The Real Me.

I want to first say that I am on a blog role, I hope to keep this up.  I think it is because I really have a lot going on, and the only way to really get past it is to blog.  Either way, I like it.

I often talk about the "Real Me," not saying that there is a "Fake me."  More like there is a side of me that I do not show.  She comes out often, but I keep her at bay.  Mainly because I am sure that there are a handful of people that actually like the real me, and I am sometimes a people pleaser, and the real me doesn't please too many. 

The real me is loud.  I am talking really loud.  She is not shy, she is not quiet in a room.  She stands out.  (Like when I wear orange, and everyone looks at me funny.)  She loves to laugh.  In fact talking used to get her in trouble, and sometimes still does.  I have toned her down, because always talking does not please anyone.  And because she can talk over people... a lot.  

The real me is really friendly.  (Okay "fake me" is that way too.)  I really like people, not all people but most.  But, the real me isn't so good at being a friend.  

The real me is bossy.  Really, really, times forever bossy.  I was great at being a manger.  I could boss your pants off.  I also knew how to get things done.  But, I didn't really like being the boss of grownups.  So, I stopped being the boss.

Speaking of grownups, the real me doesn't like to be around grownups all day.  In fact, I hate it.  Because grownups have all sorts of opinions, and they are pretty set in their ways.  They are also really good at arguing, about nothing.  I hate it.

Real me is way over opinionated.  That in itself is enough right there.

Real me likes piercings and tattoos (real me has no tattoos.)  If I had it my way I would still have my nose ring, and I would have more piercings than I have right now.  I would probably have a tattoo too.  It is on my bucket list.  One day it will happen, I don't care who doesn't like it.

Real me wants babies.  Okay you knew this.. so moving on.

Real me wants to work with kids.  One of my very first memories is playing school with my great grandma.  I can't remember a time when I didn't want to be a teacher.  So, it came to a shock to me when I wasn't.  It came to an even greater shock when I completely changed it and wanted to be a guidance counselor.  This is something that I pray about a lot.

Speaking of praying...  I do that a lot.  But, I am not sure how my beliefs are.  I do believe that there is some kind of being.  But, I'm not sure about God's word.  And I am not sure how I believe.

Real me is random.. Random thoughts, Random mind.

Real me loves dogs.  Like really loves dogs.  If I could I would own a farm, and I would have a lot of dogs.  And I would rescue them and find them loving homes, and I would keep some of them.  I wish that I could fund this.

If there was ever a zombie break out, real me would probably be the first one gone, unless I could find somewhere to hide.  Not because I can't fight, but because I would be scared of them.  If I could survive by hiding, then I could make it, if not, nice knowing you.

There are so many other things.  But, I have to keep her at bay.  For now love and baby dust. 

achievement Unlocked

Warning: While I love that you like to read what I have to say, this blog contains subject matter that you may not wanna know.  Reader discretion is advised. 




Well you know there is that...

I have not mastered that.  I think that I tell myself 1000 times a day.. "Relax your eyebrows."  But, I just cannot not make faces all day.  People say that I always smile, I don't really think that is the case.  You should see me at work when I am trying to type...

Anyways...

I have moved on in my stage of sadness.  And am just mainly pretty disgruntle and angry.  I used to cry when I got my period... like spend 10 minutes in the bathroom with a quick cry and then a quick try to fix my face.  Now when AF (aunt flo, for those who don't know) comes I just get mad.  Really, I shouldn't be getting mad any more.  It isn't like this time around should be any different.  It isn't like something magically has changed... but i really think that being mad is better than spending a long time in the bathroom being sad.  

Firstly, I hate AF because that means that I am not pregnant.  All the hope in the last 28 days that something changed and I will be pregnant changes in a matter of minutes.  Secondly, my periods have NEVER been right.  And yes I have been tested for PCOS (polytheistic ovarian syndrome, for those who may not have been paying attention), I don't have it.  In the words of Dr. Bell (who I LOVE and adore and I really can't think some of my friends more for) "That is the quickest the dye has ever gone in and our of anyone, you are clear."  There was one time where I could time them... that was when my old Dr. put me on Clomid, for a few cycles.  Then my periods stayed normal for about a year or 2 after that, UNTIL I had IVF.  The number of periods you go through during that time sucks.  I was up to 2 a month.  (This probably has something to do with my hair falling out, but my lovely IVF doctors who I DON'T like right now, don't think so.)  And, now I am back to this funky funky cycle, where I have some spotting for a day, and then nothing for 2 days and then... well ya know.  Thirdly, What woman needs a reason to hate AF??  Surly you all understand what I am saying.  

So anyways, I have been a grump all day.  I have not said anything mean to any clients but I have called them assholes and bitches when they are not there.  I dropped almost everything that I touched today, and made several not so nice noises and such under my breath, and sometimes out loud.  I made faces when people were getting on my nerves, I'm not sure if they were resting "bitch" face or if there were something else.  But, I can barely get out of bed when I know that is time for AF (trust me when I say this... I didn't get out of bed today until the last possible minute, I could have laid there all day and I did try to close my eyes and go back to sleep).  Sometimes I think that if I can just stay in bed, then I can keep AF at bay for a little bit longer and I can be pregnant.  (It hasn't worked, I'm still not pregnant.)  

I really don't talk about my IVF experience or how I am feeling about it much outside of my blog.  Sure, Hubs and I talk about it some, but since I have given it up to God I don't really talk about it.  I don't speak about it at work, and sometimes not with friends.  If they ask I will, but sometimes I feel like I am a ticking time bomb, and I just don't wanna explode.  Other times I feel like it is ALL that I talk about and people are tired of hearing it from me.  Either way, I'm not sure.  But, right now I am really feeling angry.  I spent so much money, my AF changed AGAIN, I developed this skin thing, and my hair is falling out.  I'm angry at all of this, I'm angry that there is a price tag on a family.  I am angry at people who can just get pregnant.  I am angry at people who aren't good to there kids.  I'm PISSED.  I think that I liked it a whole lot better when I was just sad.  When I just cried.  I'm not saying that I don't cry about it, if you were in my house yesterday morning as I was reading my bible study you would have seen me cry.  But, it was so much easier to be sad about it, then it is to be mad about it.  

(The last of my thoughts for today.)  Thanks to Instagram I was reminded of my first Embabies the other day.  I had not thought of them for a while.  But, as I was scrolling though looking at other people's post I found myself stopped on one person's who said how old her baby was, and it just so happens that my babies would have been the same age.  They would have been 5 months old this month.  I just remember how much hope we had in them.  I remember signing the papers at the IVF office for the first time and thinking that we would have a baby after the first try.  I thought that it would be so easy.  I think of who those babies would have been.  What they would look like, what they would be into.  I really torture myself with this.  I'm not sure why I do with these and not the others.  I'm not sure if it is because I have not hit their due date yet, or what.  I just think about the first 2.  I pray that I will make it out of this angry funk.  I'm not sure how long I can be so nice.  So, for now I leave you with much love and baby dust.

Finding Random Quotes

"When I am afraid, I will trust in you."
Psalm 56:3

There are not very many things that make me stop in my tracks. I wouldn't say that I was shocked, I was just motionless.  At work we have to go through each other's work to check for accuracy.  I was going along, and there on a check was the above verse.  I stopped, like dead stop.  Someone was telling me something.  I am sure that I have seen this check before, and more than likely have not paid any attention to it.  Today, was not the case.

I have been doing a LOT of praying.  I changed the way that I pray.  I used to ask a lot of go, a lot of questions, and lots of requests that I wanted instant gratification for.  Now, I have been asking for him to help me through it.  Help me weather the storm, show me how.  I think that this is my message.

You see I am afraid.  I am afraid that I will never be a mom.  2017 is the year of the baby, it seems like everyone is pregnant, everyone but me.  You look anywhere and someone is pregnant.  I want it to be me too.  I want to join.  My fear is that I won't.  I have been trusting.  I told God that I was giving it up to him, that if I was not supposed to me a mom (even though I fear it) that I would trust in him that he would bless me in other ways, and that I would be happy with that.

So when the above quote came, when I had given in to my fear and let it all go, that I just stood there puzzled.  I had not seen that verse before.  I am not a Bible study type of person.  (If you have read a previous post you know that sometimes I just don't understand them, so that is why I just don't read the Bible.)  

Somewhere before, someone had said that God does not give you what you want when you want it, he gives you what he wants when you don't expect it; you have to wait.  Waiting I am not good for. I am waiting for my miracle to happen.  

I also gave into my fear of failing and I applied for my master's program.  I am really nervous about this.  This is one of those things, that if I fail I am done. There is no keeping going.  I have to keep a good GPA or I'm out.  Not sure how I am going to do this and work too.  But, I prayed and I said that I have to learn to do this.  I need to eventually get back into a school and be with kids.  That is my passion and that is what I have to do.  

So that I all of what I am doing.  I am trusting.  I am praying and I am going to try to work hard at all of this.  So for now... much love and baby dust.

I have a lot to say

I don't often have a ton to say about different things.  I like to keep things simple, I talk about fertility/infertility, IVF, babies, and at times really random things about some different things to come to mind.  Sometimes, I guess I do have a lot to say.  Many things are hard to say, I don't pretend that anything is easy.  Sometimes what comes to mind is like this: you are on a diet, but you really want a cheeseburger, you can imagine everything that is on that damn burger, and your mouth even waters over it.  But, you can't have it.  You can't cheat on your diet, you have to stay the course.  That is how my thoughts are today.  I have to stay the course.  

I don't really want to.  I am angry and I just want to say my peace.  I am over this situation and I don't want it to happen any more.  So, instead of what I truly mean to say, I'll just go with some facts and statistics.

Alcohol is the most commonly used addictive substance in the United States:17.6 million people, or one in every 12 adults, suffer from alcohol abuse or dependence along with several million more who engage in risky, binge drinking patterns that could lead to alcohol problems.

al·co·hol·ism

ˈalkəhôˌlizəm/

noun

noun: alcoholism

1. an addiction to the consumption of alcoholic liquor or the mental illness and compulsive behavior resulting from alcohol dependency.

These two facts are pretty staggering.  17.6 million people is a lot.  And I'm sure that there are many more that are undocumented.

When I first began dating my Hubs (it is weird to say that I was dating my hubs, like he was my hubs before my hubs), I used to hate the fact that he would have a beer here and there.  You see much of my life I was told that alcohol was really bad. My grandma was and alcoholic and she used to be really mean, I am told this story a lot; she is old now but it still haunts her.  Anyways, I used to get on him all the time, telling him that he didn't need to do it.  He tried for a long time to change my mind.  

Hubs changed my mind around my 20th birthday, maybe a little before that.  Plus I had a friend that was old enough to drink legally and she was a ton of fun to be around.  We would have get-to-gethers with friends, where we would collect keys, and then hang out until 2 or 3 in the morning.  Being that young was fun.  

When I went off to college at 21, that changed.  I stopped doing that.  I would rather be someone's driver or the sober one at the party.  I won't say that I never drank, but it lost its funess, and I didn't see the need to do it all the time.  Also around this time I found out that my grandma had been lying for sometime and even though she was in pretty poor health she had been smoking, or never really stopped.  I spent I think the first month away at college not talking to her.  I would call my grandparents house and ONLY talk to my Pappy.  I was so angry with her.  She was doing this to herself and I really didn't understand.  

I know realize that she traded on addiction for another.  My grandma really never got help for whatever made her drink that heavy in the past, so she traded drinking for cigarettes.  Her health has gotten pretty bad sense then.  

I'd like to sit here and tell you that I don't really have any addictions, but considering that is what I come from, I am pretty sure that I do.  It could be something simple, or something complex I really don't know.  I don't feel like I have it, but I'm sure that I do.  I'm not perfect, no one is.  

I think that addiction is a part of many peoples lives.  If you watch "Intervention" on T.V. than you know that it does.  But, you really don't need to watch that show to know.  I go to church and I hear about it all the time.  It's at work too.  

Anyways, I guess that I did have a lot to say.  So here it is.  There is my lot to say.

Smile

"Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile"  -Nat King Cole

Yesterday was church night.  I am usually very focused on the lesson.  Last night was not the case (and now I'm not sure if I can focus on this blog).  I have reached a point, which I think was a long time coming, where I think that this will not work out.  All of the optimism has been sucked out of me and I cannot muster up any.  Hubs keeps telling me that we have come so far, but I don't feel like we have even moved forward.  My heart is breaking.  And because of it, I cannot focus on anything more than 5 minutes.

On Sunday I had a panic attack (don't freak out here, people have them it is not a bad thing) I was in the bath room changing my clothes, walked to my closet to pick out my clothes and fell on the floor bawling.  There was only my dogs to my rescue.  I sat there for a good 30 minutes.  I couldn't stop.  I had to talk myself out of it.  Tell myself to get up, keep moving.  I tell myself that a lot.  Sometimes I have to tell myself that to get out of bed, keep moving keep going.  Sometimes it works, and sometimes I spend the entire in my jammies on my couch.  

Back to church.  I honestly have no idea much of what was said.  I cannot focus.  What I was focused on was my anger.  Because, if I focus on how mad I am then I can pretty much get through things.  I won't cry, and for a little bit I can either be quiet or I can act normal, even though I don't know what normal is these days.  I focus on how I can't believe that things are happening like this.  I try to put the blame on me, apically if I'm in church, I don't want to blame it on God.  Sometimes, I act out after I'm angry.  That is when I'm most ashamed of myself.  I am trying my level best to be an adult.  And it just doesn't work out.  Damnit.  

I'm thinking about going to a counselor.  I have been toying with the idea for while, I never really liked it.  But, I don't know that I will get better with it if I don't.  I don't know if I will be able to do life if I don't.  I don't know if I'll feel better if I do.  I just wish that I could figure it out.  

I also keep having these horrible dreams.  I pretty much cannot sleep after I wake up from one.  My sleep is really important to me, so when I have nights like those, I really should just learn to get up and do something else other than lay there and toss and turn.

I know that a lot of people don't want to ask me about my IVF, it is a loaded question, and trust me I really don't want to answer, but I think that everyone is wondering.  I don't think that I have an answer that isn't a tail spin.  The simple thing is, it didn't work.  The other answer is no one knows why.  How I feel about it?  I'm pissed and I'm hurt and I don't understand.  When you just want to be a mom you have to try and figure stuff out, and you have to figure this out... without help!!!  Enough.  Smile, even though your heart is breaking....

I hate pants

I really hate wearing pants.  I pretty much always have.  If there not blue jeans or something like the above picture, I really don't want to put them on.  I'll wear leggings too, even though I really do feel too old to walk around in leggings, but I do it (I cover my bum and lady parts, I'm not walking out of the house with all that hanging out).  I'd rather wear a dress or skirt (really a maxi skit, if I had 50 of them, I'd be set).  But alas, I don't wear skirts or dresses ever day (I do in summer.. I hate shorts, but that is for a different day).  So you would be surprised at the fact that I actually need pants.  Yet, I'm in no mood or hurry to find any.  

At my job we have pretty strict dress code.  We are one of the only banks that is still pretty traditional.  (No body jewelry, had to give up my nose ring :(, no excessive piercings, I'm walking a fine line, because I believe that I should be able to do what I want with my ears, no visible tattoos, I don't have any so I'm good with that.)  But, I think that this is ridicules, because the bank that is not even 1 mile from us has a lax dress code, and there business casual is better than ours.  I just can't get behind it.  

I ask my boss a little bit ago if I could wear a pair of leggings under one of my skirts, because it was cold outside.  To, which if I did, I would be a violation of dress code.   I still don't know how this is possible, and on days like that I wish that I could just be a mermaid, even if I was a weird creepy one like the ones at the bottom of basilisk lake in Harry Potter.  (PS if my boss is reading this, I'm not upset with you, I know that you are just doing what you are supposed to and adhering to the dress code.)  But, it's cold and I can't cover my legs, I'm not going to wear leggings and shirt, I'm going to put my skirt on and then warm my legs.  I just don't get it.  

And yes in case you are wondering, it is on the dress code as unacceptable clothing.  I think it is crazy.  So, I am in this place where I need pants, the pairs that I have have snags in them, and they are getting worn. I have had them for 2 years and wear them a lot.  They have held out which is great, but they are slowly becoming unacceptable to wear to work.  I don't want to buy pants, I'd rather buy skirts and dresses and call it a day.  Which is pretty much what I keep doing every time I buy clothes, which means, I still don't have pants.

I feel like maybe I should just walk into work dress like I want one day, and see what happens.  But, then if I'm not in dress code they could send me home to change, which means more dirty clothes so that can't happen.  I'd also like to come to work in the above pants and not be sent home, but I am pretty sure that I would be sent home for those too.  So, I will just go out and buy pants and wear what I am supposed to wear.  Until, the one day when they finally change the dress code, that or replace us with robots.

Love with out restriction

"Let love be without dissimulation.  Abhor that which is evil; cleave to that which is good."  Romans 12:9



(Disclaimer that is not my baby, but still just as cute.)

Sometimes when I read the bible I am much like the above photo.  I'm not sure what is going on. I am hopeful that in time it will hit me like a load of bricks and I will get it.  But, that is not the case.  

So, let me try with the first half of that verse from Romans: "Love without dissimulation."  I think that means to love with out reservation.  Let me first say, that is not me AT ALL.  Along time ago in this place that I like to call high school, that was me.  Then my heart got broken a couple of times and I stopped all of that.  I have struggled to get back to that.  I struggle a lot.  But, I am not shy about trying to point out my flaws and trying to understand what they are.

I am trying hard to be the good in which I want to see.  However, a lot of people think that I am mad when sometimes I either need a break or I need some time to myself.  I don't often ask for time to myself.  In fact, I really don't like to be by myself.  But, with all the infertility struggles that I have had, I have learned that sometimes I need to just do it.  I have to take a time out, it doesn't mean that I am mad or that I don't love or like you.  I just need some time.  

"Abhor that which is evil:" here I am lost.  So, if you google the word "abhor" it means: regard with disgust and hatred. I could go a lot of places with that.  I should hate evil.  I should be disgusted by evil.  I am not.  I let evil dwell in the depths of my heart and fester like a boil.  I don't let it go.  I also don't forgive.  Which, I was watching something the other day, and it hit me like bricks... the person said "forgiving is not letting go with what someone has done, forgiving is having peace with yourself."  Well, there you have it.  I have no peace with myself.  I cannot find that peace part of it.

I have been on what I call and IVF break.  I am not at peace with it, I am keeping it all in.  So much to the point where I cannot talk about it.  I went to the dermatologist yesterday.  Did you know that your skin issues could be your bodies way of processing stress?  I didn't know this until yesterday.  My body doesn't show stress, when I am stressed I just don't let it go (okay sometimes I do have a crying panic fit, where I can't stop crying, however I haven't had any of those in a while...I should probably allow myself to have one, so that maybe my skin would clear up??), so my skin has decided to show it.  But, I really don't feel stressed.  I just feel that I am in this hard spot that I cannot express how I feel because I really don't know how I feel.  

One thing that I do feel is that my body is broken.  Because, I haven't gotten pregnant I feel like I will NEVER become pregnant.  Today is my dad's birthday, and he said I'm just waiting to be a grandpa.  (I know dad, I'm working on it.)  I feel broken because I can't just get pregnant.  It's crazy I know.  I also know some things that I CAN'T handle.  I know that I just can't do it.  One of them is when a woman says that she is pregnant.  I about lose my shit every time.  I think, why not me.  When is my time.  Why isn't any of this working.  

I also feel broken in my career.  I feel like it isn't enough.  I am not doing what I am supposed to be doing.  In blogs before I have said that as far back as I can remember I remember wanting to be a teacher.  But, the cards were not dealt like that.  As much as I tried for them to be, I just couldn't make it work.  One stupid "d" kept me from getting there, and I gave up WAY too easy.  So, now at 31 I am going to go back to school, but not to be a teacher, to me a school guidance counselor.  I have not choice this time but, to make it.  When hubs went back to school I put stipulations on him, and he has in turn put them on me.  So, we will see how this goes.

I also feel broken in my health and fitness.  I need to get a handle on this.  No, the gym is not the most ideal place, and I feel intimidated and scared, however I'm going to do it.  The diet is going well.  I have this.  No carbs no dairy, foods from nature.  I just have to get the fitness.

I am sorry that I was long winded.  I guess that when I don't have much to say, I have a ton to say.  Love and baby dust.