, before....
When you are a 16 year old, are you ever thinking about what the future will be? Some think about going to college other's think about Friday night football games. I was never really a good student. I was okay. I payed attention in class, I did class work... homework on the other had was a different thing. I hated homework, I didn't want to be bothered by school at home or during my fun time (Marching band, color guard, pep band, football, or basketball games). I could really paint you a picture of me at 16. But, it's really a funny one. I wasn't girly. But boy was I boy crazy. I wasn't allowed to date, but I had a few boyfriends. My best friends were two boys (one I married, the other was just as boy crazy as I was!!). Being in your 3rd year of high school you feel invincible. Considering you have made it through 2 years in high school, in a town that you are new to. And you have adapted pretty well, with a great group of friends. You are living the American Dream... aren't those two words haunting?? Considering that there was an American Dream before then... after, well I don't know that any of us are.
Before this day, nothing seemed real. I was fun loving a care free. My childhood isn't stapled by this day, I was no longer a child. I was a teenager. But I remember feeling really adult that day. I just remember feeling so much hurt and sorrow. That some person or group of people could hate so much that they would take innocent lives. INNOCENT LIVES. The thing is that I remember bits and pieces of my life before this, but much of what I know is after this. I remember so many hugs that day, so many hand holdings, so many kids leaving school that day... because either their mom or dad worked at the Pentagon. People that you may not have hung out with before you consoled.
Tears... lots and lots of tears...
The thing is, is many of us know what life was like before this tragic day. But, now a lot of people don't know that. All they know is 9/11/01 and after. Kids grow up in a different world. A world of war. A world where everyone is hating on everyone else. Where politically correct is the thing that is used to try and be "nice" to someone but it is really offending someone else. I noticed yesterday... On the anniversary, I try to be humble. I don't know what it was like to lose someone on that day. I have never talked to someone that did. I cannot begin to understand. I raise my American flag that day, although typically it is up all summer, due to the patriotic holidays. I wear red, white, and blue...I always have. But, I have noticed that there has been a shift. Years after it first happened, on the anniversary we would pause our lives to honor those lost. Gradually we have stopped doing that. There, are less things on TV about it. Less things on the internet. Less time to pause... then I think about the day that it happened. I was at school... we didn't pause. In first block class we had no idea what was going on. I felt as if we were one of the only classes that didn't know. When I got into the hall to walk with a friend that I normally went to 2nd block with, she told me all about it. I didn't believe it, and she told me to shake myself, this is real. We begged our 2nd block teacher to turn the TV on. She told us that she was going to teach for 30 minutes before she would (had I known then what I know now, I would have know that she was trying to distract us, however he effort to teach didn't work, more students went home, most wouldn't talk, and then there was more tears..), eventually she gave in a turned the TV on. 3rd block was different. Our teacher told us that we could stay in class, that we didn't have to go to lunch. When it was our time from lunch I ran to the lunchroom, literally, I wanted to escape for a minute. I wanted to pause. I needed to be with a friend. My hubby has always been my best friend, and he has always been this calming voice for me. Even when we were just friends, he was always able to calm me down. I still to this day, don't know what it is about him, that does that to me. But, sometimes I know that it is what I need, and I naturally go and seek it. That day I ran to it. With tears rolling down my cheeks, I ran to him. I don't really remember the rest of 3rd block. I just remember crying. 4th block was band class, it was split into a history class too... this day was the only day of my entire public school career that I didn't go to all my classes. I stayed in band class. Our teacher told us we could stay, but at the end of the day we would have to go home. I begged the hubby to take me home, so that I didn't have the long bus ride. I just wanted to go home.
I watched the news like a crazy person at home. I even ate dinner in my room, so that I could continue to watch. I don't know if I slept that night... I don't remember that part. I know that the next day there was no school. The rest of the week I don't remember at all. I remember that I didn't want to go back to school. Not because I was scared, but because I didn't know who was going to be there, and I didn't want to know if any of my friends had lost anyone. It was all too sad.
This event has shaped our lives, in ways that we cannot imagine. 14 years later, life looks a lot different. I don't care what side of the political coin you are on; (and this wasn't supposed to be political)... we have to pause. And I mean pause for life. We are so worried about who to offend, that we are not living. We are worried that someone will walk into our home and be offended about what's in it. We are worried that if we like this band, this person, this animal that someone will hate us. We need to stop this. (This has nothing to do with this tragic day.) We just need to pause for life. Take a minute for loved ones. Nurture relationships, cherish friendships and loved ones. We get one life (unless you believe in reincarnation), you have to live it. It has to be something that you want and fight for. Pause for it, pause to reflect. Pause to dream. Pause... take a break. Dream... wish... hope.. love... live....
Who doesn't remember where they were on September 11, 2001? Maybe if you were under the age of 5 wouldn't. But, everyone normally has a answer for the question. The thing is do you remember what life was like before that? I have a hard time with that. A tragedy such as this is now a bookmark in my life. After it everything was different. But, before....
When you are a 16 year old, are you ever thinking about what the future will be? Some think about going to college other's think about Friday night football games. I was never really a good student. I was okay. I payed attention in class, I did class work... homework on the other had was a different thing. I hated homework, I didn't want to be bothered by school at home or during my fun time (Marching band, color guard, pep band, football, or basketball games). I could really paint you a picture of me at 16. But, it's really a funny one. I wasn't girly. But boy was I boy crazy. I wasn't allowed to date, but I had a few boyfriends. My best friends were two boys (one I married, the other was just as boy crazy as I was!!). Being in your 3rd year of high school you feel invincible. Considering you have made it through 2 years in high school, in a town that you are new to. And you have adapted pretty well, with a great group of friends. You are living the American Dream... aren't those two words haunting?? Considering that there was an American Dream before then... after, well I don't know that any of us are.
Before this day, nothing seemed real. I was fun loving a care free. My childhood isn't stapled by this day, I was no longer a child. I was a teenager. But I remember feeling really adult that day. I just remember feeling so much hurt and sorrow. That some person or group of people could hate so much that they would take innocent lives. INNOCENT LIVES. The thing is that I remember bits and pieces of my life before this, but much of what I know is after this. I remember so many hugs that day, so many hand holdings, so many kids leaving school that day... because either their mom or dad worked at the Pentagon. People that you may not have hung out with before you consoled.
Tears... lots and lots of tears...
The thing is, is many of us know what life was like before this tragic day. But, now a lot of people don't know that. All they know is 9/11/01 and after. Kids grow up in a different world. A world of war. A world where everyone is hating on everyone else. Where politically correct is the thing that is used to try and be "nice" to someone but it is really offending someone else. I noticed yesterday... On the anniversary, I try to be humble. I don't know what it was like to lose someone on that day. I have never talked to someone that did. I cannot begin to understand. I raise my American flag that day, although typically it is up all summer, due to the patriotic holidays. I wear red, white, and blue...I always have. But, I have noticed that there has been a shift. Years after it first happened, on the anniversary we would pause our lives to honor those lost. Gradually we have stopped doing that. There, are less things on TV about it. Less things on the internet. Less time to pause... then I think about the day that it happened. I was at school... we didn't pause. In first block class we had no idea what was going on. I felt as if we were one of the only classes that didn't know. When I got into the hall to walk with a friend that I normally went to 2nd block with, she told me all about it. I didn't believe it, and she told me to shake myself, this is real. We begged our 2nd block teacher to turn the TV on. She told us that she was going to teach for 30 minutes before she would (had I known then what I know now, I would have know that she was trying to distract us, however he effort to teach didn't work, more students went home, most wouldn't talk, and then there was more tears..), eventually she gave in a turned the TV on. 3rd block was different. Our teacher told us that we could stay in class, that we didn't have to go to lunch. When it was our time from lunch I ran to the lunchroom, literally, I wanted to escape for a minute. I wanted to pause. I needed to be with a friend. My hubby has always been my best friend, and he has always been this calming voice for me. Even when we were just friends, he was always able to calm me down. I still to this day, don't know what it is about him, that does that to me. But, sometimes I know that it is what I need, and I naturally go and seek it. That day I ran to it. With tears rolling down my cheeks, I ran to him. I don't really remember the rest of 3rd block. I just remember crying. 4th block was band class, it was split into a history class too... this day was the only day of my entire public school career that I didn't go to all my classes. I stayed in band class. Our teacher told us we could stay, but at the end of the day we would have to go home. I begged the hubby to take me home, so that I didn't have the long bus ride. I just wanted to go home.
I watched the news like a crazy person at home. I even ate dinner in my room, so that I could continue to watch. I don't know if I slept that night... I don't remember that part. I know that the next day there was no school. The rest of the week I don't remember at all. I remember that I didn't want to go back to school. Not because I was scared, but because I didn't know who was going to be there, and I didn't want to know if any of my friends had lost anyone. It was all too sad.
This event has shaped our lives, in ways that we cannot imagine. 14 years later, life looks a lot different. I don't care what side of the political coin you are on; (and this wasn't supposed to be political)... we have to pause. And I mean pause for life. We are so worried about who to offend, that we are not living. We are worried that someone will walk into our home and be offended about what's in it. We are worried that if we like this band, this person, this animal that someone will hate us. We need to stop this. (This has nothing to do with this tragic day.) We just need to pause for life. Take a minute for loved ones. Nurture relationships, cherish friendships and loved ones. We get one life (unless you believe in reincarnation), you have to live it. It has to be something that you want and fight for. Pause for it, pause to reflect. Pause to dream. Pause... take a break. Dream... wish... hope.. love... live....
Monday, August 31, 2015
"Every Storm (Runs Out Of Rain)"
There is nothing like a song to remind you to stay grounded. To listen and sing at the top of your lungs. To take deep breaths, to still your mind. To think of something other than what is right in front of you...
Then there are songs that remind you to work through it all. Sometimes you have to face something hard and come out on the otherside, to know what you are made of. You don't have to come out on top, you don't have to win everything. You just have to know that you survived.
I saw you standing in the middle of the thunder and lightning
I know you're feeling like you just can't win, but you're trying
It's hard to keep on keepin' on, when you're being pushed around
Don't even know which way is up, you just keep spinning down, 'round, down
Boy have I been in the middle of that storm. Currently waiting to get to the other side of it. I'm nervous to take whatever that next step is. And now I don't need someone to tell me to take it. I am going to take it. I just need a little time to adjust. I feel like every day is a reminder. I don't need someone to remind me of what I am reminding. I don't need someone to tell me. Please stop telling me I am begging you. I get frustrated at the constant. Sometimes I just want to enjoy my puppies and my life and not remind. I put myself on this freakish time line, and I have been wanting to get off of it for sometime now. I can't get off of it if you are always reminding me!!!
The silver lining:
Every storm runs, runs out of rain
Just like every dark night turns into day
Every heartache will fade away
Just like every storm runs, runs out of rain
This shit storm, this cluster fuck... is going to end. In due timing. Yeah, I curse like a sailor at times. Sometimes it is the only thing I have. Sometimes I just pray and hope that all this sailor verbage is not going to send me straight to hell. But other times it feels so good to say it. Weather it is in the middle of a restaurant or writing it down. But, this all will end. I will be set free. This will just be a memory, but in my book of life this will be the biggest.
The confidence booster:
So hold your head up and tell yourself that there's something more
And walk out that door
Go find a new rose, don't be afraid of the thorns
'Cause we all have thorns
Just put your feet up to the edge, put your face in the wind
And when you fall back down, keep on rememberin'
Then there are songs that remind you to work through it all. Sometimes you have to face something hard and come out on the otherside, to know what you are made of. You don't have to come out on top, you don't have to win everything. You just have to know that you survived.
I saw you standing in the middle of the thunder and lightning
I know you're feeling like you just can't win, but you're trying
It's hard to keep on keepin' on, when you're being pushed around
Don't even know which way is up, you just keep spinning down, 'round, down
Boy have I been in the middle of that storm. Currently waiting to get to the other side of it. I'm nervous to take whatever that next step is. And now I don't need someone to tell me to take it. I am going to take it. I just need a little time to adjust. I feel like every day is a reminder. I don't need someone to remind me of what I am reminding. I don't need someone to tell me. Please stop telling me I am begging you. I get frustrated at the constant. Sometimes I just want to enjoy my puppies and my life and not remind. I put myself on this freakish time line, and I have been wanting to get off of it for sometime now. I can't get off of it if you are always reminding me!!!
The silver lining:
Every storm runs, runs out of rain
Just like every dark night turns into day
Every heartache will fade away
Just like every storm runs, runs out of rain
This shit storm, this cluster fuck... is going to end. In due timing. Yeah, I curse like a sailor at times. Sometimes it is the only thing I have. Sometimes I just pray and hope that all this sailor verbage is not going to send me straight to hell. But other times it feels so good to say it. Weather it is in the middle of a restaurant or writing it down. But, this all will end. I will be set free. This will just be a memory, but in my book of life this will be the biggest.
The confidence booster:
So hold your head up and tell yourself that there's something more
And walk out that door
Go find a new rose, don't be afraid of the thorns
'Cause we all have thorns
Just put your feet up to the edge, put your face in the wind
And when you fall back down, keep on rememberin'
You have to look for it. It's there. Somewhere, someone is listening to what you have to say. They are feeling it to. Find them, make friends, and when you need someone reach out to them. Weather it be family, or just a friend do it. You will feel better. Hold on to the fact that it is still your struggle, but be confident that they can help you through it. They can love you through it. And they might not remind you on a daily basis that you are going through it. Remember what I said, stop it. It hurts. I remember, stop reminding me.
And then it tells you that you are going to make it to the other side:
It's gonna run out of pain
It's gonna run out of sting
It's gonna leave you alone
It's gonna set you free
Set you free
It's gonna run out of sting
It's gonna leave you alone
It's gonna set you free
Set you free
You are going to survive this. You will be free. If you could tell yourself at 14 that this would all happen. Don't date that boy, he isn't good for you. Listen to a friend, when he said that the one boy you really like really likes you too. Would you do it all different? Would you make the same journey? I would tell 14 year old me not to date that first high school boy. I would tell 14 year old me to run away from him. I would tell 14 year old me that when you met your future husband to not be so intense with that 15 boy. That he really likes you, don't push him. Just let him know that you like him, so that he doesn't make the chase so hard later. That every step you are going to take with him is worth it. That when you are sitting down at your computer typing away in your nerdy glasses and he is playing video games that that is bliss, don't take it for granted. He is going to have struggles too and you are going to have to be a rock to him. Don't be so hard on him. He needs you to be soft too. That sometimes he needs to be a pain in your butt so that you know that he loves you. That that 14 year old girl would go to college and love it. That she would miss home, but she would want to be at school too. That even though she dreamed of being a teacher that life had other plans and you have to be okay with it. That you would marry the boy who is your best friend, and you would carry his friendship forever. That it is okay that you view the world that everyone has a chance and that everyone has good, and to not stop believing that in your 20's even though you are going to.
It's so sad that you can't time travel and talk to yourself when you are younger. But, it really might change a lot of things. Some things you might really like. Some memories you could forget. Hold on tight, enjoy the ride. You are going to make it to the other side. You don't need to be famous or post 1000 selfies to make your dreams come true. You need to be real and you need to be honest and you need to show people what you are really made of. Be your self, and don't stop dreaming. Life is nothing but a dream.
Winnie the Pooh says it best:
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