"Every Storm (Runs Out Of Rain)"

There is nothing like a song to remind you to stay grounded.  To listen and sing at the top of your lungs.  To take deep breaths, to still your mind.  To think of something other than what is right in front of you...

Then there are songs that remind you to work through it all.  Sometimes you have to face something hard and come out on the otherside, to know what you are made of.  You don't have to come out on top, you don't have to win everything.  You just have to know that you survived.  

I saw you standing in the middle of the thunder and lightning
I know you're feeling like you just can't win, but you're trying
It's hard to keep on keepin' on, when you're being pushed around
Don't even know which way is up, you just keep spinning down, 'round, down

Boy have I been in the middle of that storm.  Currently waiting to get to the other side of it.  I'm nervous to take whatever that next step is.  And now I don't need someone to tell me to take it.  I am going to take it.  I just need a little time to adjust.  I feel like every day is a reminder.  I don't need someone to remind me of what I am reminding.  I don't need someone to tell me.  Please stop telling me I am begging you.  I get frustrated at the constant.  Sometimes I just want to enjoy my puppies and my life and not remind.  I put myself on this freakish time line, and I have been wanting to get off of it for sometime now.  I can't get off of it if you are always reminding me!!!


The silver lining:

Every storm runs, runs out of rain
Just like every dark night turns into day
Every heartache will fade away

Just like every storm runs, runs out of rain

This shit storm, this cluster fuck... is going to end.  In due timing.  Yeah, I curse like a sailor at times.  Sometimes it is the only thing I have.  Sometimes I just pray and hope that all this sailor verbage is not going to send me straight to hell.  But other times it feels so good to say it.  Weather it is in the middle of a restaurant or writing it down.  But, this all will end.  I will be set free.  This will just be a memory, but in my book of life this will be the biggest.  


The confidence booster:

 So hold your head up and tell yourself that there's something more
And walk out that door
Go find a new rose, don't be afraid of the thorns
'Cause we all have thorns
Just put your feet up to the edge, put your face in the wind
And when you fall back down, keep on rememberin'

You have to look for it.  It's there.  Somewhere, someone is listening to what you have to say.  They are feeling it to.  Find them, make friends, and when you need someone reach out to them.  Weather it be family, or just a friend do it.  You will feel better.  Hold on to the fact that it is still your struggle, but be confident that they can help you through it.  They can love you through it.  And they might not remind you on a daily basis that you are going through it.  Remember what I said, stop it.  It hurts.  I remember, stop reminding me.

And then it tells you that you are going to make it to the other side:

It's gonna run out of pain
It's gonna run out of sting
It's gonna leave you alone
It's gonna set you free
Set you free

You are going to survive this.  You will be free.  If you could tell yourself at 14 that this would all happen.  Don't date that boy, he isn't good for you.  Listen to a friend, when he said that the one boy you really like really likes you too.  Would you do it all different?  Would you make the same journey?  I would tell 14 year old me not to date that first high school boy.  I would tell 14 year old me to run away from him.  I would tell 14 year old me that when you met your future husband to not be so intense with that 15 boy.  That he really likes you, don't push him.  Just let him know that you like him, so that he doesn't make the chase so hard later.  That every step you are going to take with him is worth it.  That when you are sitting down at your computer typing away in your nerdy glasses and he is playing video games that that is bliss, don't take it for granted.  He is going to have struggles too and you are going to have to be a rock to him.  Don't be so hard on him.  He needs you to be soft too.  That sometimes he needs to be a pain in your butt so that you know that he loves you.  That that 14 year old girl would go to college and love it.  That she would miss home, but she would want to be at school too.  That even though she dreamed of being a teacher that life had other plans and you have to be okay with it.  That you would marry the boy who is your best friend, and you would carry his friendship forever.  That it is okay that you view the world that everyone has a chance and that everyone has good, and to not stop believing that in your 20's even though you are going to.  

It's so sad that you can't time travel and talk to yourself when you are younger.  But, it really might change a lot of things.  Some things you might really like.  Some memories you could forget.  Hold on tight, enjoy the ride.  You are going to make it to the other side.  You don't need to be famous or post 1000 selfies to make your dreams come true.  You need to be real and you need to be honest and you need to show people what you are really made of.  Be your self, and don't stop dreaming.  Life is nothing but a dream.

Winnie the Pooh says it best:

When it's not your story to tell

Sometimes I forget that I am telling the world "our" story.  

I understand that you may have read my last blog post, I really hope that I am helping you in whatever you are going through.  However, I had to delete it.  I told too much for the comfort of my Hubbz and he was not a happy camper.  I don't want anyone to be upset about it.  And again I know that you may have read it, but I should have told him what I was doing before I did it.  I can never say sorry enough.

We are struggling, not in our marriage, not with our money, not in our lives.  We are struggling to have a baby.  Many couples go through really hard times.  I cannot compare to them.  I don't want to do that either.  But for us this is really hard.  Honestly we don't know what to do.  (I just want to THANK everyone for any suggestions that you have given me!!)  We are actively pursuing a fertility specialist, but we don't know what to expect.  We are also trying to keep things open for adoption.  And there is always the chance to make our fur baby crew bigger.  

But I should have been more private towards my husband in my last post.  I am willing to share all of me with you.  He is not willing to share and I am okay with that.  So please don't hate.  Just take it as my mistake.  And we will move on form here!!!

A 2nd opinion is worth all the $$ in the world...

Do you advocate for yourself?  When the Dr says something are you okay with it or do you question it?  For the longest time I just went with it... Today I can say "No More."


For about 7 months or more I have been toying around with the idea of going to a different OBGYN.  I wasn't sure if I should.  I was also worried that IF I did go to a different one, that I would have to start everything all over again.  I didn't want to do that.  I have spent 2 years trying to have a baby, I really don't want to waste any more time.  If you have been following me (incase you haven't) things really got to a breaking point last month when I decided that I was going to really work harder at trying to have a baby.  I felt like I wasn't giving it everything that I have, and I wasn't leaving every stone unturned.  

I wouldn't say that I "loved" my past two OBGYN's, my first Dr left for WV, and got married (congrats to her), the 2nd I inherited.  They were both okay, but both wanted to drag their feet.  I kept hearing, your young it will happen.  2 years later and it didn't.  Not only that but when your Dr says one thing and then they say they don't want you to have that, and the nurse says the Dr never said that it really messes with your head.  (Advocate for yourself.)  I kept telling them that this was really frustrating me, that they weren't giving me any answers.  I finally had enough when they couldn't even fax the fertility specialist that they referred me to the proper paperwork.  The next day I went home and made an appointment with the new Dr.

Today I went to the new Dr.  Dr. Bell.  He is FANTASTIC!!!  I was really really nervous going in there.  To the point where I was either going to cry or hyperventilate, I ended up chewing and braiding my hair, just in case you were wondering.  But, Dr. Bel is really nice.  And he really took time to talk to me, he wasn't rushing me out of the office or having me be quiet.  He asked me questions, of course he didn't have much to go by, my OBGYN didn't fax my records.  But for once I didn't want to cry, I didn't want to curl up into a ball and just lay there until tomorrow.  

First: Hubby still has to go to a urologist, he could be half or all of the problem.  Dr. Bell says that simply because I have not been pregnant and I have not miscarried that Hubby could be most of the problem.  

Second: I need to have the HSG test (the uterine dye test), it could open me up enough to get pregnant.  The good news, I don't have to go to UVA.  (Okay I really stared at him when he said that.  Like he stopped, and asked if I was okay.  I said, "You do the test, I don't have to go anywhere?"  Dr. Bell said me and an X-ray technician... you get the results that day....

Let's stop there...  I have been waiting since February to get this test done.  I put it off for a little bit due to the fact that neither one of my old jobs would allow me to have the time off to get it done.  My new job will allow me to.  Then hearing that I don't have to go anywhere.  That my own Dr. can do it for me.  That was just like new to my ears.  I couldn't say thank you enough.  I couldn't be happier.  Ahhh, cloud nine does not compare!!

Sometimes you have to be done with it....

There are many things that I cannot change... things that are beyond my control.  I really like to be in control, not necessarily controlling the situation, I just like to be behind the scenes calling the shots.  

2 years ago when I started this journey, before everyone knew, I really thought that there would be a much different outcome.  And even though I don't want to be, I am sitting on the edge of making the decision that things will not turn out differently.  I put my faith in prayer, I have said a prayer for it every night, and every time it is the same.  In 2 years I have been through a lot.

I'm not really sure what I am looking for anymore, I don't feel like there is an answer anywhere.  I am so hopeful for this new doctor, but am I setting my hopes too high?

2 weeks...  How long is that to you?  If every second mattered, than a week is etrinity.  2 weeks is how long my old doctor's office had Hubby's results without letting me know.  I called them, they said oh we will call back... 2 weeks... you had them for two weeks.  And when I do get the results you can't even give me a number?  Saying that is something that a urologist is going to have to go over with you.  How do I even know if I want to go there if I don't have a number?  How do I know that this is going to work if you are now saying that you don't want me to have my test done too?  Why are you doing this to me?  I called there again to have my records faxed to another doctor's office... oh you need to sign a paper....  slince....  okay thanks for calling... goodbye... I mean can I come in and do that today???  

I really believe that once I am no longer a patient at BLUE RIDGE OBGYN IN CULPEPER, that I will have a big weight lifted off my chest.  I am on a mission now, more than ever to find a better doctor, one that is going to give me results and answers.

I recently went down and ugly turn.  I know this is going to sound horrible, but I told the Hubby that I wish, that I would have had a miscarriage...  Because in that doctor's office they only care about you if you have lost a baby, if you are pregnant, or if you need to have your who-ha looked at.  I am just another 30 something who wants a baby, and seems fine for all that they can see, so they are not trying to rush anything.  Who cares if I have been at this for 2 years... they had results for 2 weeks... Who cares if I have to play phone tag with them all the time... they will call me back when they want to....  

Now who cares if I bad mouth them every chance I get?  If I take to social media and internet surveys and ratings to bash the shit out of them??  Will they care then?  It will be too late if they care then.  I will be gone, and I will continue my mission to slam them every chance I get.  So, if you are in the Culpeper area, DO NOT use BLUE RIDGE OBGYN, you will thank me.  Trust me on this!!!

Answering your questions...

I wanted to post to answer everyone who has been asking about the appointment on Tuesday.  I know that a lot of you have been asking me and I haven't answered, sorry I am spinning right now.  I'm trying to catch up.  I'll get there, I promise.  

On Tuesday the 23rd, Hubby and I went down to UVA (actually it's the Martha Jefferson, which is on the backside of Charlottesville near Pan Top Mountain, near where we went to get our Boxer Baby...Charlottesville...Oh Charlottesville...), I didn't think to call my OBGYN before my appointment, (Okay, I keep asking myself over and over again why I didn't I could have saved myself some tears.. Okay really a melt down, but you get the point) we are just about there when I am in a little panic, because I don't actually know if we are headed in the right direction.  Hubby says too late now... we did go to the right place.  When we arrive they are busy, a office full of people (Hubby and I go to the same place for our tests, he could have his, I have to wait for a certain cycle day, yet again another thing my OBGYN has refused to tell me, why haven't I learned my lesson?!?!?!?!?), we are 3rd in line.  10 minutes before our appointment and 3rd in line... the people ahead of us are slow.  I think to myself we are going to miss this, I don't want to miss this, I was able to finally talk the Hubby into this and we are here please don't let me miss it.  We get up to the window and it feels like freaking forever...like a year has passed since we walked in.  The lady (who was by the way, extremely nice. I have had horrible not nice people lately, it was refreshing to have someone be nice!!), asks my name, I tell her that the appointment is not for me, but for my Hubby and give his name.  She says, you need to fill out these forms and Hubby needs ID, insurance card and copy for the orders from the doctor.  To which I explain that I asked that they be faxed here.

The lady at the desk pulls up Hubby's file and says no they are not here... this is where I feel like the wind has been sucked out of my body.  I ask if she is sure, and she says that she will check the fax que.  The lady at the desk asks my name, which I give to her as I bite my lip to try not to fall apart.  Hubby is trying to tell me, breathe it's okay.  And all I can think is we are not getting the test done today.  Lady at the desk says they are not here, your file is here but no orders....
I tell her, really??  and then I ask it again, and tell her I'm sorry I have had so much trouble with my OBGYN and I am going to cry...

Hubby goes into whatever he does when I fall apart, which is to get me away from whatever it is as fast as I can get it there.  (Let's just be honest when I have a melt down, it's a mess.  I'm not quiet, I have snot every where.  Everyone can hear me.  It is embarrassing, it is not pretty.  I really try not to, but I can't help it.)  Lady at the desk, again with the niceness says, it's okay we can do the test but you can't know the results till we get the orders.  To be honest I didn't hear much of this.  Not even a little bit, Hubby had to tell me, cause once I go into melt down mode I could sign my life away and not really know it.  I go grab a card as instructed by the lady at the desk (who told me this about 10 times), and I have a seat.  I'm trying not to make this bigger than it is.  Hubby comes over and hands me paper work, and then says calm down in the nicest way he can without seeming to be frustrated with me.  I calm enough to do paper work, and then him telling me that the test can still be done.

When he hands back his paper work, Hubby is instructed where to go and what to do.  I walk with him, I'm still on edge, I could still break.  I don't go into the room with Hubby, and I don't help him out.  Crying while he does what he needs to do, is not a good thing.  I walk out of the hospital and I decide that I am going to call them.  I also decide in my short walk, that I am going to switch OBGYN for good.  I am done with them.  I also decide to call and leave a really awful message.  I blame them for everything.  I always have to leave a message.  I don't expect a call back.  Why should I get one, I never get a call back.  They never treat me well, to them I am just a young woman who will eventually get pregnant and make them money.  I have decided that yes, I will eventually get pregnant, but I will not make them any money.  I will not use them.  I explain that I need to orders, that you never faxed them, that you never give me the right number and I am left on my own to do all of this.

2 hours later I get a call back.  I get a promise that as we are talking she is sending the orders.  I do not act happy on the phone.  I don't pretend that it is all okay.  But, I don't speak up like I really should.  I'm still on the edge of a complete melt down, and I don't want to have one outside the comfort of my home.  

So...

The results take 3 to 5 days...

The results were done on Friday...

I don't know them, my OBGYN still did not send the orders....

They know them, they were sent to my OBGYN on Friday....

I was not able to call, I went to work when they came off lunch...

They were on lunch when I wasn't at work....

I have to call them on Monday and try to get them...

I have to hope that the specialist makes appointments on the weekends, so that I can go...

I still feel like the world is preventing me from this...

I'm sorry that I don't have time to care about what is in the news, good, bad, or netural.  I can't do it, I won't do it.  I will watch cartoons, and write my blogs and hope that there is still some hope in me.  

29 days from today I will be 30.  I do not feel like I am any closer to my goal then when I started this month of June and goals.  

Currently I am feeling defeated.  I really want to go and yell and scream and punch someone in the face at the doctors.  I don't want to deal with them any more.  Please, Please, Please, send me good JuJu, and prayers, and whatever it is to make a good thing for me!!!!

MAD!

I know that the doctors think I'm joking, or that I have all the time in the world.  I am not either.  I no longer recommend Blue Ridge OBGYN.  (I don't know that I really did in the first place.)  I don't think that I should have to bounce around the practice to different doctors to get to the bottom line of this.  So I am going to bounce right out of the office.  How many times is this doctors office not going to take the blame for something that they are clearly doing???  They gave me the wrong number, they didn't schedule my appointment.  They didn't tell me that I had to have this done at a certain time.  They didn't say that they would just fax my stuff when I made the appointment.  So they can kiss my ass!!!!!   I get it I'm young, but this is not fun any more.  This is torture.   This has become a heart breaking journey.  This has become one where I think a million different things are wrong with me.  Where many different people have given advice, and tried to tell me that I'm doing "it" wrong.  

Tomorrow is the day and I just pray for an answer.  Although it is not a complete work up (I cannot have my procedure until a certain day of my cycle, something that me doctor neglected to tell me).  But, it might be something that will get us further in the right direction.  

When someone asks me about things, I tend to become aggravated again.  I really want to say; "Have you heard the news?  I'm still NOT pregnant."  Then I want to walk away.  I also have a flip side to this, when people ask me about it, I tend to have word vomit and give every.single.detail.  Someone at my new job asked me why I wasn't in a great mood, and it just poured out.  I couldn't stop it.  All I could think about was, stop, why do you keep talking, why aren't you stopping, why are you still going??  There was no one to save me.  So she heard almost all the story.  My new job also must not have a lot of gossip, because no one talked to me about it the next day, or the ones after that.  Which is really nice.

So, tomorrow is the day.  We had down to UVA and we get a piece of the puzzle.  If all goes well, it might be the only thing that we need.  If not we will be headed down next month for my turn with procedures.  

Im gonna do it.

Leaving my job in child care has been the best thing I have done in a long time.  (I am still willing to help out friends, but those days are over.)

Most of the time when I set my mind to something, I do it.  (Minus the fact that I have never seemed to be able to stop drinking sodas, and I am not a teacher.)  When things were going bad at the child care facility, I began looking for jobs.  I decided that I was worth more than a job that wanted me to work with my own vomit in my hair, and then turned around and took the time away from me.  I decided that I was worth more than someone calling me a loser, or that I was lazy for not completing a bulletin board that I still had time to do.  I wanted to be worth my education, and I wanted to work somewhere where I could have time for myself and the things that I needed to do.  I looked for other jobs.  I found another job, and I love this job.  This is my career, (however if you would like to submit my blog to a book deal or somewhere to make money, I can do that too!!)

I have been putting off going to the Dr since February.  Since February, I have thought and believed that I would be pregnant.  This is not the case.  I spent most of April and May playing phone tag with my Dr.  No one in the office could give me the information that I needed, and I was on lunch when they were.  They gave me the wrong number, which I called.  When I called this number (we will call the lady, "devil lady," cause omg she was rude) devil lady asked what I needed.  I explained that I needed to have a uterine dye test done (not remembering or knowing what the technical term for it was) and that my husband needed a seamen analsys.  Devil lady asked if I was a patient of Dr Evans, I explained that I wasn't and that I had an OBGYN.  Devil lady was like Dr Evans won't sign off for you to have this done unless you are his patient.  At this point I am more than angry.  I explain the whole thing again, and I let her know for maybe the 1000th time that I have a husband, that this is not something I'm just trying to do.  Devil lady gets more angry with me and says that she will email Dr Evans  and call me back.  I hung up.

When I finally got a hold of my OBGYN, (new nurse lady we shall call her demon lady) Demon Lady listens to what I have to say and then tells me that they NEVER give the wrong number.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME???  Demon lady explains that she doesn't know what number I have but this is the number to Dr Bateman and Dr Williams and we give this out all the time.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME???  So I get angry, I explain one last time.  I tell Demon lady the number, and she is like well you wrote it down wrong.  NO Demon Lady I did not.  I didn't write it someone in your office did, and if I could come in, I would show it to you.  Demon lady is trying to hurry me off the phone.  I gladly hang up because I have had more than enough.

I am now left with a phone number and and option.  Hubby and I have been trying to weigh it all out.  We are trying to decide what is best for us, and it has been tough.  What we have decided is that we are going to change insurance to my job.  And we are going to have the procedure done, but after that we are going to go to a different OBGYN.  We have had enough of this.  You would think that Drs who are in the business of bringing more people in the world would be more helpful to someone who is trying to bring/create another person.  I have almost hit the 2 year mark in this and I am more than ready to be a mommy.  I'm not saying that I am going to be great at it.  But I am going to try hard.  I will make mistakes, but I will be so grateful for that little person.  I still have the disclaimer that if you are a part of my family and you have a baby that if you steal my kids name I am still going to name them the name, so look out.  So far only one has, and I love little "A."  Happy June!!!!!